Fell off the bloggin train

I know it has been awhile but did not realize it has been THAT long. WOW. I wish I could say nothing much has happened, I know a lot has. But to sum it all up I truly cannot remember what has or has not transpired. Work is work, Syd amazing, each day she finds more amazing ways to test my ability to remain sane. I often question my ability to raise a responsible human with all of the curve balls she throws me. She tests and tests my patients and I know that this is her way to see what exactly she can get away with. It would be easier to say I give up, but I a) am not a quitter, b) she will not win, c) I am stubborn, d) what I say goes, e) I guess I like torture?

Each day I begin the day and seriously cringe because I don't know what I will be waking up. Why a college educated woman like myself thinks this way, I have not a clue. And if you are thinking "When I have kids, this will not happen to me." Let me tell you, I said the same damn thing. I had this shit all planned out and I wasn't going to let some little person run my world. Just you wait. They will throw your world upside down. Many times Scott and I sit back and wonder, how a trip just to the store could have been derailed and never taken place because she chose not to do one simple task like put on your coat or wash your hands. And seriously all hell breaks loose. We live by, we say it it must be done. And trust me, if you don't follow through on these small tiny things, they become huge issues when it comes to not listening.

On to happier notes. My wishes for this Christmas have already come true! How great is that?! I have had a friend who her husband had lost his job months ago and he got a job this week! I made out a list a few weeks ago of what I wanted for Christmas and the two things I listed were job for Chad and renewed health for Kimmer's husband. Seems that Kim's husband's levels are on the rise as well. I am putting on my list that Haley receive healing too, she is struggling with her cancer again. There is talk of her possibly going to St. Jude. Seems that Cooks Childrens in Ft. Worth is not able to do much else for her. She will be going on her Make a Wish trip shortly after the New Year and we are all very excited for her to go to Disney World! Please keep praying for her and her family!

Merry Christmas, blessings of goodwill to all and health and happiness for 2009.

Things that I have to comment on

1.) Clay Aiken reveals that he is gay. Who JUST got this memo? Now because he has a child he cannot raise his child to lie and hide. So now he comes out, he is gay. Great Clay, bravo, guess what, we already knew.

2.) We recently got a letter from our HOA. We mind out VOTED for our HOA, we moved into our neighborhood before our HOA was established fully and was still under the control of the builder. Long story, redundant, stupid, but anyway, we got a letter a few weeks ago about our shed that was built two weeks after we moved into our house, almost 3 years ago. Before the HOA was put into place. Yes, you are reading that correctly. And the opening line of the letter is "The HOA Board has noticed you have constructed a shed on your property." Yeah, long before you were around fuckers. So, I have till October 31, 2008 to have my pre-existing shed approved by the HOA Board with PLANS and PHOTOS, or I will be fined $500.00 for not obtaining prior approval for construction projects. Who do I get prior approval from? Mind you the shingles on the damn shed were given to us by the freaking home builder so they would match our house, and we spoke to the warranty specialist of our subdivision about our shed, and utilized the specs provided in our HOA guidelines that were provided when we moved into the subdivision. BUT, since this time our home builder has since fired/laid off these former employees so I cannot obtain statements from these former employees in my "defense." So I have to write up a submission in regards to my freaking shed that houses my lawnmower and other home ownership needed items that I would not want to have thrown all around the yard and make it look trashy, that would be in violation of the HOA regulations! Heaven forbid you have a SHED! Or one built without prior approval, I understand their purpose, but why not have someone go around and ask the homeowners go door to door. They have done this before in regards to other issues....instead, I had to go to the dang post office and pick up a certified letter that cost over $5.00 to mail and waste time doing this pantie waste dog and pony show over a freaking shed....that they obviously looked over our fence to see.

