Blink, it is gone...

This is the third time I have started to write. Each time my words do not flow, they make no sense. They sound empty and stupid. I just don't have it in me. My mind is a mass of confusion, trying to digest all that has transpired since Katrina hit the Gulf Coast. The destruction is beyond my comprehension. My heart goes out to the victims. My family is safe and I am so thankful for that. Hopefully their house was spared but in the scheme of things that really does not matter.

And yet, life goes on for the rest of us. It is so fucking weird how things just keep going. It reminds me of when you are dealing with a loss in your family and your world stops but everything else around you continues to go on like it does not matter. But it so does matter to you when you are living it. I love that Syd is too young to understand all that is going on, but I know soon enough she will start to see and hear things and the questions will start. I am not going to think that far into the future, I know it will be here tomorrow anyway. My husband would just kill me, right after we brought her home he would ask, "When will she start doing ____?" I would get so angry and tell him, soon enough, don't rush it!

The 3 blessed months I got to spend home with my new Baby was the fastest time in my life. When it was time for me to go back to work, I just kept saying, no, it is too soon. Everyone told me, it will get easier, every Mom goes through this. Yes, we all do, but it is DIFFERENT, when it is YOUR CHILD. I never felt lower in my life than the day I left to go back to my job. For weeks before hand, I would sit with Syd on my lap, and say to myself, drink this in, you don't get this forever. And "Blink" it was gone. I drove out of my driveway and went back to work, being the WORST MOTHER ON EARTH. I come home from work, and I get 2 yes count them 2 hours of time to spend with her before she goes to bed. It sucks, I hate it, but if we want to eat, I have to work. I HATE DR. LAURA. Her concept, great, wish it worked for me, but I live in reality. Bills have to be paid or I will be "my kids mom that lives in a van down by the river, because we have no freaking money to live in a house so I can stay home with my kid."

So, now each morning, I load Syd up, make the trek to her school, and drop her off. I go extra early so I can sit with her each morning for 15 minutes before I have to leave to drive to work. I love that time, this week, she started the crying when I leave. Just rip my heart out of my chest and kill me. I am used to her doing it at home, because hearing my voice in the other room just does not work, I have to "SEE" you Mommy! Then she smiles that smile.

Why am I so damn sappy today? I have no clue, I have these low days, and it seems that the news all around me can dictate my mood. Tomorrow Syd will be 7 months old. 7 months and we have not killed her yet. Please, I say this in jest. We would never try to harm our baby in any way, but seriously didn't you have the thought when you came home with your baby, how do we keep from killing this thing? I mean at the hospital they have trained professionals. And really those two Saturday's we spent in the baby basic class really did not cover it all!!! They never told me that jaundice is likely. And said trained professional came into our room right before we left the hospital and scared the shit out of me because my poor sweet baby was jaundice. I still want to go kick that nurses ass. Bitch.

Oh the sleepless nights, the feedings, the frustrations, the first bath, the screaming!!! Wow, what a ride.


What's with the water?!

I recently read my college friends blog, you can check her work out by clicking here. She wrote about her basement flooding. Then we have hurricane Katrina, my Husbands Grandparents live right outside of Ft. Lauderdale and Thursday night he was on the phone with them while they were getting the holy hell beat out of them. Then Katrina decides to hit the gulf coast, hitting my family that live in the New Orleans area. So, please......... Don't let us be left out of the water crisis of 2005, last night we watered our back lawn. My Husband forgot about the water, I asked, "Gonna turn that water off anytime soon." I get the "oops", he heads out and turns it off, proceeds to come in and say, "We might have a big problem." Immediately my heart is in my throat, he proceeds to tell me that it seems that WATER is leaking out from under our slab on the one side of the house that he was not watering. Mind you these things only happen at 8:30 pm at night....

I go out to look at this mystery water, my only thought, FUCK...We are so fucked. These are the times I HATE being a adult. So, what does every girl do when they are in need? I call my Dad, he was pretty much useless. Mind you my Father is very versed in construction and things of this nature, but his lack of urgency really pissed me off. I guess I just remember all the times when he busts his ass out the door to help a friend with an emergency and I get, "Wow that could be a big problem." No shit.... I am advised to turn the water off at the main water valve, because you can live in a house with a baby and function so well without water.... Decide against this, water does not seep out anymore because back faucet is off. Still have not a fucking clue what is going on. Night ruined. I am pissed since my Dad could not travel the ONE mile down to my house to just look at the situation. He did state well, you got a jack hammer, oh yeah it is right next to my lawn mower... No, I don't have one but I can get one from my work, no problem. Tells me you can start to jack hammer right outside your patio and start to look for the leak there. How about we try to find the leak before we start destroying everything. Mind you, he is not "seeing" this just telling me what he thinks we should do....

