Pinned up eyelids

I am so tired today, and I really do not know why. I went to bed early last night, and I have been getting plenty of sleep. My eyes are so heavy right now, I feel like I need to place toothpicks on my eyelids to keep them open. Did any of you see that stunt while watching The Flintstones when you were little. I remember that episode for some reason and always think about it when I am so tired that it is hard for me to keep my eyes open. Funny what you remember.

Well, we have a date, the realtor is coming over on the 10th and we are signing the papers that day, the house will go on the market on the 13th. Scott has done a fantastic job on getting things ready. I have done little to the cause. I pretty much keep Sydney while he works. I did clean out my closet, remember that is the Christmas miracle this year. And you laugh, really it is.

Monday we went out as a family, Sydney all bundled up because we had some fierce wind with a chill in the air, and picked out our Christmas Tree. Not many were unwrapped from their string yet seeing that they probably were just taken off the truck 2 days prior. The one we picked, it looked better at Lowe's. It works, it will serve its purpose but it just looks strange. Once we take photos of it I will post some to show. Maybe a before and after type thing. Our first tree the first year we were in our house was the bomb. Last years tree was a great one too. But that first year, it was postcard perfect. Seems that Sydney is scared of the tree. She does not scream but turns away from it and pulls herself to the furthest side away from the tree when you hold her. I know this is only temporary, soon she will be all in that tree pulling things off and sticking them in her mouth.

Saturday is my Husband's company's Christmas Party. My Husband works for the same company that my Mom works for, and my Mom is in charge of the Christmas Party each year. It is sort of an unspoken rule that we go. We have missed a few years due to other engagements and such, but we seem to be back on track. We will be going this weekend too. I think this will be the first time all 4 of us, my parents and Scott and I are out without Sydney in tow. I just know my Dad is going to keep up a mantra of how much he misses her. I am very thankful for that. It is funny, when Scott told my Dad I was pregnant, his response was "Well if that is what you want to do." WTF? I STILL cannot decipher what exactly he was saying. Now, he tells me if he knew it was going to be this fun he would have begged me to have a baby sooner. Yeah right...I do not think I was ready until at least the age of 34 to have a child. I had to get my selfishness worked out. I just knew that I was not ready and I never wanted to have a child and think "I wish I did not have this responsibility." I was so afraid that would happen so I waited and waited until I knew I was in a place that I would not say that. Overthinking things again. But, that is not a bad times.

I did see Wanda again yesterday. I had to ask, what I am feeling now, is this what being normal is like? I seriously had thoughts that I was too drugged up. I have NO, ZERO, NADA amount of anxiety. I am as calm as can be. It feels so foreign to me. She looked at me and said "Yes." We talked about it, and I feel kind of lost without these overwhelming feelings of worry. She categorized it perfectly by saying it makes me feel like I am forgetting something. Like I have forgotten my purse or something. Things just happen and I deal. I am not freaked out about tomorrow or what might happen. I am in the moment. I still do have fears, but they are not so overbearing like they have been. I just kept asking, is this right? Should I be feeling this way? I LOVE it. I feel like I am living, and not missing life because I am all wound up in my anxiety. Who knew!?

Well, still tired and I am on my 2nd cup of coffee. FYI for anyone who cares, 7-11 has coffee flavored as Gingerbread. This coffee rocks. It is my absolute favorite flavor. I find 7-11 has the best damn coffee, better than Starbucks and so much easier on the pocketbook. You can have your cup refilled for 75 cents at 7-11, and they have tons of things to put into your coffee. Syrups, mini marshmallows, (chocolate, and vanilla flavored), sugared sprinklings, everything you could EVER want. It is coffee Mecca for me. Sometimes on my way home from work I will stop by and treat myself in the evening too. One of my favorite things to do during this time of year is to get coffee and ride around in the car and look at the Christmas lights. Scott and I have done that for years, it is one of the things I love to do with him, allows us to just be in the moment. This year, we will take Sydney, she will probably fall asleep but we all three will just be together.


At 2:56 PM , Blogger Masked Mom said...

I'm with ya' 100% on the eyelids thing--exhaustion is my constant companion...maybe I need a good coffee buzz, but the nearest 7-11 to me is hours and hours away.

Christmas light drive-bys, those we can do. And our town even has fireworks (yeah, in the freezing weather) to kick off the holiday shopping season. They start at a little after 8 tonight, hopefully I can caffeinate myself before then. ;)

At 4:25 PM , Blogger TL said...

Ohhhh fireworks!!!! That is too cool. I love fireworks and having them at Christmas time would be great. Mind you last time I watched fire works it was July 4th and it was a hot 97 degree night here in Texas. Oh well, I love the heat verses the cold, but fireworks now might be nice too!

At 7:55 AM , Blogger nita said...

if you're newly medicated and newly therapized you might be so tired from years of stress disipating....

happy holidays. they become magical again with a wee one :)


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