Just Don't Know What to Feel

I love the holiday time, I always have. I get very depressed after the New Year, even as a child I can remember on New Year's Eve being sad that at the stroke of midnight all the holiday hubbub would be over. It would give me a sick feeling in my stomach. Most of the time this feeling was because we would be starting back to school and in Memphis where I lived for the majority of my schooling, we would get report cards soon after. I knew that the D's that inhabited my report cards would soon be showing their ugly heads. So, I would freak out be sad cry and the overall holiday feeling would be gone. The buildup is always so big and then POP! it is done, over, gone, until next year. I love Thanksgiving because the television is peppered with an assortment of holiday commercials. Some of my fondest memories is when my Mom stayed at home before she started working, and she and I would sit in the living room early in the mornings watching The Price is Right and wrapping gifts. I was always on bow duty. I can still remember how fun that was to me.

This year, it is different. This is the first year we will have Christmas with a child. Last year my husband told me "This is the last year it is all about you." At the time he said this, it really hurt. Being an only child I pretty much am used to the rotation of the earth being directed by moi. But, he is right. This year it is about having our baby. Last year, I can still feel the feelings I was having at this time last year. Fear, excitement, joy, terror. We were taking our childbirthing classes the first two weeks of December last year. It seems just like yesterday in some aspects and yet so long ago. Classes that I should get a refund for, I never once got to use anything I learned about childbirth. The baby basics class, that was a good buy, but the breathing and panting and the deep cleansing breath...nada here. Not a one. I had all the shit too, the stop watch, the yoga ball, the tennis balls for my back, the socks, slippers, breath mints, I had the bag of all bags to take to the hospital. That is what I get for being prepared. I guess I should have taken it from that point on to realize this child of ours is working on HER own time schedule and don't count on things going the way you thought they would...still trying to learn that.

I want to take the huge leap, to buy the biggest tree our house will hold, to decorate till it is totally Griswalded out. To be the talk of the neighborhood, to make this first Christmas the biggest, by God we have a child! But then, I think about it and I get tired. So very tired. Mind you I don't do the outside decorating, I do the inside and even with that, I really don't do all that much. It is my husband, he is Clark Griswald revisited. SERIOUSLY... But, I have to remain sane and remember that we will be right in the middle of showing our house trying to entice someone into wanting this house to be their house for their next Christmas. SO, that part of me wants to buy a table top tree, and do very scant decorating. Plus, it is exhausting thinking about how many million times I will have to say "Sydney, no-no, don't touch the Christmas tree." And the chorus of "no-no baby girl" that her Daddy will be chanting.

I have yet to do any major shopping for anyone. I am being hammered with the question, "what do you want for Christmas." My answer of nothing, and seriously that is really what I want, I want for nothing. That is not a sufficient answer. I want things that are not your normal wants, I want job security, I want health and happiness for the coming year for my friends and family. I want to stay sane for another year. I want an anxiety free 2006. I want to know that everything I have worried about this year will fade into the past and just be a distant memory. I want the pain I have felt to fade and the good times to shine through. I thought a lot about Bonnie this past weekend. Bonnie loved the holidays. She always took the Wednesday off before Thanksgiving to cook. She lived for the holidays. When I think of Bonnie, I always think about the holidays. I found photos of her from last Christmas today. There is one with her and I and she has her hand on my very pregnant belly. Both of us with Santa hats on our heads. It seems like yesterday, but then it seems so far away too. I still miss her, and I am glad. I am glad that I am in a place where I can say that I miss her. Because there was time when I did not miss her, I was just mad. But the anger has faded and the pain of loss is still around. But it is duller than it was and each day is better.

I am Thankful for knowing what love really is. For wanting to give more than I get. For having family and friends that love me more than I could ever love myself. For having a Husband that would do anything for me and never question. For having a child that taught me what kind of person I really want to be in life. For her smiles that warm my heart. I am thankful for my job, my family, my life.