Oh I was pissed. Needless to say I was in such a FANTASTIC mood from here on out. Husband keeps staying, why are you so pissed. I am so pissed at the "whole" situation the only thing I can do is go take a shower, get away from everyone so I don't start screaming. By the time we went to bed the water was drying up and not coming out anymore. Must have something to do with back hose bib on house and that pipe. Of course this is the side of the house that the baby sleeps on...Of course!

Today, come to work, talk to my boss, I can get whatever equipment I need to work on this problem, I even have someone that can weld the copper pipe if I need it. I figured as much but always good to know. Call my Mom, bitch to her about my Dad, she keeps saying, "I know, I know. I have thought the same thing many times myself." Good someone on MY side! Call one of our customers that is a plumber, have known him for years ask if he does leak detection. No, but gives me the name and number of a guy, he fixed his slab leak earlier this year. Good start, use the person a plumber would use. Still have to find out what the homeowners insurance has to say. Husband can do that. Mom calls Dad, asks him to go down and look, leaves a voice mail for him, telling him, all she needs is to know if she needs to call a plumber or not. Dad calls Mom, says don't call plumber yet, will go down later today when not busy and take a look, thinks we might be able to fix it ourselves....This is all I needed to know last night!

Somehow, I think my long weekend will be spent fixing this problem. I guess I will labor on labor day.


Weekend observations

Weekends, they were short before, but add a child into the picture and the two days you have to spend with them is gone in an instant. I love the weekends, probably would love them more if my daughter would learn to sleep until 10 am, but I cannot complain, she goes down at 8 and does not wake until after 6 the next morning, or when Mommy wakes her up, weekdays that is. The weekend was better than last weekend, that one was hell, if those damn teeth would just come in it would make life much easier on ALL of us!

Had to run a plethora of errands yesterday, you know get food for the week so lunches can be taken instead of bought out, replentish the cereal supply, seems that 3 boxes is just about enough to feed my husband during the week, diapers, there is always a need for diapers. While running my errands I had the pleasure of going to Sam's, I recently have started going to Costco, seeing that we need a constant ungodly supply of diapers this is the only sensible place to purchase such items, that and formula. Why is it that every freaking family decides that Sunday afternoon, Sam's would be the best place on earth to bring your family to graze on the food samples. I never knew that you could feed a family of 6 at Sam's on Sunday afternoon. I am one for the free samples, don't get me wrong, but come on people this was not designed to feed the whole family. But really can you fault the masses, I mean it was not a really bright idea for the store to decide, lets give out buffalo wings, because not like people aren't messy enough but lets give them chicken bones too. Damn, what a mess, and the log jam of getting down the aisle where the free food reigns...just about impossible. I had to make this joyful trek for my boss, seems he has the sudden need for corn nuts. I am a fan of the corn nut, but I am hear to tell you, don't go to Sam's or Costco thinking you can find them, you can't. I guess I will have to stock up the corn nut supply from 7-11.

Saturday, the family headed out to the airport to pick up the parentals, so glad they are home. While we wait at baggage claim in terminal A, my father calls. Asks, have you changed terminals yet? "Wha?" Yeah, they changed out terminal, we are at C. Shit...explain to Sydney, yes baby you have to go back into the car seat for another short trip, to be taken out again and then placed back into once again. Usually this is not a big deal, but in the past two weeks, said car seat should be re-named scream seat. I guess it is because she is so damn TALL for it. What really irritated me was not once did anyone bother to announce that the flight had been re-routed to a different gate. I guess they figure everyone has a cell phone, figure it out. AND YES, smartass, I did check the board, twice, never changed the gate on the board. BASTARDS. Thank God my Grandfather was not on the flight, I would still be looking for him, he does not own nor know how to operate a cell phone. I guess with all the changes at the airport, announcements were one of the "extras" they cut.