3.) Grey's starts tonight. I can hardly wait. I am excited, stoked and ready for another year of Grey's. That damn writers strike last year really kicked the shit out of the TV viewing season for all of my shows! So I am ready for a full season of shows. No half assed season of 7 episodes and then seeing the same seven over and over and over again that I wanted to PUKE! Also, I must tout the greatness of The Office, I swear that show is freaking hilarious. The stupidity of that show just about sums up some of what I work with from time to time. And I am not lying. If I had a penny for every time I had someone question how the fax machine worked, I would be a rich woman. The statement did come out of someones mouth that "I don't know how to work that high-tech equipment" yeah it is REALLY high tech, because you cannot understand the concept of a flashing light telling you that the fax is going through. And if it does not flash it will print out the cover sheet and tell you FAILED, it is REALLY HIGH TECH!!! Or your a really big DUMB ASS. I vote the latter of the two, now get off of my island. Oh sorry wrong show.

4.) I have a party tomorrow night. Let's just say, it shall probably be one of the most interesting ones I do. And the group rhymes with ringers.

Better, Tired, and motivated

I am doing better, working hard on myself and focusing on the positive and staying centered on what really matters most in my life. I am exhausted. We had our yearly vacation in FL with the family from NY and MD, is that the abbreviation for Maryland? It was nice to get away, next year I think I am opting to go sans child. Sydney was challenging? I think that would be a nice way to put it, three is ummm well hell. I hate three. I despise three, I would take two all over again to not have three. I feel lost of what to do with three. She is into doing what she wants to hurt you when you are putting her into time out. Yeah sounds fun, like scratching or hitting you with her head or kicking, I just love it, I just love looking like the ass with the child that runs the show. I don't know what to do, I stand my ground but inside but what the hell. Spanking does not seem to work because all I am doing is showing her that her hurting me makes me hurt her back. And then this noise she makes when you tell her something she does not want to hear she does this "ehh" sound and it just grates on my nerves, so we do the soap in the mouth, and that is not even working now. I am at a loss. I am going to have to get a book and figure this one out. ANY suggestion would be appreciated, I thought I would be good at this kid thing....ugh! I don't and won't have this bratty kid if that is the case we will stay locked in our home because I will not take her ass out into public and allow people to witness this behavior.

I took my first ever trip to Las Vegas last week and returned on Monday. It was for my For Your Pleasure business. It was fantastic. I had a blast. Vegas was fantastic, of course I didn't get to see everything I wanted to I knew I wouldn't but I did get to see a nice portion. I learned a lot and met some fantastic people. Bonded with the group of women from my area, cannot wait to apply what I learned into my business and next year Scott is going with me!! One thing I learned about Vegas, you never know what time it is, I lost total track of time. I don't know if it was because I had flown in from FL on Wednesday night and then Thursday afternoon I flew to Vegas. Our meetings started that night at 6 PM and we did not stop until Sunday at midnight. I am still trying to recover. 2-3 hours of sleep were about average because you are in VEGAS!!! Nobody sleeps in Vegas, that is what work is for!

The SUPER BONUS JACKPOT I hit before I even got on the plane to go to Vegas we that Kim an her family came in the day we came back from vacation and I got about 2 hours to spend with her before I flew out again. It was great. Just a few hours her and I chatting, and getting to see one another for a bit. She got to go with me to take Syd to school, Syd played shy, before we got there Syd talked all about her and then clammed right up. Kids gotta love them.

Having a big D in the big D

I just love that commercial on TV that says "depression hurts." It makes me want to throw the TV out of the window. No depression does not hurt, it can cripple you, it can make you not want to speak, move, eat, sleep, wake-up, walk, blink, live, die, care, hope, dream, want, dress, wash, or anything one might want or have to do during the day. I have had bouts of depression in the past. But I have to say that the past four weeks have pretty much been the lowest pit that I have been in. So low that I have pretty much cut myself off from the world. My friends, my family, my co-workers, everyone. I would do what little I had to do each day to get by and the remainder I would just be. I shut down, hard. I am better, now, not out of my pit but I am talking again and that is 100% better than where I was at. I am by nature a talker, I will talk to anyone and anything, and I clammed up, I would not talk to anyone. I could not talk to anyone, I was afraid if I started to talk that I would lose it and not be able to gain control of myself. I don't like loss of control. That does not make me feel comfortable. A million of things hit me at once, that is life I know, but my inability to handle them and try to adjust as needed has taken its toll on me and I know that I needed help.

