Things I don't understand

When did being mediocre become acceptable? I never saw myself as an over achiever, perfectionist, anal or any of those other words you use to describe someone who is driven and does not accept it to be "just that way." I mentioned this once in therapy and my therapist looked at me and told me I am the extreme of being a perfectionist. My answer to that is, No, my house is a wreck, I hate to clean, my car can get trashed in a moments notice, my desk is a bomb at work and I seem to live in chaos. Then she pointed out to me that I will not give up on a task, I will let it demand much more of my time and energy than humanly necessary and I will not allow it to break me. I must conquer all. I still had to laugh. At the time, I still had not completed my degree, just because I developed an intense fear of failure yet again. How can a perfectionist allow failure in life? Now, looking back, I do admit yes I tend to be a perfectionist in CERTAIN aspects of my life. Others, are still in complete shamble. But, my point being, when did just settling become acceptable. I had a fantastic conversation with a friend of mine yesterday on the way home. We were talking about how we in our jobs strive to do the best job possible. To remain driven that servicing the customer is the ultimate goal, if someone drops the ball, we will pick it up and run with it to complete the job. Thus, instilling others we work with the ability, (I really don't think that is the right word) to just do a shitty lameass job. How can you be satisfied in your work by knowing that you did the lazy way, that you could have done better but, because it took time away from your personal phone calls and personal enjoyment that you settled with the job half done. Mind you, you are getting paid to WORK, not talk on the phone, ect. People that perform like this drive me nuts.

In my last job before coming back to work with my current employer, in my one and only review I had with them, it was stated to me that I had a problem understanding that not everyone would work to the potential that I worked to. I am still trying to process this statement. Mind you, I do not feel that I do any "better" job than anyone else, I do the work, I do the steps it takes to make sure it is correct. I take pride in my work, I do my job. This meaning that I work to a higher caliber than others. I think that is bullshit, I do the job that is all. And at times does it require me to do a bit extra, yes, do I like it, no not really, but it is part of the job so therefore, you do it.

Maybe it is a lack of people wanting to take initiative in getting a job done. Maybe it is a pride thing? I just don't know, but when did we become a society that was satisfied with average work? I made a statement in my conversation with my friend that, imagine if everyone in the U.S. worked with the drive and determination and satisfaction that she and I have for our jobs, imagine the type of society we would live in. What great things we might accomplish as a country. Might we be as advanced in testing scores as other countries? Might the skills and knowledge our children have exceed where we are now? Just makes me wonder.

I see things in our world, where we are presenting a false sense of reality. Making things equal across the board. Teaching children that everyone is a winner. Is that reality? I admit children are fragile beings and I would hope and pray I am able to impart balance in Sydney's life. That she learns that at times, we are not always the best, that it requires work and that anything that comes easy is not as satisfactory as things that you work hard for.

Thus, bringing me to another point of my blogging today. Self check out lines. Mind you I love the self check out line, it allows me to get in, and out and not have to deal with anyone. Fantastic concept, especially after work when the last thing I want to do is to talk to someone. That is my down time. BUT, this concept as great as it is for the consumer, why exactly are we doing the jobs of the employees of the store? Does allowing the consumer to scan and bag there own groceries drive the overall cost of the products down? I have not seen a shift in my bill. I will say that one time while at Albertson's when I chose to do the shop and scan, I did get 5% off of my bill because I did. But, this was a random thing. A hit and miss type thing, has not happened since. Remember when you would shop and the checker would take the groceries out of the cart for you?! Do these modern conveniences make us lazy? Does it help breed mediocrity?

Ponder, ponder, ponder! Just makes me think.

The question I never answered

Yesterday was my first therapy appointment. It went very well, can therapy go well? I feel better so that is good. Yesterday at work was the first day in over a month since all hell broke lose that I felt that I was on top of things again. I know that something will pop its ugly head up here and there and I will just deal with it then. Many things were pointed out to me during my 60 min. of non-stop talking yesterday. First, my therapist gave me a list of things I must do. Things that will help me cope with shit as it comes my way. So here is my list:

1. Watch what you think ou can guide thoughts.
2. Feelings just come and they are just feelings. (she underlined just)
3. Stay in the present.
4. You can solve all of tomorrows problems tomorrow, not today.
5. Take the Xanax so you don't get afraid of being afraid.
6. Grief takes energy, and it just comes at odd times.
7. Make lists for Scott.

