Sunday night to kick off my partial week off, I watched some previously recorded stuff I had not had the time to watch. I started with Baghdad ER, a documentary on HBO about the ER set up for the troops and the Iraq Police and also the hated and feared. I was informed about this show via the local sports talk radio station in town. They said if you can get through the intro you might be able to watch the whole program. I was glued to my television. The feeling I had while watching was one of helplessness. I felt so weak that I could not perform the duties that these Men and Women serving our Country have taken. They truly are such heroes and I am so proud to have them serving my Country. The utter hell that these people are going through and wanting to get back out to their squad is just incredible. I consider myself a strong individual, I am a huge piece of shit compared to what these people are doing. I just sobbed during the whole show. It was real and I felt I owed it to them to watch and not live in my sheltered world. I know watching does not make a difference but, I felt it was the least I could do. I recommend everyone to watch it. It is bloody and in your face reality. You cannot psych yourself out and tell yourself it is not real, it is as real as it gets.

On a lighter note...

I am indulging?? In my days off. Yesterday I took Syd to pre-school and then sat at home all day waiting for the GE repair man to come in and fix our new oven. My convection oven was not convectioning. I knew that I was not crazy in my thoughts that this thing is NOT working. Come to find out the switch was shorting out or something and it now works. Mind you my window of they will be hear from the hours of 8 am to 5 pm, they used that just about up. I think he arrived about 4:15 or so. But he was here and fixed it and we are good.

Today I had a doctor appointment and I am so happy to report that the medicine that I have been on for my crazy mind is being changed. The gradual weight gain has continued and my Doctor finally said lets try something else. So on Thursday night I start the new meds. This medication was initially used to treat seizures. And if I develop a rash from the medication, it could be fatal...good times! I told Scott today that I was sorry that he is married to a woman with an imbalance in her brain. Now thinking back on my life and seeing how I can live without being so freaked out about everything I wonder how different my life would have been if I was diagnosed earlier or the medication was available back when I was 13. Growing up was hard enough let alone not being able to get my mind right with life. At the age of 16 I was seriously considering suicide because things were just too much for me to handle. Thankfully with a lot of counseling I got my shit together. There were some other pretty traumatic things that happened later during my teenage years and when I moved away to go to college I seriously thought I was headed for a nervous breakdown. Then back in September and October of 2005 dealing with the sudden death of Bonnie and all the repercussions of that trauma sent me spiraling. Thus the medication and such a drastic change in how we were treating my ongoing depression and OCD and anxiety. I have to say anxiety was a great weight loss tool for me. I have to say of all my "problems" I liked the fact that it turned off the need to eat and just be able to survive on coffee and adrenaline. Not the best way to model behavior to your child.

tomorrow my Dad and Sydney and I are off to Dallas to visit the ladies I used to work with before I came back to my previous job. I found out I was pregnant right after I left that job and the women I worked with keep saying that Sydney is their baby. I have not been there with her since she was about 2 months old. They are going to freak and it is a surprise for them all. It will be nice to share her with them. We have been trying to get her to say "GO MAVS!" We ask her to say it and she says "no." That is her new favorite word. While we were out on Sunday all she said while in her car seat to herself was no,no,no,no,no. It could drive you batty if you allow it!

Oh and she said poop today too. Kim and I just were talking about this yesterday. Seems Little Man is just infatuated with saying poop right now. Boy oh boy, what will be next?!


At 1:53 PM , Blogger Masked Mom said...

Heh--the fun never ends with the language thing, trust me! :)

Good luck with the new meds. I've taken stuff off and on. Sometimes the side effects seem worse than the illness--but as soon as I'm medication free everyone around me tells me to go back on. That's gotta count for something, right? Anyway--way more than you need to know, but good luck! :)

At 5:02 PM , Blogger TL said...


Thanks, it was a hard reality to admit that things in my mind just do not work like everyone else. Now I am much better and happier, I will be so much happier once the weight I have gained is gone!

At 8:26 PM , Blogger Yeah, him. said...

Hopefully your week away from the blog meant that it was a great and positive ending for the week...

PA was gorgeous and super warm, so I suppose it was even more summery down there!

At 7:34 AM , Blogger Jen said...

Ellie is still amusing us with her words. Unfortunately, she strings them into sentences she finds funny. Like "My daddy stinks". Loudly. In restaurants and church. And "mama I have to POOP."


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