The Mommy Meltdown

I just got done viewing photos of my friend Kim's, Little Man's first haircut. I sat at my computer bawling like no tomorrow. Scott came in and I had to show him the photos. I cried because the photos I saw were of this Little Boy not the baby that moved away a few short months ago. Who had just started to toddle around and now he is this real Little Man. I cry because if he is getting older then she is too and it is killing me. Sydney turns 1 in less than two weeks. I have yet to make one damn invitation, I think if I prolong it, it will not happen. I want to continue to refer to her age in months. I joked a few weeks ago about parents saying their children are 18-24-36 months. I know now why they do that, it allows them to stay babies longer. Then they are not growing up. You can keep them longer. I stand in my kitchen crying that I don't want her to turn 1, I want my baby to stay where she is right now, I want her to remain the toddler she has blossomed into the past month. I want the moo's and baa's and ball speak we get. I want her to bring a book and throw it at my feet telling me read it again because the last 485 times have not been enough. Her first college paper will be on Happy Baby Colors, and she will bring Mama in to recite the book word for word.

I have a photo my Dad took of Sydney and I three days after I came home from the hospital. Sydney was 5 days old and I am holding this baby, I told my Mom today the caption on that photo should be "Clueless." I had no freaking clue what the hell I was doing. I was so drugged up on pain meds and still trying to adjust to my ever changing body. I see that photo today and think, Damn we have come so far! I still walk around feeling clueless at times but I am so much more confident in my cluelessness. I do not claim to have all the answers, I never will, but I just went moment by moment. And soon a week had passed, then a month, and then I was going back to work leaving her home for a month with a sitter. My heart was ripped out of my chest as I drove down the road. I felt like a failure and a cheat. I felt like I was leaving her on the side of the road to fend for herself. I knew she was going to do amazing things I would miss them. I hated myself for what I had to do. Today she goes to her day care, and when it is time for her to go home, she throws a MAJOR fit. It crushes her Daddy, he told me tonight, "She used to get all excited to see me, now she ignores me hoping I will go away so she can stay!" I can just hear her saying in her head, "If I ignore him, he will not exist and disappear!"

She turns 1, I have a meltdown. Fuck 16 is probably just going to kill me. Someone tell me where the hell the time went.

I truly never knew I could love something as much as I love her. The love I feel for her hurts in my chest at times. I can look at her and her smile can bring tears to my eyes. Her laughter can make me sob with joy. She is so perfect in every way. I just wish I could bottle her up and keep her just the way she is right now. I know tomorrow and the next day she will be even more enjoyable, but right now, I just want to freeze the moment.


At 7:29 AM , Blogger Masked Mom said...

I know this is probably only small comfort, but you take all the little moments with you--they're the foundation of the relationship you'll have with her for the rest of her life. When she's 16 (or 30, probably, though I haven't gotten THERE yet), you will sometimes look at her and flash on the girl she was at 1 or 4 or whatever. They're all still in there--none of it disappears.

At 11:43 AM , Blogger Kim said...

I have to agree with masked mom, although I am only at one year. I look back at pics and I am in that moment, he is that little again screaming his head off or blabbing away and he thinks no one is watching. I can relive those moments like it is happening all over again. I thought, too, that those would be gone forever.

At 11:12 PM , Blogger Little Miss said...

aw, I know how hard it is to have friends move away. my best friend is about to have her second baby...and I never even got to see her this pregnancy. I feel so...I don't know...

and those little memories are things you have to record in some way. (pics, letters, videos, anything!) because I know how you feel.


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