My emotions have been all over the place, my Grandfather is still struggling, he has had a few more strokes and had one on Friday in front of my Mom. Talking to my Mom on Friday, I could tell she was barely holding it together. Hearing my Mom, knowing she is worried and scared freaks me out. In my 34 years of life, I have yet to be to a funeral, I have had three grandparents pass, my Grandmother that passed 5 years ago, they never had a service for her, she did not believe in God. That really freaked me out, I hope that in the last few days of her life she made peace with whomever and I hope that something is taking care of her in the "afterlife." My main thought, and maybe it is selfish, but I hope and pray that my Grandfather has a chance to meet Syd. I guess, I want her sunny face to smile at him. I want to share her joy with him. My parents took video of her to share with him, he did see it, but nothing compares to the real thing. Then I think about how much this whole thing hurts. I think about how sad and concerned I am, then I think about how my Mom must be feeling and that makes me feel even worse.

The weekend was not all doom and gloom. I did make a kick ass dinner on Saturday, as my neighbor would say. It was my fathers birthday and since he is the worlds hardest person to buy for, I figured I would cook. He made up for the last 10 days and played with Syd. Laughing at everything she did. She loves having a captive audience. I had a great lunch out yesterday with a friend. It is so nice to compare notes on babies and husbands. Makes me feel not so quite alone out there. Then there is always Syd, she has developed this grunt/growl thing. She is beginning to develop a temper. My husband says she gets it from me....He is right, bastard. That and my nose, she has my nose.


"Baby proofing....You motherfucking whore"

I am in the kitchen with my daughter making my father his birthday cake, well the out of the box best damn dessert you can make now that you have a child and only 5 minutes to dedicate to that type of stuff. My husband is finishing up the task of baby proofing the last three drawers in the bathroom and two cabinets left from the marathon of baby proofing last weekend.

I stand and stir the mix talking to Syd and not more than 10 feet away we here every 4 letter word ever known to man. I cannot tell you how many times we heard " Oh you Motherfucking Whore!" I just look at little Sydney, chewing on her sippy cup, innocent to the words flying out of her Daddy's mouth. I look at her she smiles and I say "earmuffs." My poor child, if she did wear earmuffs for each 4 letter occurrence, she would never hear the sound of her parents voices. She would probably develop a hearing loss. Mommy is not innocent to the four letter banter, I work in the construction industry damn it! I was probably hired over 10 years ago because of my amazing poetic ability to out cuss any man that walks into our office. My parents are SOOO proud.

I can so see it now, Sydney coming home, how was school today Syd? "Fuck it was hard as shit, how the hell did you think it would be you mother fucking whore?"

Can't wait, can't wait.


Just print this out and give it to the hospital when I am committed

My husband has the innate goal in life to drive me insane, I am convinced of this. I am a planner, a set a schedule and stick with it type of gal. My husband will inquire "What do we have planned for this weekend?" Using my secret decoder ring, this translates to "What do you have plans to do, and which part of these functions require my attendance?" Weekend plans change from day- to-day it seems. Yesterday he was going to the baseball game, that is fine, we just had a minor glitch in the "plan" because he needed to leave for the game before I got home from work, normally we would drop Lil Miss off at my parents house until I was able to retrieve her. We are talking about a 15-30 minute time span between lapse in parents. Well, said parents are out of town still. What to do? What to do? I suggested on SUNDAY, to bring her by my office, and I will keep her until it was time for me to leave, no biggie I have this option in life, I am the boss. Plus, I work about 10 minutes away from the baseball stadium. He has to travel in this direction anyway! Plan set, I am on go, I am ready getting things set, getting my mind "right" with the plans. Monday comes, husband still on board with plans, drop baby off with Mommy, go to game.

I ask Tuesday night, "your still dropping her off to me, right?"

Husband: "Oh, yeah I think so, gotta call so-in-so, make sure he can meet early so we can tailgate."

Me: "You told me you were going to call him Monday."

Husband: "Yeah, I forgot, I will do it tonight. It is going to be a roaster out there. It was 102 today and, well it is going to be fucking hot."

Me: "Yep."

Wednesday morning after dropping off Lil Miss at school, call husband.

He says "Not so sure I am going to be dropping her off, I might just wait until you get home to go. It is going to be so hot!

My response, "Whatever, just tell me what you are going to do. "

"Well I have to call so-in-so and make sure he will be there early."

"I thought you were doing that last night, like you said you were going to do it on Monday." "Well, I left him a voice mail already today, and he has not called me back yet, I can't do anything until I hear back from him."

"From the call you made TODAY, right?"



Get a call around 10 am, "I am going to drop her off, probably around 4."

"So you got a hold of so-in-so?"

