On the edge of sanity

The past few weeks have really done a number on me, emotionally, physically and mentally. I hate the way I have been feeling for the past few weeks. Dealing with my Grandfather's health, he is much better now, I am happy to report. He was released last Wednesday to go live with my Aunt and Uncle. Going through that and all that it entails, was tough. Then Labor Day weekend and that damn phone call. I re-live that phone call every night. I hate it. It scares me, I HATE it does not even encompass how much I feel towards it. Anxiety is at an all time high. I don't get a break from it, I come to work and am put back in the place where we all worked and spent 9+ hours of our days together. I am angry for her actions that I discovered after she was gone. I am angry for my other employee taking advantage, I am angry that I have to be a boss and I cannot curl up into the corner and cry. I want to grieve. The grieving has been thrown so off course. I got the reports I needed for the insurance paperwork. I read them, re-live the experience all over again. I learn more, it makes me unhappy, angry, and pissed off. My trust was violated, I feel like I was played as a fool. Makes me wonder, was she really my friend or was she laughing behind my back. I want to think only good things and happy things but I am de-railed and hurt.

And life goes on. I feel like I am barely keeping afloat. I am gasping for breath and feel an overwhelming feeling of not going to make it. I HATE being weak, I hate not just being able to "deal with it." To move on. I read the reports I see the accident on the paper, see the diagram, see where she hit with such force in her chest that her SHOES CAME OFF HER BODY!!! They were feet away from where she landed. She was not of "sound" mind to be driving. DAMN IT!!! Your an adult act the fuck like one. Do not endanger someone else's life with your stupid ass thinking you will be fine, it cannot happen to me. BULLSHIT! To read that the only thing in your stomach was 330ML of a yellow liquid. To read that your BAC was .13%. It just makes me so damn mad. So mad that I HATE YOU. I hate that I am missing you, I cannot make you accountable for your actions. I hate that I am trying to deal and it is your stupid ass shit that I am dealing with and cleaning up. FUCK YOU!

I really cannot deal anymore. I had to make a call. I told my Dear Sweet husband that I do not deserve that I needed help. So, yet again in my life I make the call to get some help. If I do not take Tylenol PM each night I cannot sleep. I am worried and scared. I worry that I will never be able to sleep without help again, then I get anxiety, then I start to think of everything at work I need to do or make sure is getting done. I then am in a full panic mode, mind you it is 9 PM and I cannot do anything about it anyway. But I worry and I freak and I stress. So, I take the Tylenol PM to sleep and I do. Then we start all over again the next day. So, now the countdown begins, until I get to see the good old head doctor again. It is either this, or Syd will have to deal without Mommy for a few days while she really does try to put the damn marbles back into her head. They are just about to spill out all over the floor. I so do not want to totally lose it.

Reality TV and 104.6 fevers, oh my!!!!

Thursday nights are a dream for me. I guess it is like what a Sunday is like for my husband and the loads and loads of football on the television. It all started last Thursday with Survivor starting up again. I was in heaven, then last night Martha Stewart's Apprentice...whoo hoo!!! Tonight was the start of the original Apprentice, I am such a fan. I am not a real Donald Trump fan, but love the whole corporate American fight to work in the big bad world of big business. The one year I worked in corporate America for a multi-billion dollar company was such a learning experience for me. I loved that year, and it gave me a lot of knowledge to take back to the small privately owned business I came from. The year off was great for both parties, we both were able to begin to appreciate one another. Tonight's Apprentice was great!!! I loved this episode, I love it when the person I think should get the ax does. Last year when the new season came on I was pregnant and I ran around the house screaming "Your Fired!" for days. I knew my unborn baby would be so familiar with that phrase when it was born. And as dear husband made it clear in posting to my last blog, I am a fan of My Sweet 16, on MTV. Yes, I think the children featured in this show are pretentious little spoiled brats, and I use this for material in parenting. Yes, the child can take some of the blame, but when you are raised to think this behavior is appropriate, is it really all the child's fault. Yes, they are old enough to know better, but if they are not raised to act better, they cannot be held 100% responsible. I thought my mouth was bad, until I watched this show, hell, these 15 yr olds have a lot on me. Mouth and money wise. I had a Sweet 16 and it was a party at my house that my parents provided a most righteous spread for, we had chips, soda, cake and all the other sundries you have at a Sweet 16, no oxygen bar, no go-go dancers, no males with shirts off.