Sounds like a lot of what the fuck is she talking about, right? It does mean a lot to me so I guess that is what really matters. The one thing that really stood out yesterday is that she says, and it makes a lot of sense, but I do not deal well at all with sudden tragic events. Not that anyone really would. But it all stems back from some tragic things that happened in my life before. It seems that when sudden tragic events happen I tend to go into overload. Anxiety, loss of sleep, lack of eating if any at all. I pretty much get so wrapped up in my anxiety that then I get anxious about the anxiety and it is all one fucked up circle. This seems to be a typical thing for me. Plus when traumatic events occur it seems to bring up past feelings and can send me into a tail spin. It makes perfect sense to me, but I am the goofed up one.

She asked me a question, how do I relax or unwind. I could not answer that question. I guess by sleeping or by watching television. I did have the massage a few weeks ago that was great. But I don't have a "relaxation" plan per-se. I guess I better try to come up with something. The thing I love the most about my therapy is that she brings reality to the forefront for me. Mind you my husband can say the same thing, but for some damn reason when she tells me this, it makes sense, or more like she gets me to come to that way of thinking that I can see the obvious. This new house thing has me freaked beyond belief. She told me I have a great ability to really lay it on myself...I aim to be an overachiver in everything you know! And she asked what would be the worst thing about the new house. The worse thing would be we would move in and not be able to afford it and we would have to sell it and move. That is all doable if that does happen. It would suck but it would not be the end of the world. The numbers work, why can't I just go with it? The fear, the fear of the unknown could really kill me. Therefore, see #4 on the list. I was also told that 90% of what people worry about never even comes true. So why put forth the energy to worry about it? I kid you not, when I wake up in the morning and I feel fine not worried or stressed, I ask myself...I am DEAD serious here, "What am I supposed to be worrying about again?" Then it will come to me and I can go along with my day. It is so damn stupid! I guess you get into the habit of worry an anxiety that it becomes a way of life and trying to function without it is foreign.

I have come to the conclusion, we are all screwed up in the head to some extent. Just the smart ones of us go seek help when we get too freaked out. I am not done with my therapy, but I do feel better.

On happier notes, Syd's top two teeth finally came through, now she grinds them together and they make this God awful sound. It really freaks me out, I wish she would stop. Yesterday was the first day we got to hear this new sound. Please quit, you are freaking your Mommy out with that freakish noise. The realtor comes out tomorrow to look at our house, I have no idea what this is going to be like. My parents come home again on Saturday, I am so happy for that. My Mom did tell me yesterday that she thinks the new house is a good thing, (Thanks Martha Jr.)for us, and that in the end it will all be worth it. That speaks volumes to me, my Mom is the most level headed person I know and does not do risky things.

So, overall things must be getting better, this is the first time in a l-o-n-g time I have taken time out of my work day to blog. I know not really the best example of a boss, but I eat lunch at my desk and I take work home, so if I blog at my desk I have earned the right. Plus, they cannot see what I am doing. If they did come in, I would minimize it anyway!!

Tonight is TV wonderland for me, so I have that to enjoy!! Plus ol' grindy teeth will have tons of smiles to offer. And her Daddy, he drives me batty, but he loves me.

Please sign here, initial here, here and oh yes here too.

