Pinned up eyelids

I am so tired today, and I really do not know why. I went to bed early last night, and I have been getting plenty of sleep. My eyes are so heavy right now, I feel like I need to place toothpicks on my eyelids to keep them open. Did any of you see that stunt while watching The Flintstones when you were little. I remember that episode for some reason and always think about it when I am so tired that it is hard for me to keep my eyes open. Funny what you remember.

Well, we have a date, the realtor is coming over on the 10th and we are signing the papers that day, the house will go on the market on the 13th. Scott has done a fantastic job on getting things ready. I have done little to the cause. I pretty much keep Sydney while he works. I did clean out my closet, remember that is the Christmas miracle this year. And you laugh, really it is.

Monday we went out as a family, Sydney all bundled up because we had some fierce wind with a chill in the air, and picked out our Christmas Tree. Not many were unwrapped from their string yet seeing that they probably were just taken off the truck 2 days prior. The one we picked, it looked better at Lowe's. It works, it will serve its purpose but it just looks strange. Once we take photos of it I will post some to show. Maybe a before and after type thing. Our first tree the first year we were in our house was the bomb. Last years tree was a great one too. But that first year, it was postcard perfect. Seems that Sydney is scared of the tree. She does not scream but turns away from it and pulls herself to the furthest side away from the tree when you hold her. I know this is only temporary, soon she will be all in that tree pulling things off and sticking them in her mouth.

Saturday is my Husband's company's Christmas Party. My Husband works for the same company that my Mom works for, and my Mom is in charge of the Christmas Party each year. It is sort of an unspoken rule that we go. We have missed a few years due to other engagements and such, but we seem to be back on track. We will be going this weekend too. I think this will be the first time all 4 of us, my parents and Scott and I are out without Sydney in tow. I just know my Dad is going to keep up a mantra of how much he misses her. I am very thankful for that. It is funny, when Scott told my Dad I was pregnant, his response was "Well if that is what you want to do." WTF? I STILL cannot decipher what exactly he was saying. Now, he tells me if he knew it was going to be this fun he would have begged me to have a baby sooner. Yeah right...I do not think I was ready until at least the age of 34 to have a child. I had to get my selfishness worked out. I just knew that I was not ready and I never wanted to have a child and think "I wish I did not have this responsibility." I was so afraid that would happen so I waited and waited until I knew I was in a place that I would not say that. Overthinking things again. But, that is not a bad thing..at times.

I did see Wanda again yesterday. I had to ask, what I am feeling now, is this what being normal is like? I seriously had thoughts that I was too drugged up. I have NO, ZERO, NADA amount of anxiety. I am as calm as can be. It feels so foreign to me. She looked at me and said "Yes." We talked about it, and I feel kind of lost without these overwhelming feelings of worry. She categorized it perfectly by saying it makes me feel like I am forgetting something. Like I have forgotten my purse or something. Things just happen and I deal. I am not freaked out about tomorrow or what might happen. I am in the moment. I still do have fears, but they are not so overbearing like they have been. I just kept asking, is this right? Should I be feeling this way? I LOVE it. I feel like I am living, and not missing life because I am all wound up in my anxiety. Who knew!?

Well, still tired and I am on my 2nd cup of coffee. FYI for anyone who cares, 7-11 has coffee flavored as Gingerbread. This coffee rocks. It is my absolute favorite flavor. I find 7-11 has the best damn coffee, better than Starbucks and so much easier on the pocketbook. You can have your cup refilled for 75 cents at 7-11, and they have tons of things to put into your coffee. Syrups, mini marshmallows, (chocolate, and vanilla flavored), sugared sprinklings, everything you could EVER want. It is coffee Mecca for me. Sometimes on my way home from work I will stop by and treat myself in the evening too. One of my favorite things to do during this time of year is to get coffee and ride around in the car and look at the Christmas lights. Scott and I have done that for years, it is one of the things I love to do with him, allows us to just be in the moment. This year, we will take Sydney, she will probably fall asleep but we all three will just be together.