This mindless entertainment was a much needed break for me today. Syd has been sick for the past 2 1/2 days. She came home Tuesday with a slight fever. Yesterday when she woke up her fever was still present, my Mom stayed with her until I was able to come home. I got home, we went straight to the Dr. Ear infection which is what I guessed, today at 2 PM, my husband called and told me that the daycare called and her fever was back again and it was now 104.6. What more do you need to make you feel like the worst Mom in the world? Thank God Daddy was already in route to pick Little Miss up from school. They went straight to the Dr. She had 104.4 rectal temp. I made it in time for the Dr. to see her again, mind you we have already had 3 doses of antibiotics. We got to go the lab and have blood drawn from the arm. Strange doing this to a 7 month old baby. She did great, as great as could be expected. Mommy held her as they did it, this was better than the clipping of the tongue that she had when she was 2 months old. I did not cry this time, I think I was just too in freak out mode to lose it. I told Syd to get used to getting your blood drawn like this, women do this each year once they start their yearly visits to the GYN. Healthy habits start early in this house! Fever has been back and forth. This morning when she woke she was normal, I have no clue what is going on, but I just hope she gets better soon. Tomorrow she cannot go to school, so she is going to work with Mommy. Work is still in shambles, having to leave early for the past two days makes me feel like a shitty boss. I have this constant battle with myself, should I be home, should I be at work, should I be here or there? I think even when I am gone from this earth I will still be fighting this battle. I know it could be worse, I could be evacuating from Houston to the Dallas.

So, we went down for bed tonight with our infant Advil in our system, Mommy hoping and praying that we are over the hump. I hope she rests well tonight, last night she woke a few times, I woke with her, then feared going back to sleep thinking I might miss her crying. Oh, the depth of feeling you have for your child and the pain you feel when you cannot make it better, words cannot express what it feels like to feel so helpless. I thank God everyday for this gift, please help guide me to make her better.

The entertainment tonight was a much needed break for me.

Only 15 more weeks of regular season football...yeehaw!!!

Football whips my ass. I am so tired of it already and we are only in week two. Nevermind that tomorrow night is a DOUBLE Monday night football night. Nevermind that dear lovely husband plays fantasy sports and we seem to have to keep up to date on all games at all times. Fantasy Baseball is still in full swing, football is up and running and in a few weeks we will have the be all and end all with the Fantasy Hockey Draft!!!!

Last year was cherry since we actually had a break due to the hockey strike. Now, mind you I love a good hockey game myself, and can really get into a good game here and there, but the animal comes out of my husband when hockey is on the television. This year it will be interesting seeing how dear sweet baby girl goes to bed around 7:30-8:00 PM each night. The yelling will have to not take place. Mind you I have witnessed this man standing up dancing in front of the TV flipping off another team or player and yelling in a whisper (don't ask yes it is possible) at the TV. Also standing up and jumping around. This behavior usually happens when I fall asleep on the couch while he is watching. I think I would die laughing if I was not so tired.

Oh yeah, lets not forget when the Aggies play, seeing that dear husband is a former Aggie, we have to stand up and WHOOP after every touchdown. I do get a kiss after every touchdown, that is nice but the behavior is strange. Aggies are a breed of their own, don't try to figure it out just go with it. Don't even get me started on my first trip to Midnight Yell....It was...Different? School spirit is great, but this is almost cultish. God love him he is packed full of spirit, no matter what the sport...Accept Nascar...THANK GOD!

From heaven to hell and back again....

This week has been beyond explanation. I have dealt with every emotion known to man and I am amazed at my ability to keep my shit together. Monday was hard; it was the first "real" workweek back after dealing with our loss. Tuesday was better, I actually laughed, and then that afternoon I discovered that said lost employee was stealing from the company. Seems we did not feel it was "necessary" to pay for our dependent health insurance.

