Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the blogger

Let's sum up the week in a word...AGHHHH!!! Monday night, the night of my birthday, I had the birthday meltdown. This proceeds with me screaming being totally out of control, being unreasonable, irrational, hysterical, and just a plain mess of tears. That was before dinner too!! Monday was bad, very bad for me, so bad that I was having very terrible bad thoughts. So bad that on Tuesday, I had to take some quick action on my part. So, this week I have been getting myself back together again. Trying to at least. I upped the therapy just because if I don't do it now I will be doing it in a hospital under mandatory rule. I also went to the Dr. and had my meds adjusted. Yesterday evening was my first dose of the new stuff, a combo of things if you will. All of this is to help my brain stop over processing stuff. That is my problem, really, I can rationally sit and tell you, the rational answers to questions. But, these answers do not penetrate into my brain where I can seek understanding of them. I say, yes everything will work out fine, the numbers work on paper, but in my mind, I am living homeless in a box on the side of the road. It sounds so stupid I know but that is the way I feel things. Yesterday after I left the Dr.'s office I had a huge knot of anxiety in my chest, I could just feel it sitting and stirring there in my chest waiting and waiting to just jump out and get me. Scott and I were going to the store and he said sit back and relax, I told him, I don't work that way, down quite time is when my mind starts to race and over react. It is like candy to a child, let me take this and run with it. It makes me crazy, literally. I think that is why recently whenever I have free time I am reading or listening to a book on tape, quite time is evil for me. I also think that is why it is do damn hard for me to get to sleep. I have not been able to sleep without a sleep aid since Bonnie's death. The meds I am on now, I got a great sleep last night. It relaxed my whole body, even my muscles in my legs were relaxed. Now this morning I was still very tired but not drugged tired. Seems as my body adjusts to the meds this will adjust as well. I did still wake with the anxious feeling in my chest, but I took 1/2 of a Xanax and I have been calm and anxious free since.

On another note, I finished the books I was reading and listening to on tape. I read The Myth of You and Me. It was good,but not as good as I thought everything I had read touted it to be. I listened and just finished Cover the Butter, this book was great in my opinion. It was written by a woman named Carrie, sorry her last name escapes me. If you want a good book with a Mother/Daughter struggle through the whole story, this one is for you. At times I wanted to jump in the book and slap the shit out of the Mother in the story. She was just cruel. Now I am listening to Can You Keep a Secrete, it is O.K. so far, at times a bit too silly but it gives me an escape to listen to the story as I drive.

Well, soon the weekend will be in full swing. I so cannot wait, we have a weekend packed with more packing, painting and re-inventing our home into something a stranger would want to buy. Quite possibly once it is all done I might not want to leave either.