Ever feel like this?

I T-R-Y really, really hard to see the good, but maybe that is not seen in the blogworld, because quite frankly a blog to me is a diary of thoughts and feelings and observations. Quite possibly my entries might seem like I am a constant complainer. In my "real" life I think it is safe to say I try an see the good in all "things" around me. I will call attention to utter stupidity when I see it though, I mean, you have to, it is begging you to. The past I guess it is two weeks now have been really, really hard on me at work. Mentally it is blowing my mind. It is a temporary patch that will pass I know, but making it day-by-day has been hard. Many many times I just want to shut my door and put my head down and cry. I know this is no "solution" and maybe it makes me a "girl" but fuck it, it is the way I deal with stress. Today I was offered a really wonderful chance to do something that goes along with my passion of cooking. An opportunity to experience another realm in the cooking world. I jumped at the chance and got my application in right after I read the e-mail. Thinking, this is just what I need right now, it will offer me a bit of solace in an area where I can indulge my passion. Soon after I was up in the bosses office and I mentioned to him that next week I will be gone for three afternoons next week. I told him what I would be doing, and his reply was "Three afternoons are a bit much." If you "know" me, you know that me taking time away from work is pretty much a real struggle for me. Even on my vacations I still work. I have to have contact with my job because it is what is required in my job. When I was on leave after having Syd, I still worked from home and came in every Friday during my leave. Yes, every Friday with the baby, who was 2 weeks old the first time I came in. Yes, that was me. SO, I was pretty fucking pissed today. So, I changed my application for ONE day. I have 4 weeks of vacation, if I did the three sessions that I picked it would take 1 1/2 days of my vacation. I had to carry over 10 days of my vacation from last year because I cannot use them up. When mentioning this in the past the answer from my boss has been "Not my fault you cannot find time to take off." REALLY! Uhh, yeah it is. I will post more about my "foodie adventure" after it is over. I will offer you this: I get to go eat some good food and offer my opinion on it, so well I think that is pretty damn cool.

So back to my do you ever feel like question. I came to this conclusion today, I feel like a bridge that is hanging over a waterfall. One of those shaky wooden bridges that people walk on and never know what the next step is going to have in store for them. I feel like the bridge and the people keep piling on. Then the bridge breaks and everyone on the bridge blames the bridge for not being strong enough to hold them. It makes me question my ability to cope and deal. Makes me wonder if I am strong enough for the job that I have and to do right by my family. Whenever I question my strength it raises all these questions in my mind of what am I doing wrong and what is wrong with me. When it really might not be me and be someone else. Maybe it is insecurity but I hate it.

Then, I consider what other people deal with day end and day out, and it makes me think I am this shitty whiney baby that cannot deal when things get a bit tough. I can think of so many people that have real problems, and make mine seem so trivial in nature. Do I have a point? Does not seem like I do. I guess I am just confused in how I am supposed to feel. If I mention to my boss that the stress is pretty high, he tells me, "your stressed, imagine how I feel." Well, he owns the company, I would IMAGINE he is pretty fucking stressed. So, I just have learned to say nothing at all, it is not a pissing contest, it sure makes it feel like it is. I cannot compete with a penis.