Just Don't Know What to Feel

I love the holiday time, I always have. I get very depressed after the New Year, even as a child I can remember on New Year's Eve being sad that at the stroke of midnight all the holiday hubbub would be over. It would give me a sick feeling in my stomach. Most of the time this feeling was because we would be starting back to school and in Memphis where I lived for the majority of my schooling, we would get report cards soon after. I knew that the D's that inhabited my report cards would soon be showing their ugly heads. So, I would freak out be sad cry and the overall holiday feeling would be gone. The buildup is always so big and then POP! it is done, over, gone, until next year. I love Thanksgiving because the television is peppered with an assortment of holiday commercials. Some of my fondest memories is when my Mom stayed at home before she started working, and she and I would sit in the living room early in the mornings watching The Price is Right and wrapping gifts. I was always on bow duty. I can still remember how fun that was to me.

This year, it is different. This is the first year we will have Christmas with a child. Last year my husband told me "This is the last year it is all about you." At the time he said this, it really hurt. Being an only child I pretty much am used to the rotation of the earth being directed by moi. But, he is right. This year it is about having our baby. Last year, I can still feel the feelings I was having at this time last year. Fear, excitement, joy, terror. We were taking our childbirthing classes the first two weeks of December last year. It seems just like yesterday in some aspects and yet so long ago. Classes that I should get a refund for, I never once got to use anything I learned about childbirth. The baby basics class, that was a good buy, but the breathing and panting and the deep cleansing breath...nada here. Not a one. I had all the shit too, the stop watch, the yoga ball, the tennis balls for my back, the socks, slippers, breath mints, I had the bag of all bags to take to the hospital. That is what I get for being prepared. I guess I should have taken it from that point on to realize this child of ours is working on HER own time schedule and don't count on things going the way you thought they would...still trying to learn that.

I want to take the huge leap, to buy the biggest tree our house will hold, to decorate till it is totally Griswalded out. To be the talk of the neighborhood, to make this first Christmas the biggest, by God we have a child! But then, I think about it and I get tired. So very tired. Mind you I don't do the outside decorating, I do the inside and even with that, I really don't do all that much. It is my husband, he is Clark Griswald revisited. SERIOUSLY... But, I have to remain sane and remember that we will be right in the middle of showing our house trying to entice someone into wanting this house to be their house for their next Christmas. SO, that part of me wants to buy a table top tree, and do very scant decorating. Plus, it is exhausting thinking about how many million times I will have to say "Sydney, no-no, don't touch the Christmas tree." And the chorus of "no-no baby girl" that her Daddy will be chanting.

I have yet to do any major shopping for anyone. I am being hammered with the question, "what do you want for Christmas." My answer of nothing, and seriously that is really what I want, I want for nothing. That is not a sufficient answer. I want things that are not your normal wants, I want job security, I want health and happiness for the coming year for my friends and family. I want to stay sane for another year. I want an anxiety free 2006. I want to know that everything I have worried about this year will fade into the past and just be a distant memory. I want the pain I have felt to fade and the good times to shine through. I thought a lot about Bonnie this past weekend. Bonnie loved the holidays. She always took the Wednesday off before Thanksgiving to cook. She lived for the holidays. When I think of Bonnie, I always think about the holidays. I found photos of her from last Christmas today. There is one with her and I and she has her hand on my very pregnant belly. Both of us with Santa hats on our heads. It seems like yesterday, but then it seems so far away too. I still miss her, and I am glad. I am glad that I am in a place where I can say that I miss her. Because there was time when I did not miss her, I was just mad. But the anger has faded and the pain of loss is still around. But it is duller than it was and each day is better.

I am Thankful for knowing what love really is. For wanting to give more than I get. For having family and friends that love me more than I could ever love myself. For having a Husband that would do anything for me and never question. For having a child that taught me what kind of person I really want to be in life. For her smiles that warm my heart. I am thankful for my job, my family, my life.