So, I called my doctor and I am back into my therapy, where I need to be and with some other medical adjustments I will pull myself out of my pit. Work is work, it is always a struggle. Life can get tricky at times, we have had our ups and downs recently. I don't cope well with things that hit me out of the blue. I have had some struggles and trying to adjust to a few bumps in the road has been hard.

I know I will pull out of this, but it has been hard. To just put forth the effort to even try and write about it was too much. I didn't even care to do that. It wasn't worth it, yet. But I am getting there.

Do I write about it or not

My fear is if I write about this, my husband will think that this "event" is something that I am obsessing over it. I don't want to seem to make a bigger deal out of this than it is, but it is a factor of something that I have known I would have to deal with eventually. And I did quite well I must say. I am proud of me. So here goes:

Last Sunday I saw my ex-husband. First time I have seen him in person in over 10 years. It was a shock. I was completely taken off guard and I think that is what hit me the hardest. I hate being surprised. Of course this all happens when I am alone shopping on a Sunday, by myself, and looking like shit. Migraine and all strolling around in a craft store. Walking down the main isle and I hear my name being said in a questioning manner. I answer yes and look up and there he is. My first thought, "oh shit." He stuck out his hand, we shook hands, I said "Hey!" in a VERY surprised manner, said "how are you doing?" out of shock, and he says "very well" and that was it. Done. Needless to say I was shaken up. Afterwards I thought of all of these great things I could have said, but I think the way things played out, it was the best for all parties. I also like the fact that he approached me, because heaven forbid anyone think that I was stalking him or trying to find him. Plus I always wondered if we did happen to run into one another would he or I say anything to each other. Neither one of us had anyone with us, so it was probably less awkward for both parties.

It is done, I never have to worry about the "what if" again. I am glad that we can be adults and just go with the flow. I am glad that we both have moved forward and realize that our lives are so much better now than they were before. He has become extremely successful in his life and I am proud of him. Words I never thought I would say, I guess the anger and pettiness has left, and I am glad to put that all behind me.


Oh yeah, I promoted in my Tastefully Simple business. I have now 4 recruits and I also got my first bonus check from my down line sales. Easiest money I have ever made. LOVE IT!

The only way to get away is to make myself go

Kind of silly. All this philosophising means to translate to: I do not take my vacation time, I take maybe 10 days of the 20 days I have each year. I think currently I have 6 or 6 1/2 weeks to take. Needless to say is that I do not take the time given to me each year. SO, this weekend Scott and I had a weekend away, left on Saturday and came home on Monday. We did one of those you can stay here for cheap if you listen to our 90 min talk of "why you should buy a timeshare." Hey I ain't proud, I am a cheap money grubbing whore, sorry that is what I call myself. Scott has been reduced to my ways and looks at me and asks when I turned Jewish many many times here in the recent future. Sorry I am a cheap cheap person. So we did our speech, the whole thing was "supposed to be" 90 minutes. YEAH, 5 yes I said 5 hours later, we walk out the new owner of a timeshare. I know you are saying "SUCKER." Hey, we went down and before I left you can ask everyone I know I was saying "I am not buying a damn thing." OK so my point being here, if I have to pay each month I will be taking my damn vacation. Pretty much if I pay for something I use it until you cannot get anything out of it anymore. I am currently working on a monitor at work that consistently blinks on and off because it is DYING and I refuse, yes refuse to buy a new one. And don't get me started on the toner and ink cartridges. I am sure my parents are so proud.

Needless to say my Dad completely ripped my ass about my "senseless purchase." I think I heard the line "if you were to take that $ each month and invest it you could take a very nice vacation anywhere each year." And if I was disciplined enough I could do a lot of other things, but sorry in my world, it just does not work that way. The resort we stayed and purchased at is just a few hours away and offers exactly what we need as a family, the kids activities alone are amazing. I can get tons of weekend trips this way than I could before. This is the only way I will be making myself use what I earn, many, many times over.

