Taken awhile to digest...Warning...Disturbing material contained in post......

I saw something on the news last Thursday night, I think that was the night. It was so disturbing and I have been processing the images over and over. Seeing it haunts me and makes me sick to my stomach. After I watched it, I literally thought I was going to throw up. I try not to be depressing in my writings, but at times the only sane way for me to process things is to get them out, out of my head. I know you are wondering what the hell was the story about? It was a story about a local baby, 6 months old, just like Syd, that is a victim of shaken baby. This precious, sweet, innocent little baby girl. Her life has been shattered by some senseless piece of shit person, who cannot control their temper. I have a temper, boy howdy do I have a temper. And this weekend, Syd really pushed all my buttons, teething can be such torture to a baby. But she is a BABY. She is not cranky on purpose. This person took this sweet baby and shook the hell out of her. They show this baby girl with her daddy and her grandmother, she has this HUGE scar on her head, where they did brain surgery, they had to remove part of her brain. She has a row of staples from the surgery. The grandmother stated that she was such a happy baby before and they really have to try to get her to smile now. I see Syd during this story, how she flashes that heart stopping smile of hers at me all of the time. I imagine what it would be like to not to have this gift each day. It rips me to shreds. It angers me, a babysitter did this. This woman, she should be shot, dragged, and shaken to death. And no I am NOT sorry I feel this way. I truly try to find good in all that is around me, find the good in things. It is good that this baby was saved, but is it harder for a parent to live with a child that has been injured by some senseless action than to lose the child? I seriously have not been able to figure that out. I hope and PRAY ever so hard that through the miracle of the medical community that she will be able to live a normal life. I hope like hell this beast that did this rots in hell forever. Oh that sweet baby.

After the story, I was sobbing uncontrollably, my dear husband came in during the story, he heard me crying, he just sat there stunned and asked why I watch things like this. I have no clue, easy to turn the channel, but I think the story was worth hearing, and seeing. I sat on the bed and thought I was going to throw up, the sick feeling still is in my gut. I really don't know if I will ever not have it with me. DAMN, people really anger me. I have that feeling I should do something, but what? And where to start? Oh that sweet baby girl. I went in and had to see Syd while she slept. I touched her sweet perfect little scarless head and told her I loved her, asked God to bless my sweet baby, and please oh please be with that sweet baby girl. I have never know the true power of God until I had my own child. I look into her little perfect face and see that someone Higher exists. Only he could give me such a precious thing in life. I truly do not feel anyone can understand this feeling until you have your own children. I did not believe this until I had one of my own. Trust me, it is so worth the wait, and the power of loving your children, it is the GREATEST thing on earth.

Thinking I am "over" this and can write about my feelings without crying, fooling myself again. I sit and type in my office at work, tears streaming down my face. Quick to wipe them away, "must uphold front of armor, employee's must not know I have a heart!" I am management Damn it! Hoping that now that I have gotten my "thoughts out" that I will absolve these horrid images in my mind. But I know they have been burned into my memory, it is now up to me to use them for good instead of the evil that they have caused. I will have frustrating days raising my sweet baby, she will push my buttons and we will butt heads, but damn me to hell if I ever harm her in any way. I believe in the old fashion spanking, but there is a difference between swatting the butt and beating the hell out of your child. Please God, I pray, guide me to parent my Gift from you with her best interests at heart. Allow me to step away and take time to process, to always remember what anger can do to an innocent child. Allow me to have the sanity to deal with temper tantrums, and screaming, and crying. Allow me to parent with LOVE, not hate. Amen


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