Call Ripley's Believe it or Not

I have a tendency to acquire strange illnesses. I have not a clue why but I have done this all of my life. I have had things that I have not heard others of having making me feel like a freak of nature. In college I had to go to student death (health, If you went there you would so understand) because I had an infection in my belly button. Yes, I said belly button. It was strange I tell ya. So after they swab the belly button and send it off to be looked at they give you some ointment to put in the belly button and you go on your way. I knew something was wrong because my belly button was painful and bleeding. Only I would get a belly button infection. I also had impetigo, (SP) some childhood thing like chicken pox; I had that too, chicken pox. I also had pin worms, lice, pneumonia, and all the other assorted illnesses children have when they are little. Adulthood has not been kind either. Mind you, I almost died from a nose bleed in January. Yes, really, not kidding. I was bending over to get a pot out of my cupboard to make some noodles and my nose started to bleed. I at the time was past my due date with my daughter and was scheduled to be induced the next morning. I had to go to the hospital in an ambulance and they performed an emergency C-section on me to get the baby out so they could operate on my nose. It was a freak thing, probably one that would never happen again but it scared the shit, if not more, out of my husband. The whole situation was unbelievable. If I did not live it and have the Dr.'s that worked on me tell me, "We have heard of this but never experienced it." I would not believe it myself.

So, would it surprise you if I told you I have a viral infection on my tongue? I have not a fucking clue where or how I got this. Last Friday my throat started to hurt, Saturday and Sunday it got worse, on Monday my tongue got this freakish look to it and yesterday I got in to see the Dr. It is not strep. They swabbed it, and took my blood. Gave me Valtrex, yes it is the genital herpes medication, (no I do not have genital herpes) and told me to go to one of the old time pharmacies, I needed a compound pharmacist. They made up this elixir of benyadril, Maalox, prednisone(steroid), lanacane, for me to swish and gargle with. It tastes utterly disgusting. I refuse to swallow it. If I do I will throw up. It numbs my whole mouth, and makes eating tolerable. It does work but takes like ass. UGHH! Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit.

I hope that Sydney does not follow in Mommy's footsteps in freakish illnesses. I swear she probably gave me this viral mouth crap; she loves to stick her hands in my mouth and feel my tongue move all around. It is the MOST fun ever! Just ask her! She probably had some nasty stuff on her hands and it got on my tongue and presto-change-o... mouth virus.

What next???

Baldness in nostrils?

Another bump in the road

The past few weeks I have been skating past talking about my best friend's father. I lived in Memphis for almost 16 years, during that time I met my best friend. She like myself is an only child. We practically lived together when we were friends. We would vacation with each others family and spend hours upon hours together. Her parents were in many ways like my parents and vice versa. We remained close through college and she was very good friends with my ex husband. She was there when I met him when we were 15 yrs old. Her father was the Pastor of my church. We had church that bound all of us together. After my divorce our relationship changed. We still are friends and I doubt I will ever have a relationship like the one I had with her. The best of best friends. I miss the way it was a lot of the time but we are now adults. I spoke with her a few weeks ago. In our conversation she said, "We may be gone from one another but never left one another, just pick up where we left off." Her father has been battling cancer for the past year and 3 weeks ago had a massive stroke. I got an e-mail this morning that says they are giving her father days to weeks to live. Stating that 3 months would be the max but they do not expect him to make it to the end of the year. This man confirmed me into the Lutheran Church, he gave me my first communion, he married me to my first husband, he was with me during some very monumental times in my life. I am sad, very sad. I e-mailed her with a few things I needed to say to her and to him. He is pretty much just comfortable right now and waiting for the end. She and her Mother sound ready, knowing that the inevitable is coming, just waiting and hurting I am sure. I feel bad because words are hollow, but they are all that I have to offer. When the time comes, I will be there to be with them. To lay him to rest, for never being to a funeral, I am really making up for lost time this year.