I have a tendency to do things, drastic things when my support team, my parents are not around. They left again this week to go back to Cali to work on the project know as "Grandparents house gone wrong." Hence forth this would be the BEST time for me to decide that we should move. Not really me deciding this but the thought has been around for a few months well year lets say, and seeing how I am sitting in my living room surrounded by a mountain of toys because we have no playroom, and we really are busting at the seams. Last weekend we drove around and looked at some communities that we had considered last year when I was pregnant and not willing to do anything. Most of these prospects have sold out and are now not an option. My parents looked at one community that they really liked. I loved one of the floor plans, but just felt it was too much $$. You know, just don't think we are there yet. Well, Wednesday of this past week, my dear husband speaks of this community. I tell him, oh yes I know what you are talking about, I have been there. So, we then drive by, walked in, look, talk, and leave. We mull it over, I compute things in my head. Freak out. We make a few calls, talk to a realtor, we have a house we will have to sell. I compute more numbers, freak out again. Friday comes, I make more calls, get more numbers, higher than what I ever thought, really freak out. And today we go in and BAM! We are buying a new house. We have to sell this one mind you, but we are buying a new house. Next April we will be living in a new home. I have to put my house on the market in about 2 weeks. I am fucking crazy. Insane is more like it. I have spoken with my Mom, numerous times, she is so calm. Just keeps telling me if it feels right then it probably is. My Dad tells me today, I wish you would have waited a few weeks until we were home to do this. I so do too Dad, but the prices go up tomorrow and seeing that we will be eating beans and weenies until Sydney goes to college now, I had to make a pretty quick decision. I have Excel spreadsheeted my past two days to DEATH. I have run the numbers over and over. They do work, it is just going to require all involved to curb unnecessary spending for a year or two or 30. Deep down I know it will all work out. It is either move to this area and allow our daughter to attend the 5th top school district in the state of Texas or we send her to private school because where we live now, the schools suck. It is about a 10 mile move for us, my parents will be moving into this area someday, they have the land just no floor plan yet or plan period. It makes the most sense for us as a family, it just scares the utter hell out of me.

I just hope someday when Syd is a teenager, when she is giving me hell, I will tell her, I lost sleep, and lost weight, and lost hair and gained grey ones because I wanted to give her the best in life. I made that promise when I found out we were pregnant. Of course she will scream, she could give a rats ass. Oh well, it is for her, really. It is the best I can offer. And I do it out of love.

Watch out I bite

Sydney has been teething with the top two teeth in the front. You know the ones that come in after the first two on the bottom. This week she has turned into the temper monster. I have no clue where her temper comes from because I am a calm rational individual. It must be from her father. (Just leave it alone there Scott) O.K., O.K. she get is from me. I tend to view it as an attribute, until on the receiving end of said temper. She has started to protest when we do ANYTHING she does not want to do. And her new trick is when she gets mad and she is fussy she will shove her hand in her mouth and bite it. I REALLY don't know where she got that from. It is so freaking weird! I just watch in amazement when she does it. Mind you besides not letting her play in the mini-blinds, we also abuse her by cleaning her off after she eats. The way she pitches a fit for that, you would think we were pulling her fingers off one by one. I guess it is the sand paper that we are using to wipe her face that makes her so upset. Go figure!

This week I had just picked her up off of the changing table and she for some reason was upset about something else I did or did not let her do, I am losing count. I was handing her over to her Daddy, and I kid you not she is lunging towards him with her mouth wide open ready to bite off any part of his body that might be within range. I just looked at him as I handed her over and said, watch out looks like she wants to now bite you. Freak baby! I am guessing that her mouth hurts and in turn when she gets upset she wants to release her anger, stress, pain, or all three by biting. I am trying to think this through and to figure out why we might be wanting to bite. We are not biting at school or anyone else, she did lunge at Daddy again last night. But no contact biting has happened accept to her own hand. So. I keep the teething tablet supply up in our house and keep the tylenol handy as well. Plus we are chewing on our teething rings, and cold hard fruit in our mesh bag. Hopefully this will pass.