"Yeah, were going to meet early and tailgate. It is going to be so fucking hot tonight."

"Where are your seats?"

"Center field, staring directly into the sun."

"Wow, that sucks, you might want to consider that next time you want to buy the mini-season ticket pack. I mean. we live in Texas and have for how many years? Did you not think that.."

cut off by husband"I am not buying this next year."

"Oh, good, you have not gone to many of the games."

"I didn't pick this game, going in the fall and spring is one thing, it is so hot right now!"


"I don't think I will be staying for the whole game, it is going to be so hot."

I think we established it was going to be hot. She did get dropped off, much drama in the process, was told a few hundred times more how "less than enthused" he was for going to the game as the day progressed. I keep thinking there is $ 100.00 we could have spent on something else than a mini-season ticket package. He did go, and was home by 9:30 PM. Asked if he saw the whole game, laughed and said, no left during the 6th inning. It was HOT.

Dear husband, he is always like this, and the source of his wife's constant state of rage, pick a plan, stick with it and proceed. We will pick something to do, talk about it and then 50 times before the time, change our mind, yes I am doing it, no now I am not. In the end...he always does what he originally planned to do. The one time I don't assume it will turn out that way, will be the time it bites me in the ass.

Oh BTW, did you hear it is hot as fuck out there....

Happy 4th of July, 2005!!!! Posted by Picasa

My first vacation to FL. Posted by Picasa


Here I go...jumping on the bandwagon...100 things about me

Seen this list on quite a few other blogs, so being the "follower" that I am here is my list of 100 things about me...

  1. I am married to my 2nd husband.
  2. I went to college for 5 years, wasted my parents money for 5 years, and never graduated.
  3. Went back to college when I was 32, I think, graduated 2 1/2 years later in a totally different degree plan, that I went for years before.
  4. I have my bachelors degree in Business Management, yes it is a BS/BM....pretty much sums up the area I work in...shit.
  5. I have a daughter, she is the light of my life.
  6. Her laughing makes me cry.
  7. I cry a lot, about a lot of different things, many times it is from the astounding amount of love I feel for my family.
  8. I believe that friends can grow apart.
  9. I have been hurt by friends and probably never will tell them why.
  10. I tend to have very close friends, and then something happens and they pull away from me.
  11. I wonder if I am a good friend.
  12. My college best friend does not talk to me anymore, she hated that I cheated on my ex-husband.
  13. I do not regret meeting my current husband, I regret hurting people in the process.
  14. I believe in God.
  15. I am an only child.
  16. I am 6' 1" tall, I get asked "how tall are you?" All the time.
  17. I hated being tall when I was young.
  18. I love being tall now that I am an adult.
  19. I question my ability to raise a productive, valuable person in society.
  20. I believe that Martha Stewart got screwed because she is a woman.
  21. I like Martha Stewart, I don't care if you don't.
  22. My dream is to be a chef.
  23. I believe wherever you reside you should attempt to speak the native tongue spoken.
  24. I have been to Europe twice.
  25. I cannot speak a foreign language, but I learned please and thank-you for each country I visited.
  26. I wish I spoke Spanish.
  27. I attempt to speak Spanish daily to my employees.
  28. I work for a construction company.
  29. I am in management, a "uppity" name for babysitting.
  30. I am the youngest person in my office, and I "manage" everyone that is older than me.
  31. I hate incompetence.
  32. I dress my daughter in "girlie" clothes, while I can.
  33. I am not a "girlie" girl.
  34. I believe in a women's right to choose. Just because you believe in a choice does not mean you would or have had an abortion.
  35. I have had sculptured nails for over 10 years.
  36. I bite my nails when they are not done.
  37. I believe in a "soul mate."
  38. I knew I married the wrong person when I met my current husband.
  39. I love to fish.
  40. I hate to touch fish and eat fish.
  41. I get along better with men in the workforce than women.
  42. I hate the way my husband drives.
  43. I yell about it a lot when we are in the car together.
  44. I do not like to drive fast.
  45. I dislike motorcycles.
  46. I believe that pot should be legalized.
  47. I do not smoke pot.
  48. I never had a dog until I was married.
  49. I always wanted a dog when I was growing up.
  50. I love Pugs.
  51. I suffer from depression.
  52. I take medication to keep myself "centered."
  53. I dislike Tom Cruise.
  54. I have a love/hate thing towards Oprah.
  55. I do not deal well with people who waller in self-pity.
  56. I believe in trying to find the good in everything, even when it seems impossible.
  57. I find it hard to accept compliments.
  58. I love Julia Child, I cried when I heard she had passed away.
  59. I wish I could sing.
  60. I have no musical talent whatsoever, I cannot read music, cannot play anything.
  61. I am not artistic.
  62. I wish I could be a stay at home Mom.
  63. I worried that I would "lose" myself to motherhood while I was pregnant.
  64. I now cannot imagine anything better than to lose myself to motherhood.
  65. I do not want anymore children.
  66. I never went into labor.
  67. I try to put others before myself.
  68. I can be selfish.
  69. I am cranky in the mornings, especially on the weekends if I don't get to sleep.
  70. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE coffee.
  71. I think 7-11 has the best coffee out there. They even have a coffee bar!
  72. I think Starbucks is overrated.
  73. I love spicy food.
  74. I can eat spicier food than a lot of men that I know.
  75. I compete with men a lot, and it usually gets me in trouble.
  76. I believe that men are physically stronger, I believe that women have a higher pain threshold than men and are mentally stronger.
  77. I hate being weak.
  78. I refuse to show weakness in my job.
  79. I close my office door when I feel weak.
  80. My husband does not know that I blog. He hates blogs.
  81. I have a journal I am keeping for Sydney as she grows.
  82. I like reality TV, my husband hates it.
  83. I used to have a web page about my gastric bypass surgery.
  84. I have lost over 150 pounds from my surgery.
  85. I used to weight 345 pounds.
  86. I only gained 20 pounds while I was pregnant.
  87. I consider myself VERY lucky.
  88. I lost all my pregnancy weight in one week, plus one pound.
  89. I still need to lose about 30 more pounds.
  90. I cannot own a scale, I have OCD.
  91. I want a tummy tuck.
  92. I doubt I will ever have one.
  93. I used to have my belly button pierced.
  94. I once lost 98 pounds on Weight Watchers.
  95. I love Princess Diana, I think she was such a strong woman.
  96. I never thought Brad Pitt was attractive.
  97. I constantly want a new car.
  98. I worked in Corporate American for one year.
  99. I hate to fly, I have to take drugs to fly.
  100. I love my family more than myself.

