Blink, it is gone...
This is the third time I have started to write. Each time my words do not flow, they make no sense. They sound empty and stupid. I just don't have it in me. My mind is a mass of confusion, trying to digest all that has transpired since Katrina hit the Gulf Coast. The destruction is beyond my comprehension. My heart goes out to the victims. My family is safe and I am so thankful for that. Hopefully their house was spared but in the scheme of things that really does not matter.
And yet, life goes on for the rest of us. It is so fucking weird how things just keep going. It reminds me of when you are dealing with a loss in your family and your world stops but everything else around you continues to go on like it does not matter. But it so does matter to you when you are living it. I love that Syd is too young to understand all that is going on, but I know soon enough she will start to see and hear things and the questions will start. I am not going to think that far into the future, I know it will be here tomorrow anyway. My husband would just kill me, right after we brought her home he would ask, "When will she start doing ____?" I would get so angry and tell him, soon enough, don't rush it!
The 3 blessed months I got to spend home with my new Baby was the fastest time in my life. When it was time for me to go back to work, I just kept saying, no, it is too soon. Everyone told me, it will get easier, every Mom goes through this. Yes, we all do, but it is DIFFERENT, when it is YOUR CHILD. I never felt lower in my life than the day I left to go back to my job. For weeks before hand, I would sit with Syd on my lap, and say to myself, drink this in, you don't get this forever. And "Blink" it was gone. I drove out of my driveway and went back to work, being the WORST MOTHER ON EARTH. I come home from work, and I get 2 yes count them 2 hours of time to spend with her before she goes to bed. It sucks, I hate it, but if we want to eat, I have to work. I HATE DR. LAURA. Her concept, great, wish it worked for me, but I live in reality. Bills have to be paid or I will be "my kids mom that lives in a van down by the river, because we have no freaking money to live in a house so I can stay home with my kid."
So, now each morning, I load Syd up, make the trek to her school, and drop her off. I go extra early so I can sit with her each morning for 15 minutes before I have to leave to drive to work. I love that time, this week, she started the crying when I leave. Just rip my heart out of my chest and kill me. I am used to her doing it at home, because hearing my voice in the other room just does not work, I have to "SEE" you Mommy! Then she smiles that smile.
Why am I so damn sappy today? I have no clue, I have these low days, and it seems that the news all around me can dictate my mood. Tomorrow Syd will be 7 months old. 7 months and we have not killed her yet. Please, I say this in jest. We would never try to harm our baby in any way, but seriously didn't you have the thought when you came home with your baby, how do we keep from killing this thing? I mean at the hospital they have trained professionals. And really those two Saturday's we spent in the baby basic class really did not cover it all!!! They never told me that jaundice is likely. And said trained professional came into our room right before we left the hospital and scared the shit out of me because my poor sweet baby was jaundice. I still want to go kick that nurses ass. Bitch.
Oh the sleepless nights, the feedings, the frustrations, the first bath, the screaming!!! Wow, what a ride.