Her other new trick is whenever you have to touch her nose to clean it out or spray saline in it, she does the hand motions to Patty-Cake, she does the roll it up roll it up part to get us away from her face. It is very funny. The screaming and crying that goes along with it, not so funny. We are on a spitting kick this week too. I am starting to think that when we start to spit while being fed this should be translated into "I'm full." That is what I am thinking, but who really knows. I crack up, she will protest a lot of stuff, and I just look at her and tell her "Your O.K." I don't think she likes that. Don't get me wrong, if she is really hurt or upset I will hold her and console her, but she is so damn DRAMATIC. THAT IS NOT FROM MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY. And DH knows not to protest that one. I hope that not tending to every whimper and cry that is not really something is the right thing. It kills me if I leave the room and she cannot SEE me she just pitches a holy fit. But, I would never get to pee again if I ran back each time. And yes, she has gone in the bathroom with me, but times I just really need a break. Mind you Daddy is ALSO in the room but that does not matter.

Yesterday when Scott picked her up, some other baby was knocking Syd in the head with a toy. Mind you they tended to it, but, I did think it was funny. Does that make me a bad Mom? Kids they just crack me up.

Today I wanted to quit

Today from the moment I walked in the door at my job, I wanted to quit. I was so tired, exhausted, drained, and did not give a damn anymore. This was the first 10 seconds of my day. Pretty much it stayed the same from that point on. I need a break, I know I do, I can feel it in my bones. People say over and over, I need a break, I know for the first time in my life that I really do need and deserve one. The PROBLEM is that, right now it is just not possible. Like I have stated previously over and over, I am right in the process of training two new employees. The company I am working for also just in the last 20 days started to process the A/R in a bit of a different format. I am the only one that is able and allowed to be in charge of this process. Even the owner has no idea how to do this, mind you he cannot even log into our computer because he CHOOSES to be ignorant on this end of things. I just cannot imagine owning a company and having absolutely no clue on how to cut a check or run a payroll check..at least for yourself?! I guess that is why he has the manual check book...plus to drive me insane when I am trying to balance and all these manual checks are flowing in....I am TRYING to balance....it is just about impossible.

I was in a bad mood all day, it sucks, I feel bad for my employees, but they will get over it. I am not mean, but I just don't go out of my way to talk to anyone. That might be a good thing, but you would have to ask them. Anyway, about quitting, last night I watched the Tivoed (is that a word) Martha Stewart Apprentice. I watched this individual take the lead and when things got tough he wanted to leave, quit, bail out. I have these thoughts all the time, my difference, I NEVER voice it...out loud. In my head, I am screaming, yelling, writing it all over the wall...I QUIT! But then today, I was talking to my husband and I told him, I so want to quit, but it is not in my nature, I will fight this to the end. I will work myself to the bone. I will get it done, all of it, we will begin again and be better off. I WON'T QUIT..but I sure do wanna at times. I am not faulting this person on the show. I guess this is what makes us each different. I am pretty damn sure that I would not quit though. Well, I would for my family if something happened that I had to. But just because I did not want to do it anymore and it was hard...nope.

That's not the way you do it!!!!

I am watching Paula Dean on TV Food Network, she is cutting carrots and she is not holding the knife right. It is bugging the hell out of me. I ask, how can you have a televised cooking show and not know basic knife skills?? I took knife skills in cooking class because I thought that was the best place to start to "learn" how to cook...better. I took class from Carol Ritchie, she is a local television cooking celebrity here in the DFW area. This class was a gift last Christmas from my husband. It was probably the best gift I have ever gotten. It is literally the gift that keeps on giving.

I took this class and Carol and I hit it off right at the start. She asked if I was a chef. I just about died. I told her no that I worked for a construction company. She and I then began talking more in-depth. Before I left class, she had told me about a conference that was coming a few weeks from then and that world renowned chefs would be attending. She told me to
e-mail her if I was interested in doing volunteer work for the conference.