Upon investigation, I find that another one of my office employees is also receiving free medical coverage for their dependents too. Said other employee is good friend with lost employee...Things do not look good. Needless to say, yesterday I had to terminate the other employee. I work in an office with 3 other women. Now I am down to one other woman. The stress I have felt this week has probably been the worst ever in my life. The anger, and frustration and the hurt has been overwhelming. My grief has been halted and replaced with anger and rage in not being able to confront and ask just "Why." Why would you abuse the "power" of the position you were given? Why is this the way I will remember you? I have so many questions and now I cannot get any answers for them.

The owner of the company I work for is so hurt, he is angry too but right now he is hurt. I cannot blame him at all. I share that anger and hurt. I share a feeling of distrust, a feeling of violation. I feeling that I cannot trust anyone that I work with. I know that this will strengthen my management skills. I hate that when I think of my "friend" who has left this plane and moved on to another that I think of someone stealing and taking advantage. I do not live my life to smear someone's name; I am not innocent in my life. I have done wrong, but I acknowledge my wrongdoing and because of that I feel that I am an extremely honest person. I question was this person really my friend? I hate this. But when the grief councilor came to see me last week, he told me that this was an adult that made choices in her life, they were conscious choices she made and I cannot feel guilty about that. We are responsible for our own actions here or gone, it is our legacy we will leave behind. I have been wracked with emotions this week, I today, finally slept without having trouble. My mind raced all week and the stress I felt in my chest was crushing. I guess I carry stress in my chest. Anxiety was off the charts. I am glad this week is over for the work aspect. When I left on Friday, I stated the week is over and Monday we start fresh and new with a new person starting in the HR position. I also think this might be God's way of kicking me in the butt and telling me to get on with things. Carry on and learn from this and make good on what you learn.

Syd got her other tooth this week, so now we have two teeth. The constant state of drool we have had from month three has seemed to taper off...I finally do not have a baby that is covered in wet mess. I think she will dry out totally soon. The explosive diapers have seemed to taper off too. I am hoping they won't return when we cut the top two teeth..I know better though.

Each day this week I have discovered more and more reason why I love my life so. My husband has taken up the slack where I have not had the energy to even keep going. He is my constant cheerleader, telling me "Your gonna do great Baby." The list of reason why I love this man continues to grow each day. He has so much confidence in me. I keep asking "Why..And what the hell does he know that I don't?" I just hope the shit I have endured this week is over.

The drama...I hate drama; I am ready for a sitcom.

Peace out!

A little piece of heaven

God has blessed me with so much. I hate that it takes tragedy for me to realize how lucky I am. My Husband is more than I deserve. He has been such a rock for me this past week. Knowing that he is hurting too because he lost a friend as well. He has dealt with my quite times. (Such a rare occurrence..I am a talker) Making sure I am O.K. and encouraging me to talk. He was great as we walked into an event we attended and I had to walk past a group of Harley motorcycles, he grabbed my hand as tears ran down my cheeks and I felt the tug of hurt in my heart again.

Today I went out with my parents for a few hours to shop. It was a nice time to get out and explore my utopia Central Market, it is a specialty foods grocery store. Weekends are hell at this place and I can spend hours upon hours looking and reading and talking with other "foodies." He stayed home enjoying all that the first day of Sunday football brings, watching our daughter as I explored and shopped to my hearts content.

This evening my parents came over and we ate an eclectic dinner made up of our finds from our visit to CM. I promised Rotel cheese dip to my Husband, it is a first day of football staple I am told. Thinking about how Bonnie would always say how much she loved my cheese queso dip. Wishing I could make it for her one last time.

Syd has a tooth, it showed up for "real" on Thursday. We have been dealing with the explosive diapers...It is beyond gross. Poor Daddy has had the great fun of changing them in the mornings. I am off duty in the mornings, I do Monday through Friday mornings. It is incredible how much diarrhea one child can generate. I have clorox wiped down her mattress numerous times this weekend. Bath time is becoming a morning staple. Maybe I have "super smelling" powers but after an incident I just smell shit for hours. Needless to say I am bathing Syd thinking she smells like shit and I cannot have an shitty smelling child.