All I can say is, this might have been the straw that broke my back in sanity. I am so thankful I got help. I am so very sad, but I am able to cope with the feelings, that is the most important. I do not feel doom and gloom. I feel sadness for the situation and hurt because we all are losing someone we love in this life. I feel sad because my friend is hurting and I cannot take the pain away from her and keep it for myself. So please if you could, say a little prayer for my friend Beth and her Mother and Father. Keep them in your thoughts for me, I would so appreciate it.

God Speed Pastor Hugel.

The itch you had to scratch

I had to laugh. Check this out. Well, here he is, the Mr. I Hate Blogs, my husband. I guess the blogging bug bit him where he could not ignore and felt like he needed to jump onto the bandwagon. He probably did it because he could not stand not having a forum to refute all my comments. Whatever the reason it is fine with me. I think it is funny as hell myself. But this slice of blogging is just a glance of what he is like in real life. Yes, he really is like he sounds in his blog. He has this amazing ability to speak so soft and mumble every syllable in the English language to make you think you are suffering from sudden and massive hearing loss. The magically he will have a thought that will produce major amounts of sarcasm, foul words, and smart ass comments spoken in the clearest and loudest voice possible. Pretty much I just sit, stare, and shake my head. While reading his first post I am saying over and over "Scott, shut the fuck up someone is going to HEAR you!" Oh well, he has logged himself and his musings into cyberspace, no one is safe now. Hide the computer, the children will never be the same.

So, don't bother posting anything to me telling me you think he is a jerk. Mind you I have moments like that too. Mainly these occur when we are driving somewhere and he is freaking my shit out because I HATE the way he drives. There are other times, but we all want to go on with our day and not sit here all day reading. But, besides these points, this man has loved me more and in ways that others have run from in fear of approaching. He took me for all my good and ALL my bad too. He loves me even when I am evil, vile, angry, crazy woman. He accepts me in a way that only he can do and has been my biggest supporter. I love him as well for all of his evil, vile, angry person he can be as well. He has made me a better person because I believe with him in my life he brings out the best in me. The worst as well because he refuses to do everything the right way (my way).

When you have children you have this miniature version of two people blended together. All the good and bad is mixed together. Scott says that Sydney gets her "strong will" (aka, screaming fit throwing self) from her Mama. I say that she got her "are you watching me I am about to do something I am not supposed to grin" from him. But I look and see this blossoming little person with so much to learn and pray that we both don't screw her up. So far so good. I still at times cannot believe how much you have to accomplish to get a degree, but any fool can have a baby.

So ladies and gentlemen, I introduce you to my husband Scott. What you see is what you get and no apologies here.

Love him or hate him, he is all mine and I am not giving him back.

Don't Know What ya Got Till It's Gone

Please allow me to borrow a title from an 80's hair band song. Yesterday I got a package from my friend that moved away a few short weeks ago. It seems like it was yesterday on so many aspects but then it also seems like she has been gone for sooo long already! I was extremely happy that my friend was able to move. It allowed her to be close to her family. But this transitional time has thrown up a lot in her face all at once. The time when many of us reach out for our friends for support, and she is far from me. We still have the phone and e-mail and blogs but it is not the same. I am so grateful for e-mail because many times without it I would have lost contact with so many friends that have passed through. Even forwarding of a joke can keep a friendship alive unlike years that can pass without a word from friends that have moved away. It is a nice quick way to stay connected. My dear friend moved right before Halloween, she has a son that will be 1 next month. We went through our pregnancies together, both C-sections, both trying to have our first child while trying to not loose our identity of our careers to bottles and breastpads. Both banging our heads on everything that is not nailed down dealing with managing a new child, new responsibilities, husband, dogs, work, it goes on and on. I felt like she was my partner in crime. And she is now gone. I have moved myself and had people move from me over and over, it is a part of life. We move on, go forward, we live. But it sucks. I wish I could take everyone that have made such an impact on my life that I cannot live without and put them in a jar. Keep them close to me not let them get away from me. Not ever let them go.

