One year ago today

One year ago today at this time I was at the mall with my husband. Eating lunch. I had finished up my last minute things at work, I was going to be induced on the 1st. To have the baby that never wanted to leave the womb. You all know her as Sydney. We knew her as "the baby." No sexed baby here, we were going for the full surprise. Boy were we surprised instead. I have spoken of my nose bleed before here. So, I guess I could give the whole story. Here is what I wrote in an e-mail after we got home:

Hello All, I know that Scott promised that I would write as soon as I could. We have been running ourselves ragged since we got home Friday at 5 PM. We are enjoying Sydney beyond our wildest dreams. She is a very good baby. She is jaundice so we are fighting that right now. We are very excited when we get a poopy diaper seeing that is the way everything works out of the body. So the past two days we have been to the Dr. for her. Her numbers seem to be on the decline so that makes us feel better. I went to the Dr. Yesterday to have my staples removed from the C-Section. I am proud to say I am below my babyweight when I weighed in. Seeing that I was on a liquid diet for a day and 1/2 really helped I am sure. But because of this my stomach has shrunk back to the size it was when I had my gastric bypass. Needless to say I am needing to take in more food to be able to provided for Sydney and it has been a real challenge.

I saw the nose doctor today as well. Everything seems to be healing nicely. Long very long story about the impending arrival of Sydney but last Monday afternoon around 4 I bent down to get a pot out of the cupboard. When I stood up my nose was bleeding. Scott was sleeping and I woke him asking him to help me clean up the kitchen floor where the blood was. The blood was coming pretty fast and I told him to call the Dr. He called and the dr. told me to wait an hour before we did anything. The amount of blood was incredible and I started to throw it up because of the volume. Scott called 911 shortly after the call to the Dr. This lead to us going to the hospital where I was to be induced the next morning via ambulance. We spent the whole evening until 1 am in the emergency room. They had to call in an ear nose and throat doctor to try to stop the bleeding. Each attempt failed and the bleeding would start up again. We went through all of the towels in our ER room and I literally was bleeding into a pan. They placed several devices to stop the bleeding in my nose, I was not allowed any pain medication during these procedures because I was pregnant. They were extremely painful and Scott had a very hard time watching all of this happen.

The ear nose and throat Dr. put in a contraption that seemed to help. We were released to the Labor and Delivery ward, seeing I was to be induced the next morning. When I arrived there I was given some medication for pain, thank God. I had this contraption that had to stay in my nose until they felt everything was controlled. It had balloons in it and they were inflated with fluid to apply pressure to the bleed which was in the very back part of the sinus. These after investigation are very rare nose bleeds, and usually the worst ones to have and almost always require medical attention. At 4 am I woke up and pushed myself up in bed and the bleeding started again. At this point all hell broke loose. The nurse was instructed by the ear nose and throat dr to try to inflate the balloons in the tubing more. This causes severe pain. I cannot tell you the pain. He and my OB were on there way to the hospital. Once he arrived he then placed a second tube in the other side of my nose. I have the tubes and will keep them always. Scott cannot stand to see them. The second tube did not help and the bleeding would not stop. The only option was surgery to get the bleeding to stop, but I was pregnant. This led to the emergency C-Section. Scott was told many things that might happen during the surgery due to the blood loss. They pretty much prepared him for the worst. He was not allowed to go into the OR, since we did not go to Labor and delivery we went to the big OR. He kissed me goodbye, I told him I loved him, and they took me in and prepared me for the C-Section. While they were getting things prepared I was listening to the anesthesiologist. The things he was saying I told him he was scaring me. He told me that they all had to talk things through as a plan of action to prepare for whatever might happen during the surgery. He told me not to worry that everything was going to be fine but they had to talk about these things. The prepared me for the cut, I said a prayer to God and asked him to take care of me, I needed to be around for my baby and my husband.

Next thing I know I am waking up and they tell me I have a baby girl. I see Scott and he tells me that once I see her all of the hell I had been through would be well worth it. He was never so right in all of his life. I do feel so bad that Scott did not get to witness the birth of his daughter, but I am ever so grateful that God was with me. The whole ordeal is very surreal I feel like it happened to someone else. I still can see Scott's face when the Dr.'s are telling him all of this information and the shear look of pain. It just kills me to think I was the cause of such worry to him. I cannot express to anyone how lucky I am to have him in my life.

He has been an amazing father. I was not allowed out of bed for the first 24 hours so he was really thrown into fatherhood. He jumped in full force and has not looked back since. Sydney is very lucky to have a Daddy that loves her so much. It has been a time for refection for us all I think. Scott said last Tuesday was the worst day of his life and turned into the best day of his life. I can truly see the truth in that statement. He is a very brave and strong man.

So we are now a happy family of three. Not knowing if something like this could or would ever again happen, Scott told me after I got out of surgery that one child was all our family needed. I have to say, I really agree with that. If we feel we want another in a few years, we can always adopt.

I will send more photos soon. If you visit this link http://www.bhcs.com/additional services/nursery/ (link does not work now)
and choose Baylor Irving as the hospital location, and the date of February 1, you can view her online photo from the hospital.

Talk to you all soon. Tons of love-

Tawny, Scott and Sydney

Here is a link (it is the first photo) that I found that shows what was in my nose the last time the bleeding broke through, by the time I went to surgery I had two of these in my nose fully inflated and crying due to the pain... Scott you don't want to go to the link, you will see the things you HATE.

In so many ways, I cannot believe that a year has past. In so many ways I am so thankful to have my husband, the look on his face when all hell was breaking loose was one that I can never erase from my mind. When he pisses me off to no end, I remember the face that face that says "I must be strong, I must keep from losing it, but tears are streaming out of his eyes out of control." The phone calls he had to make, to my parents. He was ALONE going through this. In hindsight my parents should have come up to the hospital the night I was in the ER. But, who goes to the hospital for a nosebleed? Here I am after surgery and having a baby

Such a vision of I have been through hell. If you can see my fingers look like they are all dirty, that is dried blood, I was covered.

Here is a photo of the Star after she was born, before I got to see her:


She is with her Gran-Gran. I don't think I was around when these photos were taken, I know my Mom and Scott got to see her before I did. This could be after I was back in my room, as you can see I really have no clue!

Here is a photo of her this weekend with her Mommy:



And one of her in her front yard looking at the pretty flowers:


I like to call this one Shit Eating Grin. So much of her Mommy in her I tell you.

Tomorrow is your day Baby Girl. This year has been one of discovery for your Momma. When someone tells you a child is something you do not know that you need until you have one, they are so right. I never knew what the fuss was about, but thinking of my life without you seems impossible now. I never knew I had what it takes to be a Momma, and having you has allowed me to discover that I am good at the one thing that scared the living hell out of me. You and I make a great team, even when you are pulling my hair and scratching me and trying to bite me. I understand you more than I understand myself.

Of all the things that cause me such panic and anxiety in my life, raising you has never brought on these feelings. I feel comfortable in this role, one that before I had you I struggled to let myself come into. I was afraid of losing sense of myself, but without having you I truly am nothing.

I love you Sydney Renee'. More than peanut butter and chocolate, more than coffee, more than myself. I am good because of you, you make me want to be better each and every day. I love your Daddy more because of you. I love our family of three, this year with you has been magical and I cannot wait for your next trick.