At this time I happened to be off on maternity leave. I e-mailed Carol, she hooked me up with the coordinator, and I was off to pick what areas I wanted to work. This is how this past year I met Jacques Pepin and Martin Yan. I met some other popular chef's but unless you are enthralled with cooking like I am, these people would not really mean anything. After this three days of heaven for me, Carol asked if I would be interested in assisting her in her cooking classes. I jumped at that chance as well. So every now and again I get a call asking if I can assist in a class. This is so great because I get to take the class and learn, but not have to pay and get paid to assist. Carol has exposed me to many foodies in the DFW area. She has given me the opportunity to go to food events in the area and just expose myself more into this culture. I love it. The last event I went to was Taste of Arlington. This was great, it was local restaurants that had set up in the convention center and they were offering samples of their food and drinks. I had a great time, my husband was not able to attend with me, so I got some great bonding time with a dear friend of mine. That unfortunately will be soon moving away from me. This was so much fun for us both to eat, talk and just have plain fun together.

Now Sandra Lee is on the TV Food Network, she is annoying as hell. I like her concepts but she is just a freak. I cannot put my finger on but she annoys me. I still watch her though. She just looks like she has never eaten a full meal in her life. A bit strange to me. O.K. She just re-fried potato chips....Strange!! Have more fat into your diet!

I have had a lot of my dear friends inquire about my last post. I am doing better. Thank you, it means so much, you have no idea. I have been cautious in writing about all that has transpired. I wanted to be very open in my blog, but have read others bloggers that have lost their jobs because of their blogs. I have battled this when I am writing. I would love to give blow by blow details but I just don't know if that is the "right" thing to do. I don't want to run a smear posting, but I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that actions in the past have spurred my thoughts to be negative. Someone died in my life that I loved. I considered her a close friend of mine. A week after she died, I discovered that she was stealing health insurance from the company we work for. She also had another of my office employees getting free health insurance as well. This discovery was devastating. I went into a major tail spin. I was hurt beyond belief. I had no one to go to, to question. I had to terminate the other employee, that was very hard as well. Instead of being down one employee, I was now down two. Never mind that things were in mass chaos because when someone dies, you have no idea what was done or not done. I have amazingly muddled through.

I last Thursday and Friday got the accident reports and coroners report from the accident. Cause of death has been ruled as blunt force trauma. She was drunk. I am angry about this as well. I keep telling myself that she made this decision herself, she was an adult and responsible for her actions no matter if she was drunk or not. Thankfully, the accident ended her life as soon as she impacted the telephone pole. Reading this information has been disturbing, and I have been trying to deal the best way I know how. Never mind that I am still trying to keep focused in getting business done as usual. Trying to train two new employees at once has been...Exhausting? I also have my everyday duties as the office manager to attend to. Plus a few other hundred new ones that have happened since we have changed our internal processing a bit. It is a time for learning for me as well, and, I have been on the edge. Knowning that my therapy will soon start helps. It is re-assuring knowing that soon I will have someone to help me sort through all that has happened.

This week I hurt myself while sleeping...I still do not know how that happens, but by the end of the day, the stress had me so stiff I could not move my neck. It was like a cinderblock on my shoulders. I am better now, my loving, supportive, dear husband gave me a 90 min. Massage at a spa yesterday. That was SO needed. I am less stressed today. I still am having issues sleeping. I have to use a sleep aid. The massage therapist said I should have a warm bath and a glass of wine each night. I really am considering taking that into practice. I hate red wine but seeing the health benefits I am considering it. I feel like a less than adequate Mother and Wife because work and all that it has taken of me. I know that what does not kill us makes us stronger, and I question if I am making more of an issue of the whole thing. I guess really not because if I am feeling it, then it is an issue. I read about others that deal with so much more in life and question my ability as a human being. Am I being overly dramatic? I think not, but I hate drama, and try to have the least amount of drama in my life. It annoys the hell out of me to hear about people who just live in drama over and over. So much of it is self-imposed and if they would get their shit straight their life would be so much less dramatic. I know it makes no sense, but it does in my strange world.

So, the meaning of all of this. I am better. Not great but better. My husband and I had a great talk last night. I think I explained a lot to him of what my job entails. I think he gets a better picture of what I am dealing with. When he asks what he can do to make it easier on me, it just melts my heart. Just listening and being the man he is, makes me want to marry him all over again. I still hate his driving, but he is my dream man.

Today is great, tomorrow will be better, and soon I will be back to where I was, just stronger because I made it through.