I find myself when I am reminiscent of my friends in times like this, saying "Being a grown-up sucks." I guess this blog entry is a shitty way of telling someone, your gone but not forgotten? I miss you?? I wish you were still here...no question about that, I do. So, here goes.

Kim-

God gives us gifts each day of our life. Many times we get so caught up in the shit that is around us to realize how wonderful the things we have really are wonderful. You know how you meet someone and you just "know" this person is going to be my friend. You connect, I felt that with you the first time we met. Then time passed, and we met again almost a year after that. We had so much in common, I looked forward to the group things we would do, just so I would get to take time and talk to you. You are the type of person we could sit and talk all day and never scratch the surface of everything we want to talk about. You have always been so genuine such a cheerleader for me. You truly know what being a friend is. You make me laugh, and allow me to cry. I think you are one of my few friends that cries before I do, that is too COOL! haha! I hold my head high and call you my friend. I thank God for allowing our lives to intersect, for way to short in my book, but who knows what tomorrow has planned for us. You may be gone from being in the same town but you always will be in my heart, no matter how many miles you travel. Thank you for sharing such a vital part of my life with me, thank you for being my sounding board. Thank you for loving me just the way I am. I miss you tons.

Love-Tawny

I think I am high on fumes

We painted all weekend long. Well not WE but my Husband did. I watched Syd. He painted our bedroom and my bathroom. Seems that when you show your house it is best to have everything a boring neutral color because when you show your house people are unable to visualize themselves painting things to their taste. Not to say that everyone would love my deep green sea green bathroom or my lavender/blue bedroom. Now it is Kelly-Moore bone color. They should re-name it to boring ass bone color. We have the hallway and the dining room and the living room left to paint. No chance of this getting done this weekend, my Mother and Sister-In-Law are in town for an early Thanksgiving this weekend. It is funny though, when I first painted my bathroom 7 years ago, the first wall that was painted I just looked and wondered what the hell I was thinking. Now I look at them and think, what the hell are the realtors thinking? To me it looks drab and dull. But, if it makes the house sell faster then I guess we are all for it.

Yesterday was the completion of a massive journey for my Father. My Father had an accident when he was young, I guess he was 8 years old when it happened. He was hit in the eye and due to the accident he lost the vision in his eye. My Father is now 57 (I think) years old. So, over 45 years without vision in that eye he has gone. Back in April he had surgery to restore his vision in his eye. The vision restoration was incredible, to go from not being able to see to being able to see in just a few days of recovery was incredible for me, I can only imagine how it was for him. I remember the first time I knew he could see. It was 2 days after the surgery and he and I and Scott and very baby Sydney were out eating breakfast. We were sitting at the table at IHOP and he made the comment that he could see all the plates on the table. I just looked at him and asked "You can see?" He said yes, he could see the cups and dishes and even covered his eye and touched a few. We left there and then went to Wal-Mart. He kept telling me that he thought people were sneaking up on him because he was getting the peripheral(sp) vision back. He could see things off to the side and was not able to before. It took everything I had to keep my shit together. It still brings me to tears today when I think of it. He states all the time that Sydney will never know that he was blind in his one eye. Yesterday they straightened his eye. When you lose vision in your eye, the muscle does not hold the eye in place so it gradually will pull to the side of the head, so it looks as if you are looking to the side. It is strange I know, but yesterday they worked on both eyes and straighten the muscles so his eyes look normal. They waited this long because once restoring the vision the eye will straighten itself out to some extent, this was tweaking so to speak. It is amazing what they can do now, compared to over 45 years ago.

Nevermind he can still be an ass, but an ass that can see now..woo hoo!

I feel good. The med adjustment has made light year difference in the way I am feeling. My anxious state has been put to the side. I have been anxiety free for days now and it feels great. I am not freaking out about every little thing and it feels nice to function like a regular person. To go through the day and not freak out about every little thing in the world that I cannot control. To just live in the moment and be. Wow, who knew it was this good.