Taking a leap, jumping on board, whatever I am doing it

OK, so my "new" thing currently is that I am "taking control of my life". I have decided that with all the stress that my job causes me that basically I want to be my own boss. Really, news here? Who does not want to be their own boss? After the past three years at my job I have really been put through hell and back, to some extent I think it is slowly killing me at times. My stress level at times is more that I can even share with anyone. I figure everyone has stress, but at times I think I am going to lose it, mind, body and soul. So during another one of my sleepless nights that anxiety has crashed through two sleeping pills I decided that I needed to do something to make myself secure. To take some control. Financially we did not win the lottery so I HAVE to work like 99.9995% of us out there. BUT, I did decide to become one of those independent consultants for another home based business. Drum roll please...I am a new Tastefully Simple Consultant. Kim also is a consultant and I had never heard of these products until she told me about them. I love them, it's food what's not to love. So, yeah, I am doing this. My goal is to make enough that I can with this pay for daycare. That would be an extra 10K a year. Yeah it is ridiculous but, well you do what you have to.

So if you care you can check out this website with the products, you can even order from the website. Cheap plug, you bet. But you get what you put out there. So here it is.

A zillion things to write about, but I only have 30 seconds to do it in

Now only 15 seconds. I have a million zillion things to write about, but am as usual lacking the time to do it in. Pretty much, I feel like I am failing at everything, and I am not writing this to throw my own pitty party. I just remain feeling overwhelmed with my job and all the stresses it gives me. More than I care to share here and I don't think this is the appropriate place to air out that type of laundry. But, fact is my job is beyond stressful and I have times where I tend to break under the pressure of it all. Maybe day trading is an option.

If you feel like your failing, then probably your home life is in the dumper too. Seriously, Scott does not get enough props especially from me for the shit I put him through. Pretty much I get to see about 3 hours of him each day, 1 1/2 of these hours also are with the kid around so you can see that most of that time is devoted to the kid cause you don't want to fuck them up because you have not had enough time in your life to dedicate to them so who suffers? Of course your spouse. Pretty much we talk more on the phone day to day than probably in person because Scott is great at giving me down time after we get Syd to bed. So then I am off to walk, do yoga or watch mindless tv to give myself a mental rest. No waxing poetic over musings of the day. Yes, I know we need to reconnect but I am sorry, exactly when does that fit into our schedules? Yeah right how is 2018? I think we can pencil something in.

So, Scott calls me this weekend and drops a bombshell on me. Seems a family member in our family is pregnant. A young family member that we all wished would not have taken this path in their young life but alas they have chosen to play adult games and then get the adult prizes that you win if you play these games. So, pretty much on Sunday it blew my mind. I feel sorry for the kid, angry too, but we still love them. So, I am trying to gather things up to send to the soon to be baby and new mommy. Do I approve, no but is it my place to pass judgement, no, but I will in my own mind I know. I don't really know how to deal with this, but I guess I have worked through the shock. I want to slap the crap out of the kids that have done this to their lives and tell them you have not a clue how much your life is going to change. That I at 36 still don't think I can do this job of parenthood most days. Maybe the key is to have kids when you are so young that you don't know any better and you don't stress about all the crap in life?! Maybe that is the way your supposed to do this?! Yeah, I am still working through this one.

The month of June cannot arrive fast enough. Kimmers is coming to visit in May for a family obligation but I get to reap the bennies of her and her family staying with us. As Steve would say, WOOT! Anyway, in June Kimmer's is coming back for a long weekend and we are going to have a girls weekend. And to top it all off we are going to see The Police, yeah I know you SO want to be us. Sure Sting will not be throwing his tantric knowing sweat all over me but I will be in the same building jamming to some great toons and having fun with my best friend. What more can a girl ask for?

