Where to begin

The past few days at work have been even more unbelievable than the past few months. The final comment made by my boss on Thursday before he left the office was made to me, he came in and closed the door sat down and said to me: "If something around here does not change, I am going to sell this Mother fucking place and fuck over a lot of people." Followed by, "I keep watching people around here being fat, dumb, and happy, and I am sick and tired of it." Many other things were said. I am to whipped to even try and type it all. He left the office and has yet to return. With a comment like gonna sell this mother fucker and fuck a lot of people over, really makes you want to give it that 110%, don't you think? All of the problems he is addressing, none of them pertain to my area of management. In fact my area of the company kicks so much fucking ass, that area has not run more smoothly in the past 12 years since I have been with the company. It is frightening at times because I love the people I work with and this has not always been the case. My employees make me look good, and damn it, I enjoy that.

What does all this boil down to? Money. My boss has some bank. Like most business owners. But right before 9-11 things were getting tight. Money was being spent like it was in the previous golden years. In order to keep up with the trend of lower revenue the spending started to take its toll. Because the spending did not adjust to the revenue decrease. Someone, being my boss thought he could continue the spendthrift ways even though the dollars were not flowing in like before. The company had a strong history of being financially strong, and because of this many lines of credit and bills were let to go too far because the money was just not there like it was in the past. Right before things got really bad, I left for my corporate job in Dallas. I was there for about 1 year and 3 months before I was approached again by the company and asked to come back. In a different role, the one I had wanted while I was there. I did not need the job, I had a job, the ball was in my court. So, I told the owner I would come in and meet with him. But I told him right out, "I don't think you can afford me." He said, "Maybe not, but lets talk." The meeting was set, I would go that Monday and meet with him. That Friday when I got home from work, (I swear things happen for a damn reason) in the mail I got my diploma. My long and hard work the damn piece of paper I was told I would never get arrived in the mail. I sat down and sobbed. I pondered my meeting on Monday and told Scott, lets use this as a fantasy. Lets write down things that are so outlandish that they will never concede to. I edited my wants and needs all weekend. I wanted them to say no. When I left to go to the meeting, Scott said your offer is pretty ballsy. My Daddy raised me to be that way, was all that I could think. I really wanted them to say no, I did not really want to come back. And for some reason, they said yes plus with a few more added things I tacked on while we were talking. We wrote them down, submitted them to an attorney because I am getting this fucking thing in writing legally and I walked back in the door. The day before I went back, I found out Scott and I were pregnant. Funny that also was part of my offer. Damn, I still and floored at how good I came out.

But along with this wonderful deal, I catch a lot of shit. Sometimes more than my fair share. Many, many times I know I act more like the owner than the owner does. Many many times I am unable to sleep because of work worries and woes. In fact the past few days and nights have not been very pleasant for me, nor do I think for my family. If I do something, I do it beyond the measure it should be done. I know no other way to work. Yeah, I am extremely arrogant about the job I have done and do each day. And I know many people within the company as well as other colleagues that would agree with this. But at some point you cannot keep going at this pace without breaking down. After the uplifting 'talk' my boss had with me, I mentally and physically broke.

Yesterday came, I walked back in the door even though I was struggling not to run as far as my car would take me. And I started my day again. Obviously me taking down my diploma on Thursday made a few people, (the bosses wife) think I was quitting. She confronted me about it and I told her I am not a quitter. But I cannot and will not be the one he decides to come dump on when what he is mad about has not a damn thing to do with me and the job I do. I told her the plain facts that I have put my job before my family on too many occasions to be unappreciated and treated like a punching bag. That their are MANY and I mean more than my share of nights that I get home from work just in time to put Sydney in BED. I thank God that Scott's hours are as such so he can catch the slack that I leave behind. I am not the typical Mom who works, am a woman in a mans industry and I work harder to prove my salt everyday. And fuck you if you think I don't have to, I do I see it everyday and hear it even more. Once you get to know me and listen to me talk about my job, you know I know my shit. I am not allowed to show weakness in my job. If I do I lose all my credibility in my industry.