BTW, I have been partaking in the Kelly Clarkson CD, Breakaway. I must say, VERY good. I am impressed with it. I must I listen to it about 5 times a day at my desk. Gotta love Windows Media Player....

Well, better go partake in my lunch. Meds make me eat, strange when the past few months I have lived off of coffee and sunflower seeds.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the blogger

Let's sum up the week in a word...AGHHHH!!! Monday night, the night of my birthday, I had the birthday meltdown. This proceeds with me screaming being totally out of control, being unreasonable, irrational, hysterical, and just a plain mess of tears. That was before dinner too!! Monday was bad, very bad for me, so bad that I was having very terrible bad thoughts. So bad that on Tuesday, I had to take some quick action on my part. So, this week I have been getting myself back together again. Trying to at least. I upped the therapy just because if I don't do it now I will be doing it in a hospital under mandatory rule. I also went to the Dr. and had my meds adjusted. Yesterday evening was my first dose of the new stuff, a combo of things if you will. All of this is to help my brain stop over processing stuff. That is my problem, really, I can rationally sit and tell you, the rational answers to questions. But, these answers do not penetrate into my brain where I can seek understanding of them. I say, yes everything will work out fine, the numbers work on paper, but in my mind, I am living homeless in a box on the side of the road. It sounds so stupid I know but that is the way I feel things. Yesterday after I left the Dr.'s office I had a huge knot of anxiety in my chest, I could just feel it sitting and stirring there in my chest waiting and waiting to just jump out and get me. Scott and I were going to the store and he said sit back and relax, I told him, I don't work that way, down quite time is when my mind starts to race and over react. It is like candy to a child, let me take this and run with it. It makes me crazy, literally. I think that is why recently whenever I have free time I am reading or listening to a book on tape, quite time is evil for me. I also think that is why it is do damn hard for me to get to sleep. I have not been able to sleep without a sleep aid since Bonnie's death. The meds I am on now, I got a great sleep last night. It relaxed my whole body, even my muscles in my legs were relaxed. Now this morning I was still very tired but not drugged tired. Seems as my body adjusts to the meds this will adjust as well. I did still wake with the anxious feeling in my chest, but I took 1/2 of a Xanax and I have been calm and anxious free since.

On another note, I finished the books I was reading and listening to on tape. I read The Myth of You and Me. It was good,but not as good as I thought everything I had read touted it to be. I listened and just finished Cover the Butter, this book was great in my opinion. It was written by a woman named Carrie, sorry her last name escapes me. If you want a good book with a Mother/Daughter struggle through the whole story, this one is for you. At times I wanted to jump in the book and slap the shit out of the Mother in the story. She was just cruel. Now I am listening to Can You Keep a Secrete, it is O.K. so far, at times a bit too silly but it gives me an escape to listen to the story as I drive.

Well, soon the weekend will be in full swing. I so cannot wait, we have a weekend packed with more packing, painting and re-inventing our home into something a stranger would want to buy. Quite possibly once it is all done I might not want to leave either.

Thirty-five...yes, I said 35

Ha! I have to laugh, I was typing above and typed 25, ahh to be 25 and know what I know as 35. Yes today, the day, the birthday 35. I just keep thinking, when my Mom was 35 she had a 15 year old. I am 35 dealing with a 9 month old, one who thought today would be a great day to scream at her mother all morning while she got her ready for daycare. One who each time you tried to feed her the Yo-baby yogurt she screamed because you could not shovel it in fast enough. The one who when you tried to feed her faster got madder because she could not grab the spoon and throw banana yogurt and cereal all over herself and Mommy. Yes that one, that's my baby girl. She was just a pistol this morning. How can picking her up from her crib and laying her on the changing table instill such a change from smiling happy baby to screaming your killing me baby? She, she can really push my buttons.