Tonight I got to cuddle with Syd, since we are mobile now, not crawling mind you, but pushing herself around with her one big toe..(how many blisters does it take before you reach bone?) My parents and I took her out for a stroller ride after dinner, got her changed ready for bed and went out for a walk. When we got home she was out, woke to take a bottle and then when she was done she was sleeping, I was able to hold her on my shoulder while she slept. Such a feat. I just held her close and soaked up heaven. I could have stayed that way for hours, it was the best thing this weekend, that and sitting on the couch with her and her Daddy, and her giggling. I am such a lucky woman, wife, mother, daughter...Thank you God, for blessing me with what matters...People who love me and that I love more than anything in the world.

Where to begin, what to say, when will I be normal again?

Wow, what a week, year, 10 years? Not even a week yet since Bonnie passed, and I feel like it has been so long, emotionally I am beyond exhausted. Each day this week brought new challenges for me to face, but I made it through. I still have not even made a dent into the things I need to take care of, but hell it is not going anywhere and I can do it on Monday.

Today I had a grief counselor come in to meet with the employees. My main concern was the other women in my office and myself. I just knew I needed to speak with a professional. This man that came to see us was AMAZING. He just left an area where he is working with Hurricane Victims from Hurricane Kuntrina. He worked for 2 months in NYC after 9-11, I felt honored for him to come and spend 5 hours with my office. He made me feel that what I am feeling is normal. Tuesday I was angry. I was the first to arrive in the office and as soon as I hit the door I lost it. I just walked in sobbing. I got myself settled and made my way up the stairs to Bonnie's office. I walked in and told her, "I should not be in here talking to you like this, you should be here and I am mad at you for not being here." I wish that was my lowest point that day, but as we spoke of her during the day, I had moments where I was just sobbing uncontrollably.


Needless to say I have had to partake in my airplane flight Xanax due to the anxiety. Night times are the worst, I feel the anxiety creep up. I have been afraid of the dark and feel that there are monsters in my house. Yes, 34 years old and scared shitless to be alone. Today I was told that during traumatic events we revert back to our childhood fears....That makes a hell of a lot of sense. I slept with a night light till I was in high school. Tonight I seem to be dealing better, I do not feel the need for the meds tonight. On Monday I had to have them just to function. I am better but still struggling at times.

It is funny, last Thursday I told Bonnie about my blog. She read it and we talked about it on Friday. I thought on my way home on Friday, "Did I fuck up by telling her about it? What if I want to vent about work or something and she reads it?" I truly think that there was a reason for me to tell her about it. Not that there is any great Epiphany in my writings but she got to see a side of me that others have not.

I also on Monday told the husband about the blog. I told him I know you hate them, but I have started one and it works for me. He has read my blog, told him be ready because he is fair game on the blog. He is a great sport, he takes my shit and knows not to dish it back...Well, not so much but he knows what HIS boundaries are. I, well HAVE NO BOUNDARIES. Ask him he will tell you.

Never been to a funeral...Well not anymore. Wednesday was the viewing, I went early that day, I was told that we could visit before the "official"time. I talked to Bonnie, two of her daughters were there along with one of my co-workers. It was just "different" does not really even encompass what it was. I wanted to see the Bonnie I knew before hand but that is not the reality of the situation. I know that she knows now what she meant to me as well as all of the others that were there to celebrate her life. She really lived each day to the fullest. Even when she was having a bad day, she always would give you a smile. I miss so much about her, I don't think I could make a list, there is just so much.

Thursday was the funeral, as my husband would say in his poetic way, "It sucked." The service was very nice, but the whole funeral thing sucked. Like someone would ever say, "It was the most kick ass funeral I have ever been to, we are planning another one next weekend??!! Or, " I laughed, I cried, it was better than CATS!" No, my assessment, funerals suck and they are for the living, to help process the situation. Did the whole funeral procession, Husband thought that was cool to be able to drive straight through all red lights with police escort. I did want to get out and kick the shit out of each and every driver that did not stop in honor of the dead...It is a law from what I understand!