So, what exactly to say now besides FUCK. Nothing really. Just that I guess I need to reevaluate what I give and maybe take a bit more time for me? Yeah, I am going to try. Needless to say, my boss left on Thursday and will maybe be back on Monday. Seems things got too much for him, nothing that a little alligator hunting will not cure. Unlike myself, I do not run away when the stress gets to much. Maybe this is me being petty and small, but I hold my nuts up and come back day after day. Knowing that if I am able to come back, they have not beaten me yet.

OK Real Quick...

After a day of shopping and none of this took part in Wal-Mart, I got my Chicken Poop, recommended by Kim my BFF and go HERE to check it out. I love it, if you need something beyond chapstick this is the shit...haha! It contains no poop but it is really great. SO, a day of shopping and I must admit I bought stuff for me, my work wardrobe is pretty sad. Seeing that I can just wear jeans and a nice shirt, the shirt factor was getting pretty boring and I was tired of wearing the same five over and over. So I spent some money on me..it was good but the guilt is still there. I came home and Scott bought me another one cup coffee maker since the last one crapped out on me recently and decided like every third use to release all the water on the counter and not into the mug...yeah it got tossed after Scott tried to take it apart...

Anyway, I got home, Syd crashed on the way home, came up to do a bit of Internet browsing and got my Classmates.com update e-mail. Hell I had time so I went over, had not been there in awhile. My conclusion on this, the high school I graduated from here in Texas, we had the highest enrollment of Gomer Pyles. One guy, and I am seriously not kidding thought we all would be intrested in seeing photos of his Rebel Flag that he has hung in is BIG RIG. Yep. Not fucking kidding you. And one photo of him, shows a nicely grown beard with a damn trucker cap on his head where the bill is so creased that it looks like a freaking duck bill and the caption below his photo is Rough and Ready....yeah, I am just so waiting for the next reunion....

And I wonder why my one friend that moved to Cali a few years after graduation told me recently she has no urge to come back...really? I wonder why? You think some people would out grow the look of white trash, well let me tell you, nope it is like stink on a monkey, it just stays there....if you don't believe me, ask and I will give you the name of the high school for you to check out. What a site or would this be sight?

YEEEE HAAAAA!!!

Rough and Ready?!!!

Zoom - Best of the 70's

Could you speak Ubby-Dubby? For some reason when I was little I could...

OK admit it, you will be singing this all day long...

The Ladybugs Picnic

I loved this when I was little and I now sing it to Syd, funny how things never leave, they just get filed away for another time...

Pink Cowboy Boots

The cutest thing I have seen in a long time...

Ya thought you should wear that out in public?

Yesterday I made another one of my many millon trips to Wal-Mart. If I am ever lost, check Wal-Mart. And I saw not one but two people not shopping together that had on slippers, not the fuzzy ones that for some God forsaken reason people have taken to wearing these out, but the old slippers like this.

I guess the real kicker about this, is that one of these people was a man, but I guess he felt his slipper wearin was OK because he had on a sports team name across the top of the slipper. Uhh, buddy, I don't think so. And the most annoying thing about this, he could not pick up his feet, and he was on every freaking isle I was on and I had to hear the slip slipping of his damn slippers up and down the isles. Slipppp, slipppp, slippp, slippp. I think you get the picture.

Well, it is Friday and the whipping of football has already started. Not only is it in my house, but the town we live in just opened a new high school stadium tonight. We are about 2 miles away from it and you can see the press box from our backyard, and hear the play-by-play. I went out to flip some burgers on the grill and I heard that someone made a first down...

The hillarous thing about this, in our old house we lived right across the street from a high school and we could not hear the game on Friday nights because the stadium is about 1/4 the size of this mega stadium they bulit here. Mind you the high school we lived across the street from was miniscule compaired to the district we live in now that has 3 soon to be 4 high schools. And we live in Texas and along with our Dr. Pepper the state beverage they love them some football in these there parts.