Don't even get me started on the car seat. I hate that DAMN thing. Yes, more than you Sydney, Mommy hates it so much that when you out grow it I am taking a baseball bat to it and beating the utter hell out of it. I so cannot wait for that day!

Saturday was Sydney's last swimming lessons class. She was way to small for the class, but it gave me 25 minutes to play with her in the pool and get her acclimated to the water. She knows to reach for the side and will kick and reach after a toy. I have no clue if she learned anything other than grab for Mommy's top to show everyone Mommy's boobs, yes, such a treat for the 15 yr old life guards. It was fun, and she sleeps so well after class.

This weekend was a whirlwind of cleaning and packing and throwing shit out. Tons and tons of shit out of my house. My closet is cleaned, you have no idea what a miracle this is. My Mom asked if it was cleaned and had to go see it. I think photos will be taken and sent out as Christmas gifts to everyone it is such a miracle. I hate cleaning, did I ever tell anyone that. We are far from done, but closer to the end.

Friday I saw the therapist again. It was good, I have been instructed to take the Xanax everyday. Friday, I caused myself such panic and stress and worry. I had a very tearful day behind my closed door in my office. When I got home, I was in bed by 8 pm and asleep. I never realized how much my anxiety rules my life and how exhausting it is. It sucks. Today I got up, was freaking out before I even was out of bed. Took the pill, and I am level, clear thinking and sane today. First Monday at work I have spent like that in awhile. Happy Birthday to me!!!

One thing that Wanda said to me before I left, I am holding it so close. "Some of the bravest people she knows are scared to death." WOW, it speaks volumes to me.

When I do it, I do it big

I have had a bit of a hiatus with my quest to read every book I can put my hands on, well really no not every book, some just do not do it for me. I go through spells where I will read and read and read and then for months not touch a book. Then it will start up again. Right now I am on a three book read at once, well two really, I just finished one. Well, reading only one but listening to another on tape while in the car. I just finished listening to Never Change by Elizabeth Berg, I just love all her works. This one was good, not quite as good as others I have read by her, she never disappoints. I am now listening to Cover the Butter, I forget who writes this one, it is based in England so I am treated to the English accent while I listen to my book. Even if it is trash, it makes me feel more cultured that it is read in that such uppity tone. This one is really good. I am enjoying it so much. I am also reading, yes, really reading The Myth of You and Me. I forget who has written this one too, but, I saw it on Dooce's website. So far so good with it too. I guess the more I read the less time I have to worry about EVERYTHING.

This worry thing, well not worry, anxiety thing I am really ready for it to go the fuck away. It is a vicious cycle with me. I start thinking and then it becomes this circular mess. All leading to me obsessing that we will not have enough money to live in the new house, we will not have money to eat, heat, live or exist. I start worrying and it gets so far out of control. Then I think about my list, where Wanda tells me only worry about today not tomorrow or the next day. And I also think you have worked it out on paper a bazillion times, yes really and each time it works, quit worrying.

I know this must seem like the past million posts on my blog, but this is what I do. I was talking to the lady that does my nails the other day and she was telling me about the one girl that does hair in the salon. She told me that she just got her power cut off again, mind you this is about the 5th yes I said 5th time this has happened. She told me about how this person never has money for her rent, car payment, utilities ect. And this is a month to month thing with this person. We talk about this persons financial issues each time I get my nails done. The other day I sat and said, this is GREAT for me, I sit and worry about things like this that will likely never happen to me and this person is living it and seems to have no worry at all. How does she do it?! How does she keep from cracking up? How the fuck can she live like that? I think I would die. Or put myself insane with worry. Wow, it just floors me.

I used to call my bank multiple times a day to check my balance, it does not change. Really, I would call 5-10 times a day, hear the same damn number over and over, but it had to be done. Yes we have a tad bit of OCD.

