Here and then they are gone

You have to recall your blogger password in order to post...duh! SO maybe that is why it has taken me years to get back to blogging, or maybe it is because I feel so out of control due to everything around me that I need it?! I mean with FB and all who blogs anymore? Maybe I need to...

I went back and read the last post that I wrote, WOW, that was over a year old. Last time I wrote Haley was still here. Haley died last year. She lost her very brave battle with cancer. She got to have her Disney trip to Walt Disney World, and was a Princess in the kingdom that dreams do come true! The photos of her are amazing, the loss was devistating, something that even today will knock me to my knees. I pray for Kristin and Richard for comfort in the loss of Haley, because as a parent I just cannot imagine the pain that they must feel. I feel so much guilt complaining about the day to day problems I have with Syd and what we deal with. Knowing that in a heartbeat they would trade places. I should be grateful for what I do have. Be gracious, be gracious, be gracious!

Sydney is 5, wow, it seemed we were just turning 1 months ago. She has grown into this "person" with opinions and ideas that crack me up, but she still has the will of an army. So we try new tactics to get our point across, I am sure there are many videos of me in the local Wal-Mart beating some ass of Syd because she refuses to follow the rules. Yes, that would be me, I am that woman. Nothing makes me feel like a failure more than my 5 yr old!!! Sunday I was an "ugly monster." I am thinking of getting business cards that state that as my title. I am told by others that she is "wonderful, and so polite, and such a joy." These are not the key words I would pick when I would have to describe what I feel about her at times. More like, trying and head strong, and makes momma want to drink...yowza!

Sex toy parties STILL rock the house! I have decided that I cannot do it all, no matter what I want to tell myself, so Tastefully Simple has ended it career with me this year. I was sad/happy to see it go. I still love the prodcuts but as for the show part of it, I was done and over that long ago. I love my FYP parties like you would not believe and I get so much more out of them overall. It is hard to explain but I know that I still love it and I have to do what is right for me right now. That is all that I have at this moment.

Fell off the bloggin train

I know it has been awhile but did not realize it has been THAT long. WOW. I wish I could say nothing much has happened, I know a lot has. But to sum it all up I truly cannot remember what has or has not transpired. Work is work, Syd amazing, each day she finds more amazing ways to test my ability to remain sane. I often question my ability to raise a responsible human with all of the curve balls she throws me. She tests and tests my patients and I know that this is her way to see what exactly she can get away with. It would be easier to say I give up, but I a) am not a quitter, b) she will not win, c) I am stubborn, d) what I say goes, e) I guess I like torture?

Each day I begin the day and seriously cringe because I don't know what I will be waking up. Why a college educated woman like myself thinks this way, I have not a clue. And if you are thinking "When I have kids, this will not happen to me." Let me tell you, I said the same damn thing. I had this shit all planned out and I wasn't going to let some little person run my world. Just you wait. They will throw your world upside down. Many times Scott and I sit back and wonder, how a trip just to the store could have been derailed and never taken place because she chose not to do one simple task like put on your coat or wash your hands. And seriously all hell breaks loose. We live by, we say it it must be done. And trust me, if you don't follow through on these small tiny things, they become huge issues when it comes to not listening.

On to happier notes. My wishes for this Christmas have already come true! How great is that?! I have had a friend who her husband had lost his job months ago and he got a job this week! I made out a list a few weeks ago of what I wanted for Christmas and the two things I listed were job for Chad and renewed health for Kimmer's husband. Seems that Kim's husband's levels are on the rise as well. I am putting on my list that Haley receive healing too, she is struggling with her cancer again. There is talk of her possibly going to St. Jude. Seems that Cooks Childrens in Ft. Worth is not able to do much else for her. She will be going on her Make a Wish trip shortly after the New Year and we are all very excited for her to go to Disney World! Please keep praying for her and her family!

Merry Christmas, blessings of goodwill to all and health and happiness for 2009.

Things that I have to comment on

1.) Clay Aiken reveals that he is gay. Who JUST got this memo? Now because he has a child he cannot raise his child to lie and hide. So now he comes out, he is gay. Great Clay, bravo, guess what, we already knew.

2.) We recently got a letter from our HOA. We mind out VOTED for our HOA, we moved into our neighborhood before our HOA was established fully and was still under the control of the builder. Long story, redundant, stupid, but anyway, we got a letter a few weeks ago about our shed that was built two weeks after we moved into our house, almost 3 years ago. Before the HOA was put into place. Yes, you are reading that correctly. And the opening line of the letter is "The HOA Board has noticed you have constructed a shed on your property." Yeah, long before you were around fuckers. So, I have till October 31, 2008 to have my pre-existing shed approved by the HOA Board with PLANS and PHOTOS, or I will be fined $500.00 for not obtaining prior approval for construction projects. Who do I get prior approval from? Mind you the shingles on the damn shed were given to us by the freaking home builder so they would match our house, and we spoke to the warranty specialist of our subdivision about our shed, and utilized the specs provided in our HOA guidelines that were provided when we moved into the subdivision. BUT, since this time our home builder has since fired/laid off these former employees so I cannot obtain statements from these former employees in my "defense." So I have to write up a submission in regards to my freaking shed that houses my lawnmower and other home ownership needed items that I would not want to have thrown all around the yard and make it look trashy, that would be in violation of the HOA regulations! Heaven forbid you have a SHED! Or one built without prior approval, I understand their purpose, but why not have someone go around and ask the homeowners go door to door. They have done this before in regards to other issues....instead, I had to go to the dang post office and pick up a certified letter that cost over $5.00 to mail and waste time doing this pantie waste dog and pony show over a freaking shed....that they obviously looked over our fence to see.