ARE YOU READY FOR AN ASS WHIP?

This is my new motto until February when fucking football is O-V-E-R! At noon Scott pushed the dogs out of the way, crushed Sydney, as she flew across the floor, so he could run down stairs to plant himself in front of the television. The clock hit noon and he said, "And so it begins!" Seriously, he did not push dogs or fling Syd to the side, she was in bed taking a nap and the dogs were not around at the time. But watch out, if they were preventing him from getting his front row seat, this could be true.

In just a few, I am loading Sydney up into the car and going to begin my programming for the demise of football. Let the brain washing begin. Telling her to boo every time she hears the music that means the ass whip will begin.

I have been known to attend a football party...just for the food. NOT for the game. I just, hate it, I don't know why. Baseball is a snore to me, but I can tolerate it, but football, it is the equivalent to Scott's hate of "Bridezillas." I even will take golf over football.

No instead of brainwashing I am taking her and my Mom to this. The food event I was trying to take the afternoons off for was to judge this competition. I did get one afternoon to judge the items, and it was a lot of fun. I have to admit even my tolerance for hot food was challenged at this judging. It was crazy, we would be doing hot salsas and once your mouth was set a blaze it was hard to judge the next item due to trying to get control of the heat factor. The day I got there was the last afternoon of judging and they had run out of whipped cream, that is what you use to off-set the heat factor. So it was milk, which I have not had any of in 30 years, tea, or water. They gave us cheese and fruit too and that did help. But once you were lit it was hard to keep going. I think the strangest thing we had was chili vodka, yeah, I passed on that one.

Well, she is awake and it is time to shove off and being my mantra of WE HATE FOOTBALL!!!! My one wish for the day, may the Cowboys get their ass handed to them.....hate the Cowboys more than football....

Strange weekend

This past weekend marked the one year mark of Bonnie's death. To some extent I have been watching the days go by and kept thinking it is coming and what will it be like for me. The anger I felt the week after her funeral and have been carrying for the past 12 months I can finally say is gone. Not sure if I have ever said blogwise what I discovered the week after she was killed but, I found that she was stealing from the company. I was also her boss. If this discovery was made and she had not died, I would have had to terminate her. My grief was so stunned and I don't think I was ever able to get through all of my feelings. Gee, it sounds so damn silly, working through my feelings... On Tuesday on my way home from work, I had to run a few errands. I was in the area of the cemetery and I went to her grave. I finally was able to say in spite of all that was discovered I still miss her and miss her friendship. This is big for me. On the way home crying, talking to Scott I told him, even if circumstances were different and I had to fire her and she never talked to me again, I still would rather that be the case than her to be gone.

On another strange and beyond freaky occurrence and I swear this happened and I am so glad Scott was there to witness this. At 1:30 am on Monday our home phone rang. Just about 1 1/2 hours earlier that last year when I got the call that Bonnie had been killed. I woke up and though no, no way please not again. It was some freaking wrong number and I am so damn glad of that, but I swear it was fucking weird. Scott says maybe it is Bonnie trying to talk to me or something. And the way I believe I think he might be right. And now I can see if she was she would have to do it at a strange time, so I would know.

I do still miss her, but now I am able to speak about her and remember the good things about her. A year helps the anger fade but the loss, it is still there.

Kim sent me the most amazing present ever. It is a necklace that has a photo of Sydney in it, not a locket but a necklace that the focal point is her photo. It has a charm next to the photo on another chain of a heart. It brought me to tears, not too hard to do but it was just wonderful. But the most amazing thing to me is that she remembered what a hard time this weekend might bring upon me. And her e-mails from her telling me that she is thinking of me and praying for me, just touches my heart so deeply. I am such a lucky person to have Her.

Well, coffee is done, I have about 15 min before I have to get ready for work....better run. Folgers is calling.