Where to begin

The past few days at work have been even more unbelievable than the past few months. The final comment made by my boss on Thursday before he left the office was made to me, he came in and closed the door sat down and said to me: "If something around here does not change, I am going to sell this Mother fucking place and fuck over a lot of people." Followed by, "I keep watching people around here being fat, dumb, and happy, and I am sick and tired of it." Many other things were said. I am to whipped to even try and type it all. He left the office and has yet to return. With a comment like gonna sell this mother fucker and fuck a lot of people over, really makes you want to give it that 110%, don't you think? All of the problems he is addressing, none of them pertain to my area of management. In fact my area of the company kicks so much fucking ass, that area has not run more smoothly in the past 12 years since I have been with the company. It is frightening at times because I love the people I work with and this has not always been the case. My employees make me look good, and damn it, I enjoy that.

What does all this boil down to? Money. My boss has some bank. Like most business owners. But right before 9-11 things were getting tight. Money was being spent like it was in the previous golden years. In order to keep up with the trend of lower revenue the spending started to take its toll. Because the spending did not adjust to the revenue decrease. Someone, being my boss thought he could continue the spendthrift ways even though the dollars were not flowing in like before. The company had a strong history of being financially strong, and because of this many lines of credit and bills were let to go too far because the money was just not there like it was in the past. Right before things got really bad, I left for my corporate job in Dallas. I was there for about 1 year and 3 months before I was approached again by the company and asked to come back. In a different role, the one I had wanted while I was there. I did not need the job, I had a job, the ball was in my court. So, I told the owner I would come in and meet with him. But I told him right out, "I don't think you can afford me." He said, "Maybe not, but lets talk." The meeting was set, I would go that Monday and meet with him. That Friday when I got home from work, (I swear things happen for a damn reason) in the mail I got my diploma. My long and hard work the damn piece of paper I was told I would never get arrived in the mail. I sat down and sobbed. I pondered my meeting on Monday and told Scott, lets use this as a fantasy. Lets write down things that are so outlandish that they will never concede to. I edited my wants and needs all weekend. I wanted them to say no. When I left to go to the meeting, Scott said your offer is pretty ballsy. My Daddy raised me to be that way, was all that I could think. I really wanted them to say no, I did not really want to come back. And for some reason, they said yes plus with a few more added things I tacked on while we were talking. We wrote them down, submitted them to an attorney because I am getting this fucking thing in writing legally and I walked back in the door. The day before I went back, I found out Scott and I were pregnant. Funny that also was part of my offer. Damn, I still and floored at how good I came out.

But along with this wonderful deal, I catch a lot of shit. Sometimes more than my fair share. Many, many times I know I act more like the owner than the owner does. Many many times I am unable to sleep because of work worries and woes. In fact the past few days and nights have not been very pleasant for me, nor do I think for my family. If I do something, I do it beyond the measure it should be done. I know no other way to work. Yeah, I am extremely arrogant about the job I have done and do each day. And I know many people within the company as well as other colleagues that would agree with this. But at some point you cannot keep going at this pace without breaking down. After the uplifting 'talk' my boss had with me, I mentally and physically broke.

Yesterday came, I walked back in the door even though I was struggling not to run as far as my car would take me. And I started my day again. Obviously me taking down my diploma on Thursday made a few people, (the bosses wife) think I was quitting. She confronted me about it and I told her I am not a quitter. But I cannot and will not be the one he decides to come dump on when what he is mad about has not a damn thing to do with me and the job I do. I told her the plain facts that I have put my job before my family on too many occasions to be unappreciated and treated like a punching bag. That their are MANY and I mean more than my share of nights that I get home from work just in time to put Sydney in BED. I thank God that Scott's hours are as such so he can catch the slack that I leave behind. I am not the typical Mom who works, am a woman in a mans industry and I work harder to prove my salt everyday. And fuck you if you think I don't have to, I do I see it everyday and hear it even more. Once you get to know me and listen to me talk about my job, you know I know my shit. I am not allowed to show weakness in my job. If I do I lose all my credibility in my industry.

So, what exactly to say now besides FUCK. Nothing really. Just that I guess I need to reevaluate what I give and maybe take a bit more time for me? Yeah, I am going to try. Needless to say, my boss left on Thursday and will maybe be back on Monday. Seems things got too much for him, nothing that a little alligator hunting will not cure. Unlike myself, I do not run away when the stress gets to much. Maybe this is me being petty and small, but I hold my nuts up and come back day after day. Knowing that if I am able to come back, they have not beaten me yet.