Syd is great, well this minute she is, but in another minute she could have morphed into freak kid and be having a fit beyond belief. She is GREAT at fits, really if you need someone to train in fits I only charge $ 250.00 for the first hour and then $ 150.00 for each additional hour and it is a one hour minimum please. She is VERY independent which is GREAT, but it does not fit into my morning because really I do not have 30 freaking minutes in the morning to dedicate to potty time. Seriously this is how it goes: Mommy takes of the diaper and tells her to go potty, I have stripped her of all her clothes this way I don't have to try and do this later, see always thinking! Syd has to go and get her potty stool, (no you crazy bastard you CANNOT do it for her) and she has to open the door herself to the potty. Do not try and turn on the light for her, she must do this too. Then she has to get on the potty, yes this takes about 3 minutes of jacking around. And we sit on the potty and have to smile and be silly and tell mommy "Mommy I tee-tee!" And so Mommy says lets wipe and she has to get 5000 yards of toilet paper to wipe. I roll up what is not needed and she has to wipe and I then have clean up detail. Then we have to get off the potty and back on the stool then get off the stool and then go over to flush. And of course we flush about 7 times. And then we have to put the lid down "real soft" because I just about had a nervous breakdown every time she would drop the damn thing. So then we have to get our stool, take it to the sink, go back turn off the light and close the door to the potty. We then get on the stool get the soap and take 4 minutes to get soap out of the container mind you we have enough in our hands to wash an elephant. I have to turn on the water and we begin to rub our hands with soap. And we rub but have not put them in the water and while we are rubbing our hands together we have to make faces in the mirror at our self and shake our head back and forth. Not focusing on washing our hands. I can finally get her to wash the soap off but DO NOT GRAB THE HANDS AND PUT THEM UNDER THE WATER! I can after 5 minutes of rinsing get her hands and make sure all the soap is off. The I can give her the towel and let her dry her hands. Then I have to clean up the soap spill and bubbles that overflow from the sink from all the damn soap and water we have used for two small 2 yr old hands.

Now we can start getting dressed for school. I promise you, if you think grabbing her and doing it for her makes it faster, you do NOT have kids. So, I am going to go home now and start the morning when I get home. Hopefully by 6:45 tomorrow morning she will be done with potty time in the morning and we can start our day off nice and early.

10 inches of love

Yeah get your mind out of the gutter. Thursday and Friday of last week I took off to go on a short trip with my parents and Syd to Louisiana. My Grandmother and Uncle along with his kiddos live there. It was a nice break from work and gave Scott a weekend to do boy stuff. (I.E. miss us terribly and count the seconds till we arrive home.)

Anyway, on Thursday before we left for our road trip I took the morning for a little 'me' time. I went to Starbucks and sat in the big comfy chair and drank my coffee and read the paper from front to back and lounged around thinking, boy this is great. And during this time I also answered 5 work e-mails and spent 25 min on the phone taking care of issues with work. But well I was not in the office!!! I left Starbucks and was on my way to Kroger to get some trashy magazines to read on the trip and was stopped by a sign on a window that says "Locks of Love." Mind you it is not even 9 am when the Fantastic Sam's opens but the two hairstylist come walking from Starbucks and tell me I can come right in. I am still debating but they ask, are you wanting to donate your hair. I had been thinking about it for some months and decided yes I did. So 10" of my hair was cut off and is now being sent to make a wig for someone that is being treated for Cancer. I did this for 2 reasons, one it is Lent and I believe that I should sacrifice something during Lent. It is just the way I believe. And second, my Grandmother that we were going to see has just finished her chemo treatment for breast cancer and her hair is just about 1/2 inch longer than Scott's shaved head. So, I felt it was a minor sacrifice for me in relation to the people I love and worship in regards to what they have done for me in my life.

Fantastic Sam's may not be the high dollar hair cutting place around but I have to say the kindness of the ladies that were working that day and the pure joy they got out of my donation made it a great experience and my new hairstyle looks great. I think it is one of the best cuts I have had in years.