3.) Grey's starts tonight. I can hardly wait. I am excited, stoked and ready for another year of Grey's. That damn writers strike last year really kicked the shit out of the TV viewing season for all of my shows! So I am ready for a full season of shows. No half assed season of 7 episodes and then seeing the same seven over and over and over again that I wanted to PUKE! Also, I must tout the greatness of The Office, I swear that show is freaking hilarious. The stupidity of that show just about sums up some of what I work with from time to time. And I am not lying. If I had a penny for every time I had someone question how the fax machine worked, I would be a rich woman. The statement did come out of someones mouth that "I don't know how to work that high-tech equipment" yeah it is REALLY high tech, because you cannot understand the concept of a flashing light telling you that the fax is going through. And if it does not flash it will print out the cover sheet and tell you FAILED, it is REALLY HIGH TECH!!! Or your a really big DUMB ASS. I vote the latter of the two, now get off of my island. Oh sorry wrong show.

4.) I have a party tomorrow night. Let's just say, it shall probably be one of the most interesting ones I do. And the group rhymes with ringers.

I sell it, it rocks, you want it, MY party hostesses get it for $29.00, it retails for $69.00...

Better, Tired, and motivated

I am doing better, working hard on myself and focusing on the positive and staying centered on what really matters most in my life. I am exhausted. We had our yearly vacation in FL with the family from NY and MD, is that the abbreviation for Maryland? It was nice to get away, next year I think I am opting to go sans child. Sydney was challenging? I think that would be a nice way to put it, three is ummm well hell. I hate three. I despise three, I would take two all over again to not have three. I feel lost of what to do with three. She is into doing what she wants to hurt you when you are putting her into time out. Yeah sounds fun, like scratching or hitting you with her head or kicking, I just love it, I just love looking like the ass with the child that runs the show. I don't know what to do, I stand my ground but inside but what the hell. Spanking does not seem to work because all I am doing is showing her that her hurting me makes me hurt her back. And then this noise she makes when you tell her something she does not want to hear she does this "ehh" sound and it just grates on my nerves, so we do the soap in the mouth, and that is not even working now. I am at a loss. I am going to have to get a book and figure this one out. ANY suggestion would be appreciated, I thought I would be good at this kid thing....ugh! I don't and won't have this bratty kid if that is the case we will stay locked in our home because I will not take her ass out into public and allow people to witness this behavior.

I took my first ever trip to Las Vegas last week and returned on Monday. It was for my For Your Pleasure business. It was fantastic. I had a blast. Vegas was fantastic, of course I didn't get to see everything I wanted to I knew I wouldn't but I did get to see a nice portion. I learned a lot and met some fantastic people. Bonded with the group of women from my area, cannot wait to apply what I learned into my business and next year Scott is going with me!! One thing I learned about Vegas, you never know what time it is, I lost total track of time. I don't know if it was because I had flown in from FL on Wednesday night and then Thursday afternoon I flew to Vegas. Our meetings started that night at 6 PM and we did not stop until Sunday at midnight. I am still trying to recover. 2-3 hours of sleep were about average because you are in VEGAS!!! Nobody sleeps in Vegas, that is what work is for!

The SUPER BONUS JACKPOT I hit before I even got on the plane to go to Vegas we that Kim an her family came in the day we came back from vacation and I got about 2 hours to spend with her before I flew out again. It was great. Just a few hours her and I chatting, and getting to see one another for a bit. She got to go with me to take Syd to school, Syd played shy, before we got there Syd talked all about her and then clammed right up. Kids gotta love them.

Having a big D in the big D

I just love that commercial on TV that says "depression hurts." It makes me want to throw the TV out of the window. No depression does not hurt, it can cripple you, it can make you not want to speak, move, eat, sleep, wake-up, walk, blink, live, die, care, hope, dream, want, dress, wash, or anything one might want or have to do during the day. I have had bouts of depression in the past. But I have to say that the past four weeks have pretty much been the lowest pit that I have been in. So low that I have pretty much cut myself off from the world. My friends, my family, my co-workers, everyone. I would do what little I had to do each day to get by and the remainder I would just be. I shut down, hard. I am better, now, not out of my pit but I am talking again and that is 100% better than where I was at. I am by nature a talker, I will talk to anyone and anything, and I clammed up, I would not talk to anyone. I could not talk to anyone, I was afraid if I started to talk that I would lose it and not be able to gain control of myself. I don't like loss of control. That does not make me feel comfortable. A million of things hit me at once, that is life I know, but my inability to handle them and try to adjust as needed has taken its toll on me and I know that I needed help.

So, I called my doctor and I am back into my therapy, where I need to be and with some other medical adjustments I will pull myself out of my pit. Work is work, it is always a struggle. Life can get tricky at times, we have had our ups and downs recently. I don't cope well with things that hit me out of the blue. I have had some struggles and trying to adjust to a few bumps in the road has been hard.

I know I will pull out of this, but it has been hard. To just put forth the effort to even try and write about it was too much. I didn't even care to do that. It wasn't worth it, yet. But I am getting there.

He Will Know Why

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