I have missed a lot of time with my family this week. Being in my own "world" and just attending all the services. I have thought a lot about my family, about the love I have for my husband. He can drive me beyond crazy at times, but the support and love he has given me this week has been so wonderful. I am so damn lucky to have him.

My friends that know what I have been dealing with have been so wonderful to me. I feel so loved and cared for. This weekend I am surrounding myself in my security blanket, my family. I am taking time to be with my Husband and Daughter. Taking time to be with my Parents. Just being with the people that love me, I need that now and that is SO hard for me to admit.

This is for you Bonnie.

I still hear you last Friday telling me "Bye, have a good weekend!" With that Oklahoma twang of yours. I see your smiling face, I hear you saying "SYDNEY RENEE'!!" Asking me how "your" baby is. I see you coming to see Syd and I in the hospital. I see you holding her for the first time, I hear you telling me, "Tawny, she is a beautiful baby......And you know I would tell you if you had an ugly baby." I know now that Syd has her own Guardian Angel, and that missing you will never go away. I know God needed you more than we did here. It hurts, but your light is now eternal and for everyone. And now everyone knows just how wonderful you are.

Bonnie

I sit here grief stricken, sick to my stomach, cold, and lost. At 3 am on Monday I got a call that the one girl I work with, Bonnie, had died. I could not believe the phone call, the news pouring out of the other end. I could not believe what I was hearing. After trying to rush to the hospital across town to try to help and get some answers, I never made it in time. After turning back around only going about 1/8th of the way there, I call the family to offer my number and information. Bonnie was a co-worker, I was her boss, but she was my friend first. My call was answered by her Husband. He informed me that around 9 pm on Sunday night she and he were on there way over to a friends house. They were riding their Harley's and Bonnie hit a curb. When Steve got to her she was already unconscious. He never got to speak to her again. To think the last thing she said to me on Friday was "Have a good weekend." I have no clue what the family is dealing with, my feelings of grief are so small compared to what her three daughters and one son are going through. She has three grandchildren too. They all loved her so much. We all did. I miss her so, but I can "feel" her with me, I truly can "feel" her telling me to be strong and that she is in such a better place. But my heart aches so much and my stomach feels so sickly. How I will function on Tuesday at work I have no clue. I will have to clean out her office, and get the life insurance paperwork processed. I have to remain strong for Bonnie and my employee's, but I feel weak in my own grief.

Scenting ones self...Today Vanilla

Every morning when I get up and get ready for the day, the last thing I do before I put on my shoes and load up my car with my house, and kid is put on perfume. When I open my shrine to sweet smelling potions I look at what I am wearing and ask myself, in this outfit, (even in t-shirt and shorts) what "should" I smell like? I was thinking about this whole process the other day and thought I was a freak of nature. If I wear browns or earth tones I think vanilla, so I use the Victoria Secret "Vanilla something (I forget the name but it has vanilla in the name) perfume. If I wear purple or pinks I wear "Violet" from Bath and Body Works or Estee Lauder "Beyond Paradise." Blues, of course I wear Ralph Lauren "Blue." This seems a bit obsessive to me when I look back on this act. Was wondering if anyone else did this or...Yes you are a total freak.

Date night...Can it happen?

Friday is now upon us and on my way to work this morning my husband and I were in our daily commute conversation. Seeing how he at 7:00 AM each morning has already been at work for 1 1/2 hours, he is usually much more "into" his day than I am at this point. He offers the option of us going out tonight, go see a movie and possibly dinner. I knew that nights out would not be as prolific as they were before sans child, but, since my parents have been gone and things have been so crazy I jumped at the chance for a night out.

During my ride to work, I am listening to the radio, each station is peppered with stories of the goings on on the Gulf Coast. So many people are calling in and telling their horror stories and how they are in our area and living 6 to a motel room, they have only photos, and a change of clothes. As these stories pour out of my radio depression sets in. Being a new mom by the time I settle in for the evening watching the news is the last thing on my agenda. So my information on the situation has been very limited. I will watch a 5-10 minute segment here and there, and surf the net looking at photos, always feeling like I am about to vomit from the utter horror.

