The verge of panic

I hate to fly. So much so I have to take Xanax to get into the airport. You laugh, but really I panic so much on an airplane I have to try so hard to keep from standing up and screaming "WE ALL ARE GOING TO DIE!" Yes, that is the way I feel the whole time I am on a plane. I flew a ton when I was a child, I took many trips across country from Memphis to California by myself. I never felt a panic and loved the whole time, I flew to Europe twice in my teenage years, so this is not like I am not used to the situation. My first marriage on our honeymoon we went to Disney World and then a cruise to the Bahamas. On our flight home from Orlando to St. Louis, we landed on an icy landing strip. We were in the back of the plane seated on the row that is right in front of the engines. We came in fast, too fast I knew, and I am sitting next to the window and FIRE SHOOTS OUT OF THE FUCKING ENGINE......NO LIE

The only time in my life that I saw my life flash before my eyes. Tears start in my eyes, all I can think is "I have not had time to be a good wife." Which now looking back on that whole marriage is such a LAUGH! Anyway, I am freaked beyond belief I felt the heat of the fire on my face I kid you not, the flight attendants are just carrying on like nothing is wrong, I think one was laughing at me. Since we were at the back of the plane we were one of the last people off the plane. By the time we got off the plane the new flight crew of pilots were already on board. I did not know this at the time, so when we get up front I look at the pilot and co-pilot and say "Thanks for the fireworks on the landing!" They chuckle and say "Oh that was not us, that was the other flight crew." I am not amused, the whole time we walk into the terminal I am freaking out saying, "You could not pay me enough to get back on a plane that shoots fire out the engines!!" My husband at the time was just focused on getting my ass out of the airport. So, from that point on I have this fear of flying. Come to find out fire out of the engines is NORMAL. Pilots will do this if their landing approach is too fast and it is the fastest way to slow the plane down, they backfire the engines henceforth the fire. I found this out after telling many people my "flight horror story." I still to this day have a hard time accepting that. At least the pilot could have come on and said sorry for the drama, everything is fine.

So, we fly for 1 hour tomorrow. For that one hour I will have my Xanax about 2 hours before departure, sometimes I have to take it the night before because the anxiety gets to be too much. We flew to Ft. Lauderdale this past summer like we do every year, I fly every year, I just wished my fear would go away. Still there and today I can feel the anxiety in just getting through the day. I am anxious in a good way to go on the trip to see old friends, but the added bonus of flying causes me to teeter on the edge of a panic attack. Plus I have a ton of things to get done today at work, that is why I am blogging here at work! And at home, I still have to pack for myself and Miss Sydney. Plus I need to get a copy of her birth certificate, she is not even 1 yet but I refuse to be one of the people on "Airline" that is fighting about the age of my child. (Yes, we are flying Southwest. And no, we cannot fly to Memphis on Southwest directly thank you Wright Amendment.) She is tall, Mommy is 6' 1" and Daddy is 6' 4". The child has no hope of ever looking her age....

So, keep me in your thoughts because tomorrow morning for 1 hour I will be in my worst fear senario on a plane in the air, still not understanding how the thing does not keep from falling from the sky. Don't give me that whole scientific explanation, I just know what I know and to me it seems impossible that it happens.

We had another house showing last night. This caused us to have to eat dinner out for the evening. I thought for sure my Husband would have blogged about the drama of last night. I just knew the evening was going to end with him back in the Emergency Room because he bit his tongue so hard at dinner that it poured blood for 2 1/2 hours. No lie. Luckily at around 9:30 PM it stopped after having him hold direct pressure on it for a total of 25 minutes. It was one ugly ass bite. It kind of reminded me of my nose bleed almost a year ago. Same sink full of blood, someone puking blood that they had swallowed, no end in site of the blood to stop. So glad the circumstances were different and the outcome was less dramatic. I felt like utter shit yesterday, I am sick again...Sinus shit like everyone else in the world. I was not very helpful I felt like trash and every part of my body wanted to crawl into bed and sleep. Thankfully he was able to forgo the trip to the ER, the $ 50.00 cover charge is getting old.


At 11:10 AM , Blogger Krust said...

HUSBAND did blog about it... and thank God for Xanax...

At 12:43 PM , Blogger nita said...


yeah, get loaded, it's the only way to fly.

and how f-ing hard was he chewing???!!!! man alive!


have fun. get some son. send citrus to all your bloggy friends :)

At 2:04 PM , Blogger Masked Mom said...

The fear of flying thing--I went through this phobia/paranoia phase where I was so afraid of the mere IDEA of flying that I would never enter a sweepstakes in which the prize was a trip that involved planes. The ironic part of all this is that I've never even been on a plane...I think I've outgrown it, but I'm not really looking forward to testing the theory.

At 3:29 PM , Blogger Kim said...

Tawny - I am terrified of flying and nothing has ever happened like it did to you. Syd will be fine, good that it is only an hour. Your Mom & Dad are going too right?

I'll say a prayer for you and I hope you are able to relax some!


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