Can't believe I did it.


Too cute for words.... Posted by Picasa

Taken awhile to digest...Warning...Disturbing material contained in post......

I saw something on the news last Thursday night, I think that was the night. It was so disturbing and I have been processing the images over and over. Seeing it haunts me and makes me sick to my stomach. After I watched it, I literally thought I was going to throw up. I try not to be depressing in my writings, but at times the only sane way for me to process things is to get them out, out of my head. I know you are wondering what the hell was the story about? It was a story about a local baby, 6 months old, just like Syd, that is a victim of shaken baby. This precious, sweet, innocent little baby girl. Her life has been shattered by some senseless piece of shit person, who cannot control their temper. I have a temper, boy howdy do I have a temper. And this weekend, Syd really pushed all my buttons, teething can be such torture to a baby. But she is a BABY. She is not cranky on purpose. This person took this sweet baby and shook the hell out of her. They show this baby girl with her daddy and her grandmother, she has this HUGE scar on her head, where they did brain surgery, they had to remove part of her brain. She has a row of staples from the surgery. The grandmother stated that she was such a happy baby before and they really have to try to get her to smile now. I see Syd during this story, how she flashes that heart stopping smile of hers at me all of the time. I imagine what it would be like to not to have this gift each day. It rips me to shreds. It angers me, a babysitter did this. This woman, she should be shot, dragged, and shaken to death. And no I am NOT sorry I feel this way. I truly try to find good in all that is around me, find the good in things. It is good that this baby was saved, but is it harder for a parent to live with a child that has been injured by some senseless action than to lose the child? I seriously have not been able to figure that out. I hope and PRAY ever so hard that through the miracle of the medical community that she will be able to live a normal life. I hope like hell this beast that did this rots in hell forever. Oh that sweet baby.

After the story, I was sobbing uncontrollably, my dear husband came in during the story, he heard me crying, he just sat there stunned and asked why I watch things like this. I have no clue, easy to turn the channel, but I think the story was worth hearing, and seeing. I sat on the bed and thought I was going to throw up, the sick feeling still is in my gut. I really don't know if I will ever not have it with me. DAMN, people really anger me. I have that feeling I should do something, but what? And where to start? Oh that sweet baby girl. I went in and had to see Syd while she slept. I touched her sweet perfect little scarless head and told her I loved her, asked God to bless my sweet baby, and please oh please be with that sweet baby girl. I have never know the true power of God until I had my own child. I look into her little perfect face and see that someone Higher exists. Only he could give me such a precious thing in life. I truly do not feel anyone can understand this feeling until you have your own children. I did not believe this until I had one of my own. Trust me, it is so worth the wait, and the power of loving your children, it is the GREATEST thing on earth.