By the time I make it to work I have talked myself out of going out for the evening. I start to play the "what if" game in my head and pretty much put myself into a full blown panic attack. I fear the ramifications of this whole disaster. Each and everyone of us will be effected in some way if we have not already. And I am not just talking about the prices at the gas pump. I talk to my husband and we decided to take the night and go ahead with said plans. Just for the fact to give my mind a rest. Not being busy and pre-occupied can be a killer on my anxiety. I want to sit and watch the television but I feel so lost and helpless and crying does not help anyone. I think the photos of the babies there are what kill me the most. I just imagine myself in the same situation and I can say I would have no clue how I would react and do not feel I am above looting for food for my child.

So, I chose to go out tonight and see The 40 Yr Old Virgin, I need the dose of humor. Then go grab a bite to eat afterwards. Syd will entertain her grandparents like only she knows how. Giving everyone a break from reality even if it is for a few hours. How lucky I am.

I think back after 9-11 since this is the only thing I have to compare this to, and after 9-11 to me it seemed like we were so united for even just a short period of time. America was bound by the Red, White, & Blue. People seemed a bit kinder in traffic. People were a bit nicer when you were out. We all were grieving. This time I feel a sense of division. I feel such a wave of wanting to blame someone. I have heard stories about how funding has been ignored for the levees in New Orleans. I keep thinking what good is this doing NOW? I don't want to start blaming anyone, but please, please remember, there were other people in office that could have made these changes to the levees long before 2005. I too am just as frustrated with the seemingly slow response to help the victims and get them out of the area or at least food and water. But I, living in my HOUSE, with WATER, FOOD, and FAMILY have NO CLUE what it is like trying to get into those areas. Blaming someone does not get them help faster. There will be plenty of time to do this and I am sure plenty of people will be crucified for their "negligence." At times I just want to stand up and scream.

Perspective

Since all hell has broken lose on the Mississippi Gulf Coast, makes my little water problem seem so minuscule. My Dad did come over on Tuesday, the assessment seems to be that when watering the lawn, for 2 HOURS, the water hitting the house can seep into the joints built into the house and therefore leak out of the other sides of the house. No more water leaking since that wonderful nerve racking night. Needless to say, I am very THANKFUL for this and the wrath it might have caused on the family finances.

This family did open up the ol' checkbook for the relief effort for the hurricane Kuntrina, as I am now calling her. She fucked things royally, so if you can spare even the smallest amount please go here to help. I personally thank you, seeing how I reside in Texas, many of the refugee's are heading our way. Seeing the hell they have been through and will have to live with for the rest of their lives, I think giving to the Red Cross is the LEAST that I can do. Last night my husband and I were returning from dinner and the truck in front of us did not seem to have any clue where they were going, he was becoming the pain in the ass mouthy driver, and I noticed the license plate was from Louisiana, I pointed that out and he held his tongue. Be as lost as you need to be, I am sure you have dealt with more than I can ever imagine. Hell on earth. Really hell on earth.

I was talking to my Mom about the whole Kuntrina thing and told her I CANNOT wait for someone, if they haven't already, to start spouting off that this was God's will, that New Orleans is a city of sin, drinking, transvestites, strip bars, prostitution, drugs, (you know your every run of the mill city), and that this was God's way of cleaning up. I know it is coming, I can just feel it in my bones. My God does not work that way. And damn you if you think that way. The blame game does not need to be played either. In many ways I wish that people would just shut the fuck up, stop wasting time on asking all the Why? Things failed and just focus on getting relief to the people that need it. We can ask why and whom all that shit afterwards when we start the rebuilding process, but now is not the time.

Ahh, cleansing breath...... Anyway, being new to blogging and all, I have really begun to love it. I am slowly starting a list of blogs that I have to read daily. I am addicted to Dooce. This woman in my mind is a fucking genius. I will be constructing my Dooce alter on my desk at work so very soon. If you have never paroused her musings, I urge you to tickle your funny bone and surf on over. Genius I tell ya.