From heaven to hell and back again....

This week has been beyond explanation. I have dealt with every emotion known to man and I am amazed at my ability to keep my shit together. Monday was hard; it was the first "real" workweek back after dealing with our loss. Tuesday was better, I actually laughed, and then that afternoon I discovered that said lost employee was stealing from the company. Seems we did not feel it was "necessary" to pay for our dependent health insurance.

Upon investigation, I find that another one of my office employees is also receiving free medical coverage for their dependents too. Said other employee is good friend with lost employee...Things do not look good. Needless to say, yesterday I had to terminate the other employee. I work in an office with 3 other women. Now I am down to one other woman. The stress I have felt this week has probably been the worst ever in my life. The anger, and frustration and the hurt has been overwhelming. My grief has been halted and replaced with anger and rage in not being able to confront and ask just "Why." Why would you abuse the "power" of the position you were given? Why is this the way I will remember you? I have so many questions and now I cannot get any answers for them.

The owner of the company I work for is so hurt, he is angry too but right now he is hurt. I cannot blame him at all. I share that anger and hurt. I share a feeling of distrust, a feeling of violation. I feeling that I cannot trust anyone that I work with. I know that this will strengthen my management skills. I hate that when I think of my "friend" who has left this plane and moved on to another that I think of someone stealing and taking advantage. I do not live my life to smear someone's name; I am not innocent in my life. I have done wrong, but I acknowledge my wrongdoing and because of that I feel that I am an extremely honest person. I question was this person really my friend? I hate this. But when the grief councilor came to see me last week, he told me that this was an adult that made choices in her life, they were conscious choices she made and I cannot feel guilty about that. We are responsible for our own actions here or gone, it is our legacy we will leave behind. I have been wracked with emotions this week, I today, finally slept without having trouble. My mind raced all week and the stress I felt in my chest was crushing. I guess I carry stress in my chest. Anxiety was off the charts. I am glad this week is over for the work aspect. When I left on Friday, I stated the week is over and Monday we start fresh and new with a new person starting in the HR position. I also think this might be God's way of kicking me in the butt and telling me to get on with things. Carry on and learn from this and make good on what you learn.

Syd got her other tooth this week, so now we have two teeth. The constant state of drool we have had from month three has seemed to taper off...I finally do not have a baby that is covered in wet mess. I think she will dry out totally soon. The explosive diapers have seemed to taper off too. I am hoping they won't return when we cut the top two teeth..I know better though.

Each day this week I have discovered more and more reason why I love my life so. My husband has taken up the slack where I have not had the energy to even keep going. He is my constant cheerleader, telling me "Your gonna do great Baby." The list of reason why I love this man continues to grow each day. He has so much confidence in me. I keep asking "Why..And what the hell does he know that I don't?" I just hope the shit I have endured this week is over.

The drama...I hate drama; I am ready for a sitcom.

Peace out!


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