Thinking I am "over" this and can write about my feelings without crying, fooling myself again. I sit and type in my office at work, tears streaming down my face. Quick to wipe them away, "must uphold front of armor, employee's must not know I have a heart!" I am management Damn it! Hoping that now that I have gotten my "thoughts out" that I will absolve these horrid images in my mind. But I know they have been burned into my memory, it is now up to me to use them for good instead of the evil that they have caused. I will have frustrating days raising my sweet baby, she will push my buttons and we will butt heads, but damn me to hell if I ever harm her in any way. I believe in the old fashion spanking, but there is a difference between swatting the butt and beating the hell out of your child. Please God, I pray, guide me to parent my Gift from you with her best interests at heart. Allow me to step away and take time to process, to always remember what anger can do to an innocent child. Allow me to have the sanity to deal with temper tantrums, and screaming, and crying. Allow me to parent with LOVE, not hate. Amen


It tugs at my heart

This weekend was a real doozie...Is that the way you spell it? Hell, I have no clue and spelling is not my forte'. Currently my parents are out of town, they have gone to visit my Grandfather, they had this trip planned for months, it is their yearly visit. Well a week before they were to leave my Grandfather had a mild stroke. He is doing quite well now, his recovery has been great, he is working very hard to regain the mobility he has lost due to the stroke. About 6 years ago, my Mom and I flew out to see my Grandfather and Grandmother, it was a sudden trip my Grandmother was not doing well and she requested to see us. It was the last time I got to see her. When we got to their house, I was amazed, and devastated. My grandparents live in a beautiful house in the Napa Valley, due to my Grandmothers illness, my Grandfather had been sleep deprived and unable to maintain the house in the manner it needed to be. My Grandmother had developed this compulsion to shop. So while she was mobile, via a wheel chair she would shop and buy and buy and buy. The house was littered with clothes and bedding, household items like plates and pots and pans. They were still in the shopping bags. I am talking of rooms filled with bags of stuff never opened or used.

They had a massive mouse problem, and also had possums that were living in their house. The front yard was terribly overgrown with berry bushes and grass. The house was such a beautiful place and had been turned into ruins. My Mom and I took that week while we were their and cleaned the kitchen. It took the whole week, from about 9 in the morning until about 7 at night. I don't think I have ever worked so hard in my life. When we left we had an exterminator come out and treat for the mice. I cannot tell you how terrible it was. I spoke with my Mom yesterday and she told me that the house is even worse now than it was when we were out there before. My Grandmother has since past, she died that December after I had seen her in September, it was 1999. I remember it so vividly because it was 9/9/99 and MTV was doing a big awards show on that date. I can still see the promos of it. My Grandfather is an amazing individual. He is has his PHD in Psychology, is a retired Lt. Co. in the United States Air Force. He fought in Korea and was on two tours of Vietnam. He taught artic survival while in the military. This man is no slouch. He lives in shambles. And it breaks my heart. My Grandfather was my favorite person when I was growing up. When I would come and visit when I was little he would play with me for hours. We would play pine cone store, and I would sell pine cones to him. We would play so many fun games that I would make up. He always played right along with me and made me feel like I was the only person on earth that mattered. Now to see how his life has spun out of control it tears me up inside. Today my parents start on getting the house in some sort of order. They have ordered a dumpster to be delivered to the house. He had canceled his garbage service because he said he did not generate enough to constitute the expense. So the garbage has been accumulating in the house. It just creeps me out. It is so gross and upsetting. Hopefully my parents can start to gain some control over a situation that has gotten way out of control. At what point are you able to come in and take control when someone will not allow you to do so? Thankfully he is starting to see that he cannot do this himself and needs help. He will not be able to go back and live by himself again. So determining where he will go is something else that everyone is dealing with. They are working on a 4 month plan where he can go live in four month portions with each one of his kids. I am all for that, that means I get four months of the year with him and he can get to know Sydney. He has yet to meet her.