Yesterday I got to pick Sydney up from daycare. Scott worked at home trying to get it in some sort of order to try to get it ready to go on the market. I felt so bad for little Miss. It was 6 pm and she was the last one on the baby side of the building. She was there by herself the other room had the light off and all the toys had been disinfected for the day. She was crawling around on the foam hill they have in her room, but just alone. Smiling as big as Christmas at me, showing me the 4 teeth she has, but I felt so sad for her. She was clueless but I still felt like a heel.

She came home, we ate dinner, played and she was in bed before 8 pm. She could stay up later if she would nap longer than 45 min for the WHOLE DAMN DAY. Yes, she is a non-sleeper at school.

Well, lunch is here at work. Kung Pow is calling my name.

The sweetest thing about Halloween

Here she is in all her glory. How can you have a bad day when you see this?

Frustration level, all time high

Where to begin, what to write. I was going to write about work, just too much of my fucking energy has been spent on work today and I DO NOT WANT TO WRITE ABOUT IT. But, I will say one thing. If EVERYONE WOULD DO THE JOB THAT THEY WERE GIVEN, MY LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER AND I WOULD NOT BE IN A BAD MOOD AT WORK. ok, sorry to go off there, but it just really pisses me off that I have to be drug into things when it has gone totally out of control. Fuck, I just do not get it. And these are people I have no fucking control over. I control the people I manage, this expounds past these borders, but because it is a "company" issue, I am involved. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Well, what else to say after that?

Halloween was great. We had friends from St. Louis visit us, they came last year to see us during Halloween too. So, now it is almost tradition! Last year, I had my baby shower the Saturday before Halloween, which was that Sunday. This Halloween I had a baby, a real live baby, one that was able to dress up for Halloween. Sydney was a Hershey's Kiss. She was the cutest damn Kiss I have ever seen. Really. I swear, I have witnesses. I will post photos once I can remember how I did it before and once I can figure out how to make my photos jpg's instead of bmp's or ings, ede's or whatever else they are. I was up till 11 PM on Monday because I had to have photos of her to bring to work. Our damn Kodak printer dock that is not even one YEAR OLD yet is jamming and therefore, no photos. Fuck, that just does not seem right. Remember when we had to take the film to the store and wait a week for shitty 4 x 6 pictures? Once, when I was 15 I waited like 3 weeks for enlargements of my boyfriend and I that I took to K-Mart to have made. I called everyday about those after a week of waiting. I think they were just as glad that I was when they came in. Instant gratification, good, and bad.

Sydney is pulling up and letting go now. She will pull up, let go and stand for moments at a time. It is amazing to watch. I laugh each time and each time she gets longer and longer in the time she can stand without holding on. Soon she will walk, and shit, well I am chaining her to my dogs. She is also about to start living in "fake house." We are getting ready to put our house on the market. Timing could not be worse, because everyone likes to be in showing the home mode when you celebrate the holidays. This overall sucks for me, because, well I hate to fucking clean. I pay people to come to my house every other week to clean I hate doing it so much. I do not live in filth because my husband cleans. But, I am such a man when it comes to housekeeping. I take my clothes off and where they come off, they stay. I will load the dishwasher, I hate to unload it. I love to cook, hate to clean the mess. I love to sleep, but hate to make the bed. I am sure you see where I am on this whole "clean" thing. The realtor told us that someone will not buy your home if you have dirty dishes in the sink or if they can see your dirty laundry basket. SO, where exactly do you put the dirty laundry basket? They look in the closets to check out the closet space. I guess under the bed, fuck I don't know. I just know that keeping my house clean at all times is going to be hell on earth for me.

Oh yes, go ahead and ask. Where do we go if the house sells before the new house is complete.

Mom and Dad's.

3 cats,(theirs), 3 dogs,(ours),1 baby,(ours), 2 parents,(mine), 2 adults(me and husband)...Yeah, still have not figured how all this is going to work. But no choice so it will just HAVE to work. I still have the though, I am fucking crazy. Why is the answer always yes?