Better, Tired, and motivated

I am doing better, working hard on myself and focusing on the positive and staying centered on what really matters most in my life. I am exhausted. We had our yearly vacation in FL with the family from NY and MD, is that the abbreviation for Maryland? It was nice to get away, next year I think I am opting to go sans child. Sydney was challenging? I think that would be a nice way to put it, three is ummm well hell. I hate three. I despise three, I would take two all over again to not have three. I feel lost of what to do with three. She is into doing what she wants to hurt you when you are putting her into time out. Yeah sounds fun, like scratching or hitting you with her head or kicking, I just love it, I just love looking like the ass with the child that runs the show. I don't know what to do, I stand my ground but inside but what the hell. Spanking does not seem to work because all I am doing is showing her that her hurting me makes me hurt her back. And then this noise she makes when you tell her something she does not want to hear she does this "ehh" sound and it just grates on my nerves, so we do the soap in the mouth, and that is not even working now. I am at a loss. I am going to have to get a book and figure this one out. ANY suggestion would be appreciated, I thought I would be good at this kid thing....ugh! I don't and won't have this bratty kid if that is the case we will stay locked in our home because I will not take her ass out into public and allow people to witness this behavior.

I took my first ever trip to Las Vegas last week and returned on Monday. It was for my For Your Pleasure business. It was fantastic. I had a blast. Vegas was fantastic, of course I didn't get to see everything I wanted to I knew I wouldn't but I did get to see a nice portion. I learned a lot and met some fantastic people. Bonded with the group of women from my area, cannot wait to apply what I learned into my business and next year Scott is going with me!! One thing I learned about Vegas, you never know what time it is, I lost total track of time. I don't know if it was because I had flown in from FL on Wednesday night and then Thursday afternoon I flew to Vegas. Our meetings started that night at 6 PM and we did not stop until Sunday at midnight. I am still trying to recover. 2-3 hours of sleep were about average because you are in VEGAS!!! Nobody sleeps in Vegas, that is what work is for!

The SUPER BONUS JACKPOT I hit before I even got on the plane to go to Vegas we that Kim an her family came in the day we came back from vacation and I got about 2 hours to spend with her before I flew out again. It was great. Just a few hours her and I chatting, and getting to see one another for a bit. She got to go with me to take Syd to school, Syd played shy, before we got there Syd talked all about her and then clammed right up. Kids gotta love them.

Having a big D in the big D

I just love that commercial on TV that says "depression hurts." It makes me want to throw the TV out of the window. No depression does not hurt, it can cripple you, it can make you not want to speak, move, eat, sleep, wake-up, walk, blink, live, die, care, hope, dream, want, dress, wash, or anything one might want or have to do during the day. I have had bouts of depression in the past. But I have to say that the past four weeks have pretty much been the lowest pit that I have been in. So low that I have pretty much cut myself off from the world. My friends, my family, my co-workers, everyone. I would do what little I had to do each day to get by and the remainder I would just be. I shut down, hard. I am better, now, not out of my pit but I am talking again and that is 100% better than where I was at. I am by nature a talker, I will talk to anyone and anything, and I clammed up, I would not talk to anyone. I could not talk to anyone, I was afraid if I started to talk that I would lose it and not be able to gain control of myself. I don't like loss of control. That does not make me feel comfortable. A million of things hit me at once, that is life I know, but my inability to handle them and try to adjust as needed has taken its toll on me and I know that I needed help.

So, I called my doctor and I am back into my therapy, where I need to be and with some other medical adjustments I will pull myself out of my pit. Work is work, it is always a struggle. Life can get tricky at times, we have had our ups and downs recently. I don't cope well with things that hit me out of the blue. I have had some struggles and trying to adjust to a few bumps in the road has been hard.

I know I will pull out of this, but it has been hard. To just put forth the effort to even try and write about it was too much. I didn't even care to do that. It wasn't worth it, yet. But I am getting there.