I am filled with such sorrow over the whole situation. It is something that has been getting worse and worse but until he allowed anyone to come in and take over, nothing could be done. He still has items that were my Great Grandmothers, stockings that require garter belts to wear...Why not just throw it away?!! It is crazy. So my parents are going to be working their asses off for the next week. I am sure when they return home they will need a week to recoup from the work they have done.

I guess I am just feeling helpless because I am not able to help in any way. This weekend seemed to be hard for everyone. Sydney is into active teething, or at least that is what we are calling it. This weekend she really did not like her Mommy. Saturday evening was a real joy for said parties. I reached a moment where I was so stressed because no matter what I did she just screamed. I looked at her and told her, " I am so sorry, I have no clue what you want." I would get angry and frustrated because I could not make her happy no matter what I tried. She was so overly tired and Daddy was involved with replacing all the locks on the house. One breaks, replace them all. That took 4 hours to do, and needless to say it meant that I had no help. He was cussing at the doors, seems that this project was a little more labor intensive than he had anticipated. Syd was crying, her nap was cut short by the noise Daddy was making working on the back door lock. Mommy comes in to get Syd, change her diaper.....the WORST thing you could ever do...just ask her, she will scream at you about it. She has screamed so much this weekend that she is losing her voice. She will try to scream now and nothing comes out. It is kind of funny. Yesterday was better but she still was not too fond of Mommy. Daddy went fishing at 5:30 am and woke her up. Needless to say she usually wakes around 6-7 on the weekends. By the time Daddy got home, Mommy was in need of a break. It just kills me, a break to Daddy is going to the grocery store. Yes, it is nice to go without the baby, but I replace one worry for another, make sure you get all that you have come for. Oh and don't forget the air filters and the SIZE that you need as well. Daddy took over, and Mommy came home and cooked dinner. We ate at 8:30, Syd went down at 7:45 for the night.

So we had adult time, we watched the Comedy Central Celebrity Roast of Pamela Anderson. Talk about raw material. It was harsh, funny, crude, and shocking. I think the most disturbing part of the night was Courtney Love, she is....I don't even think there is a word for her. She was drunk or stoned or both during the whole show, and kept saying she had been clean for a year. A year my ass. Then today I hear that she confessed to the judge handling her probation that she has NOT been clean...OH REALLY! And I also heard today that she is pregnant. Good Job there Courtney!!! Nevermind those pre-natal books, have another hit of Heroine, it does the body good. Some people do not deserve the breath bestowed upon them. I hope and pray the baby makes it OK, because I am sure she does not have the sense to do what would be best for all involved. I hope it is all a lie and a terrible rumor.

A friend of mine said a few weeks ago "Common sense is not so common." Damn Skippy.


What's Next???

Today I was driving to work and listening to the radio, another station that the one mentioned in the previous post, (they were at commercial break) And the host asked this question that was in "O" magazine this month. "What is next, in your life?" So they had people call in that as soon as they asked that question they knew what was next in their life. You had all the original ones of graduate college, get married, have a baby, you know the "given" one I would call them. Then I got to thinking about my life, and I have no clue what is next. I really have no plans for what is next. And I cannot decide if that is good or bad? Does this mean that I am running around without any direction in my life?? I mean last year everything was so planned out, I was pregnant and we were in full "baby mode." Enjoying the last months of being married people with out children. Gearing up for the addition with showers, shopping and all the general hoopla that goes along with getting ready for a baby. Before we were pregnant I had everything planned out, I was graduating college and I had promised my husband once I graduated we would work on the baby aspect of our lives. Well, wham, bam, thank you ma'am, first try and we were pregnant. Everything went EXACTLY to my plan. But, now, no plan...and that is OK. But am I to be striving towards this lofty goal? Right now I am just lucky to make it out of the house with Syd and her bag for school and remember the medicine, and oh yes remind my husband to bring it home too! I mean I am good to have next Saturday planned to go to the airport and pick up my parents from their vacation. And I am looking forward to this! Did I lose my goals in motherhood? Did I have goals other than graduate college? I guess what is really bothering me is that I am so OK with not knowing what is ahead. One woman called in and said divorce was what was next for her..I thought that a bit strange but hey at least she had something! Another woman called and had this whole plan layed out, she was going to graduate next year from culinary school, quit her corporate job, and start her own personal chef business. Hats off to you! I don't even know what we are having for dinner tonight and I get off of work in 10 min.

