Yesterday when I got home from work, I felt like utter crap. Last week I had an employee that was sick for two days, seems that their illness they so nicely passed along to me. But, the difference between them and myself, I cannot miss work. Just not possible at this time on the work calendar. So, when I got home last night it took all willpower to make it until Syd crashed for the night, then off to bed myself. I get pissed at times because I am not able to miss like others are able to, but I am management and unlike the management jokes, that managers stand around and do nothing, I work hard and try hard not to miss work. I am carrying around 8 vacation days from last year that I have yet to use. And unlike others that I have encountered in management I do not find the need to keep telling everyone how many hours past 40 hours a week I have worked. When I worked for Corporate America, the director of our department always had to tell us about the 80+ hours she worked. That type of behavior really bothers me. I don't know maybe that is the norm, but in my experience the ones who are bitching that they are overworked are the ones that have too much spare time on their hands to bitch.

Mother's Day is fast approaching and I have no freaking clue what to get my Mom. I am thinking food gift certificates will work best. She and my Dad are working on getting their house de-cluttered and adding to the household belongings just does not seem to work towards their main goal right now. Gotta put that on my to-do list for this week.

I'm still dead tired, I guess I have just resigned to the fact this is the way I will live my life. It makes me cranky and pissy, but well, from the moment I get up till Syd is in bed I am doing something. Seems strange to some that once she goes down, my main goal is to follow in my own pursuit to get into bed. And this goal does not help with the tasks of getting the boxes in my closet unpacked, but by the time she goes down I am drained of everything I had to start my day. I feel that I am slighting her by being so damn tired and I am at a loss of how to make everything balance so no one is short changed. But in the whole equation I feel I am the one who gets shorted the most. I pretty much am going and doing for others all day long, making sure everyone has what they need or making sure that everything is balanced at work to keep going along. I guess all this comes from feeling overwhelmed in so many aspects. That family time together is lacking, that spending quality time with Syd is a balancing act too. Does she get the adequate amount of time from 6:15 pm to 8 pm a night? Making sure she is eating a balanced meal for dinner, making sure she is drinking, bathing her, exercising her mind as well as her body, making sure she brushes her teeth, I have been such a freaking slacker on this. I worry that I cannot cover all the bases in and hour and 45 min a night and I feel like I am slighting her on these things. Why can't I be happy with what I do give her, why does it never seem like enough? These are not new questions, just ones that keep swirling in my head over and over and over. Why is it when you are the most down about life all of these things seem to be more on the surface and cause you more pain than what you are already feeling?

Blahh, I just feel blah.


At 12:10 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's enough, hon. It's enough. Know why? Because you love her. And if her teeth don't get brushed one night, it's OK. What's inportant is a cuddle and a kiss. Assurance that you love her. I promise.

At 2:28 PM , Blogger Tacey said...

I think being tired is an acquired trait of motherhood. I only work part-time but I feel just like you do, worried that I'm somehow cheating MissM out of quality time. Yet, I feel like I'm NEVER going to get all those things accomplished (scrapbooking, deep house-cleaning, reorganizing kitchen cabinets, etc.) that aren't CRTITCAL, because I just want to fall into bed once I get a spare moment to myself.

So, I'm right there with you, sista! But objectively looking at how happy our little girls generally are, that should bring us back to reality and comfort us... we must be doing something right!

At 4:32 PM , Blogger Kim said...

Aw I am so sorry. This weekend you need to rest. You won't be any good to Syd if you are a walking zombie!

With that said, this new antibiotic is kicking my ass. I can't keep my eyes open......may cause drowsiness is a HUGE understatement. If I hadn't tried other things I would be calling the dr for something different.

You have such a high work ethic, probably the highest of anyone I know. You give above and beyond the above and beyond you already give! Those people are so lucky you are there to keep their asses in line, they just don't realize it!

At 7:44 AM , Blogger Sabrina said...

I have no idea what to do for my Mom and Stepmom either for Mother's Day. I hear ya on being tired all the time. I haven't slept in past 7 AM in the past 5 years I don't think thanks to my kids loving to get up at the buttcrack of dawn! As soon as they crash at night, I go to bed myself.


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