The question I never answered

Yesterday was my first therapy appointment. It went very well, can therapy go well? I feel better so that is good. Yesterday at work was the first day in over a month since all hell broke lose that I felt that I was on top of things again. I know that something will pop its ugly head up here and there and I will just deal with it then. Many things were pointed out to me during my 60 min. of non-stop talking yesterday. First, my therapist gave me a list of things I must do. Things that will help me cope with shit as it comes my way. So here is my list:

1. Watch what you think ou can guide thoughts.
2. Feelings just come and they are just feelings. (she underlined just)
3. Stay in the present.
4. You can solve all of tomorrows problems tomorrow, not today.
5. Take the Xanax so you don't get afraid of being afraid.
6. Grief takes energy, and it just comes at odd times.
7. Make lists for Scott.

Sounds like a lot of what the fuck is she talking about, right? It does mean a lot to me so I guess that is what really matters. The one thing that really stood out yesterday is that she says, and it makes a lot of sense, but I do not deal well at all with sudden tragic events. Not that anyone really would. But it all stems back from some tragic things that happened in my life before. It seems that when sudden tragic events happen I tend to go into overload. Anxiety, loss of sleep, lack of eating if any at all. I pretty much get so wrapped up in my anxiety that then I get anxious about the anxiety and it is all one fucked up circle. This seems to be a typical thing for me. Plus when traumatic events occur it seems to bring up past feelings and can send me into a tail spin. It makes perfect sense to me, but I am the goofed up one.

She asked me a question, how do I relax or unwind. I could not answer that question. I guess by sleeping or by watching television. I did have the massage a few weeks ago that was great. But I don't have a "relaxation" plan per-se. I guess I better try to come up with something. The thing I love the most about my therapy is that she brings reality to the forefront for me. Mind you my husband can say the same thing, but for some damn reason when she tells me this, it makes sense, or more like she gets me to come to that way of thinking that I can see the obvious. This new house thing has me freaked beyond belief. She told me I have a great ability to really lay it on myself...I aim to be an overachiver in everything you know! And she asked what would be the worst thing about the new house. The worse thing would be we would move in and not be able to afford it and we would have to sell it and move. That is all doable if that does happen. It would suck but it would not be the end of the world. The numbers work, why can't I just go with it? The fear, the fear of the unknown could really kill me. Therefore, see #4 on the list. I was also told that 90% of what people worry about never even comes true. So why put forth the energy to worry about it? I kid you not, when I wake up in the morning and I feel fine not worried or stressed, I ask myself...I am DEAD serious here, "What am I supposed to be worrying about again?" Then it will come to me and I can go along with my day. It is so damn stupid! I guess you get into the habit of worry an anxiety that it becomes a way of life and trying to function without it is foreign.

I have come to the conclusion, we are all screwed up in the head to some extent. Just the smart ones of us go seek help when we get too freaked out. I am not done with my therapy, but I do feel better.

On happier notes, Syd's top two teeth finally came through, now she grinds them together and they make this God awful sound. It really freaks me out, I wish she would stop. Yesterday was the first day we got to hear this new sound. Please quit, you are freaking your Mommy out with that freakish noise. The realtor comes out tomorrow to look at our house, I have no idea what this is going to be like. My parents come home again on Saturday, I am so happy for that. My Mom did tell me yesterday that she thinks the new house is a good thing, (Thanks Martha Jr.)for us, and that in the end it will all be worth it. That speaks volumes to me, my Mom is the most level headed person I know and does not do risky things.

So, overall things must be getting better, this is the first time in a l-o-n-g time I have taken time out of my work day to blog. I know not really the best example of a boss, but I eat lunch at my desk and I take work home, so if I blog at my desk I have earned the right. Plus, they cannot see what I am doing. If they did come in, I would minimize it anyway!!

Tonight is TV wonderland for me, so I have that to enjoy!! Plus ol' grindy teeth will have tons of smiles to offer. And her Daddy, he drives me batty, but he loves me.