Maybe this is why Oprah is where she is and I am where I am. But, I love really not knowing what is ahead. Time flys by so fast now that we have Sydney. She is 6 months old and it seems like yesterday we brought her home from the hospital and I had no clue what to do next. Things just fell into place and I cannot imagine not being where I am now. Not knowing what is next, but loving the ride.


I just don't get it?!

Men, I just do not get them at times. Today I am listening to the radio at work and I listen to the local AM sports talk radio station. I know so strange, I am so NOT there demographic. But anyway, they are talking about if women ever know that men are checking them out. So they ask women to call in and talk about this issue...See yeah, sports talk my ass. And somehow they get on the conversation of every man's dream of two women. There were these women calling in saying that they would intentionally make out with their other women friends just to drive men crazy. They are talking about this on the radio and the three radio hosts are acting like monkeys at the zoo. They were ridiculous. I was sitting at my desk just saying over and over in my head..."Men are so dumb." The kicker, about 10 minutes later my husband calls, asks are you listening to The Ticket. I said "yes", he says, "that was pretty funny." My response, "your an idiot."

I just don't get it...Thank God! I mean I have been wild and crazy in my life, but never and no amount of alcohol would ever prompt me to make out with my girlfriend.

Also recently my husband has found this show on HBO called the "Cathouse". It is about the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada. Mind you we know about this place from this said radio station mentioned above. The "owner" of the Bunny Ranch is a regular guest on one of the evening shows. Anyway, this show is so...Freaking weird! I cannot believe the stuff the people are "into." And then to have it put on TELEVISION. I mean if you want to be a freak behind closed doors go for it, but hell have some pride and don't advertise your strange sexual needs and wants on TV for God sake! Just when you think people have hit the plateau of weird then something else pops up. And we watch. I swear it is children's videos once Syd starts getting into television. I even think I am going to buy the Shirley Temple DVD's so she can watch those if she feels the "need" to watch TV. I have all of these pre-conceived notions that she is not going to do this and not going to do that, yeah I know just kidding myself. I mean, I was not that comfortable this summer while on vacation and my husband's 10 yr old cousin is watching "Viva La Bam." Just made me feel a bit weirded out.

I just got a news update via e-mail here at work. BTK Killer sentenced to life in prison. Gee thanks, I so wished he did this in Texas. Seeing how we are KNOWN for our extended use of the lethal injection. Someone today said on, yes the same radio station, that we can only hope that he gets the Jeffrey Dahamer treatment while in prison. Great point I thought. We can only hope.


Am I crazy?!

I must have really lost it, I have been reading some of my college friends blogs, thought they were so damn cool, that I too must jump on the blogging train. My biggest fear....What if I cannot "blog" as well as they do! Like will anyone really care what I write. And then I have thoughts, what if people I work with read this? Or friends, possibly ones that I might want to write about, then they get their feelings hurt? Oh God...What really have I done?! Or what if the "ex" stumbles upon the blog. NIGHTMARE! See, this blogging thing is so random for me and so off!!

My fellow blogger friends from college have these great lists of things you will never see them doing. I read one comment someone made about things you thought you would never do but have. That would be the list I would have to start. Things I never thought I would do and yet, I have. Many I am so proud of..others well, we all have our moments. So here goes!!!

  1. Cheat on my husband. (well ex that is)
  2. Have a child, yes this year my husband, 2nd that is, and I had a baby girl.
  3. Love being a parent. I knew I would love it, but love it. I never thought it would be so powerful. I cannot imagine life without Sydney.
  4. Be married more than once. I am married to my 2nd husband as I stated before. He is amazing. I cannot believe I am so lucky to have him in my life.
  5. Graduate college. I had some pretty mean people in my past, and I was told by them that I could become a factory worker. Mind you this is after I had been in college for 3 years. Gee thanks for that vote of confidence!
  6. Weigh over 300 pounds. Yes, I did over 4 years ago. But with gastric bypass surgery I am now healthy and happy.
  7. Have a C-section.
  8. Almost die from a nosebleed.
  9. Ride the sky coast at Six Flags, it is the ride that they take you up on this wire like a HUGE swing and you pull the rip cord and you fly down. It was crazy!
  10. Jump off a cliff into a river...twice!
  11. Go to Hawaii..I will go back!!
  12. Go back to work at a company I left the previous year.
  13. Be asked to come back to work after leaving the year previous...they came looking for me.
  14. Meet Jacque Pepin and Martin Yan...and they talked with me....totally crazy!
  15. Blog.

I know that there are tons more things I will think of once I hit publish.