Where to begin, what to say, when will I be normal again?

Wow, what a week, year, 10 years? Not even a week yet since Bonnie passed, and I feel like it has been so long, emotionally I am beyond exhausted. Each day this week brought new challenges for me to face, but I made it through. I still have not even made a dent into the things I need to take care of, but hell it is not going anywhere and I can do it on Monday.

Today I had a grief counselor come in to meet with the employees. My main concern was the other women in my office and myself. I just knew I needed to speak with a professional. This man that came to see us was AMAZING. He just left an area where he is working with Hurricane Victims from Hurricane Kuntrina. He worked for 2 months in NYC after 9-11, I felt honored for him to come and spend 5 hours with my office. He made me feel that what I am feeling is normal. Tuesday I was angry. I was the first to arrive in the office and as soon as I hit the door I lost it. I just walked in sobbing. I got myself settled and made my way up the stairs to Bonnie's office. I walked in and told her, "I should not be in here talking to you like this, you should be here and I am mad at you for not being here." I wish that was my lowest point that day, but as we spoke of her during the day, I had moments where I was just sobbing uncontrollably.


Needless to say I have had to partake in my airplane flight Xanax due to the anxiety. Night times are the worst, I feel the anxiety creep up. I have been afraid of the dark and feel that there are monsters in my house. Yes, 34 years old and scared shitless to be alone. Today I was told that during traumatic events we revert back to our childhood fears....That makes a hell of a lot of sense. I slept with a night light till I was in high school. Tonight I seem to be dealing better, I do not feel the need for the meds tonight. On Monday I had to have them just to function. I am better but still struggling at times.

It is funny, last Thursday I told Bonnie about my blog. She read it and we talked about it on Friday. I thought on my way home on Friday, "Did I fuck up by telling her about it? What if I want to vent about work or something and she reads it?" I truly think that there was a reason for me to tell her about it. Not that there is any great Epiphany in my writings but she got to see a side of me that others have not.

I also on Monday told the husband about the blog. I told him I know you hate them, but I have started one and it works for me. He has read my blog, told him be ready because he is fair game on the blog. He is a great sport, he takes my shit and knows not to dish it back...Well, not so much but he knows what HIS boundaries are. I, well HAVE NO BOUNDARIES. Ask him he will tell you.

Never been to a funeral...Well not anymore. Wednesday was the viewing, I went early that day, I was told that we could visit before the "official"time. I talked to Bonnie, two of her daughters were there along with one of my co-workers. It was just "different" does not really even encompass what it was. I wanted to see the Bonnie I knew before hand but that is not the reality of the situation. I know that she knows now what she meant to me as well as all of the others that were there to celebrate her life. She really lived each day to the fullest. Even when she was having a bad day, she always would give you a smile. I miss so much about her, I don't think I could make a list, there is just so much.

Thursday was the funeral, as my husband would say in his poetic way, "It sucked." The service was very nice, but the whole funeral thing sucked. Like someone would ever say, "It was the most kick ass funeral I have ever been to, we are planning another one next weekend??!! Or, " I laughed, I cried, it was better than CATS!" No, my assessment, funerals suck and they are for the living, to help process the situation. Did the whole funeral procession, Husband thought that was cool to be able to drive straight through all red lights with police escort. I did want to get out and kick the shit out of each and every driver that did not stop in honor of the dead...It is a law from what I understand!

I have missed a lot of time with my family this week. Being in my own "world" and just attending all the services. I have thought a lot about my family, about the love I have for my husband. He can drive me beyond crazy at times, but the support and love he has given me this week has been so wonderful. I am so damn lucky to have him.

My friends that know what I have been dealing with have been so wonderful to me. I feel so loved and cared for. This weekend I am surrounding myself in my security blanket, my family. I am taking time to be with my Husband and Daughter. Taking time to be with my Parents. Just being with the people that love me, I need that now and that is SO hard for me to admit.

This is for you Bonnie.

I still hear you last Friday telling me "Bye, have a good weekend!" With that Oklahoma twang of yours. I see your smiling face, I hear you saying "SYDNEY RENEE'!!" Asking me how "your" baby is. I see you coming to see Syd and I in the hospital. I see you holding her for the first time, I hear you telling me, "Tawny, she is a beautiful baby......And you know I would tell you if you had an ugly baby." I know now that Syd has her own Guardian Angel, and that missing you will never go away. I know God needed you more than we did here. It hurts, but your light is now eternal and for everyone. And now everyone knows just how wonderful you are.