One year ago today

One year ago today at this time I was at the mall with my husband. Eating lunch. I had finished up my last minute things at work, I was going to be induced on the 1st. To have the baby that never wanted to leave the womb. You all know her as Sydney. We knew her as "the baby." No sexed baby here, we were going for the full surprise. Boy were we surprised instead. I have spoken of my nose bleed before here. So, I guess I could give the whole story. Here is what I wrote in an e-mail after we got home:

Hello All, I know that Scott promised that I would write as soon as I could. We have been running ourselves ragged since we got home Friday at 5 PM. We are enjoying Sydney beyond our wildest dreams. She is a very good baby. She is jaundice so we are fighting that right now. We are very excited when we get a poopy diaper seeing that is the way everything works out of the body. So the past two days we have been to the Dr. for her. Her numbers seem to be on the decline so that makes us feel better. I went to the Dr. Yesterday to have my staples removed from the C-Section. I am proud to say I am below my babyweight when I weighed in. Seeing that I was on a liquid diet for a day and 1/2 really helped I am sure. But because of this my stomach has shrunk back to the size it was when I had my gastric bypass. Needless to say I am needing to take in more food to be able to provided for Sydney and it has been a real challenge.

I saw the nose doctor today as well. Everything seems to be healing nicely. Long very long story about the impending arrival of Sydney but last Monday afternoon around 4 I bent down to get a pot out of the cupboard. When I stood up my nose was bleeding. Scott was sleeping and I woke him asking him to help me clean up the kitchen floor where the blood was. The blood was coming pretty fast and I told him to call the Dr. He called and the dr. told me to wait an hour before we did anything. The amount of blood was incredible and I started to throw it up because of the volume. Scott called 911 shortly after the call to the Dr. This lead to us going to the hospital where I was to be induced the next morning via ambulance. We spent the whole evening until 1 am in the emergency room. They had to call in an ear nose and throat doctor to try to stop the bleeding. Each attempt failed and the bleeding would start up again. We went through all of the towels in our ER room and I literally was bleeding into a pan. They placed several devices to stop the bleeding in my nose, I was not allowed any pain medication during these procedures because I was pregnant. They were extremely painful and Scott had a very hard time watching all of this happen.

The ear nose and throat Dr. put in a contraption that seemed to help. We were released to the Labor and Delivery ward, seeing I was to be induced the next morning. When I arrived there I was given some medication for pain, thank God. I had this contraption that had to stay in my nose until they felt everything was controlled. It had balloons in it and they were inflated with fluid to apply pressure to the bleed which was in the very back part of the sinus. These after investigation are very rare nose bleeds, and usually the worst ones to have and almost always require medical attention. At 4 am I woke up and pushed myself up in bed and the bleeding started again. At this point all hell broke loose. The nurse was instructed by the ear nose and throat dr to try to inflate the balloons in the tubing more. This causes severe pain. I cannot tell you the pain. He and my OB were on there way to the hospital. Once he arrived he then placed a second tube in the other side of my nose. I have the tubes and will keep them always. Scott cannot stand to see them. The second tube did not help and the bleeding would not stop. The only option was surgery to get the bleeding to stop, but I was pregnant. This led to the emergency C-Section. Scott was told many things that might happen during the surgery due to the blood loss. They pretty much prepared him for the worst. He was not allowed to go into the OR, since we did not go to Labor and delivery we went to the big OR. He kissed me goodbye, I told him I loved him, and they took me in and prepared me for the C-Section. While they were getting things prepared I was listening to the anesthesiologist. The things he was saying I told him he was scaring me. He told me that they all had to talk things through as a plan of action to prepare for whatever might happen during the surgery. He told me not to worry that everything was going to be fine but they had to talk about these things. The prepared me for the cut, I said a prayer to God and asked him to take care of me, I needed to be around for my baby and my husband.

Next thing I know I am waking up and they tell me I have a baby girl. I see Scott and he tells me that once I see her all of the hell I had been through would be well worth it. He was never so right in all of his life. I do feel so bad that Scott did not get to witness the birth of his daughter, but I am ever so grateful that God was with me. The whole ordeal is very surreal I feel like it happened to someone else. I still can see Scott's face when the Dr.'s are telling him all of this information and the shear look of pain. It just kills me to think I was the cause of such worry to him. I cannot express to anyone how lucky I am to have him in my life.

He has been an amazing father. I was not allowed out of bed for the first 24 hours so he was really thrown into fatherhood. He jumped in full force and has not looked back since. Sydney is very lucky to have a Daddy that loves her so much. It has been a time for refection for us all I think. Scott said last Tuesday was the worst day of his life and turned into the best day of his life. I can truly see the truth in that statement. He is a very brave and strong man.

So we are now a happy family of three. Not knowing if something like this could or would ever again happen, Scott told me after I got out of surgery that one child was all our family needed. I have to say, I really agree with that. If we feel we want another in a few years, we can always adopt.

I will send more photos soon. If you visit this link http://www.bhcs.com/additional services/nursery/ (link does not work now)
and choose Baylor Irving as the hospital location, and the date of February 1, you can view her online photo from the hospital.

Talk to you all soon. Tons of love-

Tawny, Scott and Sydney

Here is a link (it is the first photo) that I found that shows what was in my nose the last time the bleeding broke through, by the time I went to surgery I had two of these in my nose fully inflated and crying due to the pain... Scott you don't want to go to the link, you will see the things you HATE.

In so many ways, I cannot believe that a year has past. In so many ways I am so thankful to have my husband, the look on his face when all hell was breaking loose was one that I can never erase from my mind. When he pisses me off to no end, I remember the face that face that says "I must be strong, I must keep from losing it, but tears are streaming out of his eyes out of control." The phone calls he had to make, to my parents. He was ALONE going through this. In hindsight my parents should have come up to the hospital the night I was in the ER. But, who goes to the hospital for a nosebleed? Here I am after surgery and having a baby

Such a vision of I have been through hell. If you can see my fingers look like they are all dirty, that is dried blood, I was covered.

Here is a photo of the Star after she was born, before I got to see her:


She is with her Gran-Gran. I don't think I was around when these photos were taken, I know my Mom and Scott got to see her before I did. This could be after I was back in my room, as you can see I really have no clue!

Here is a photo of her this weekend with her Mommy:



And one of her in her front yard looking at the pretty flowers:


I like to call this one Shit Eating Grin. So much of her Mommy in her I tell you.

Tomorrow is your day Baby Girl. This year has been one of discovery for your Momma. When someone tells you a child is something you do not know that you need until you have one, they are so right. I never knew what the fuss was about, but thinking of my life without you seems impossible now. I never knew I had what it takes to be a Momma, and having you has allowed me to discover that I am good at the one thing that scared the living hell out of me. You and I make a great team, even when you are pulling my hair and scratching me and trying to bite me. I understand you more than I understand myself.

Of all the things that cause me such panic and anxiety in my life, raising you has never brought on these feelings. I feel comfortable in this role, one that before I had you I struggled to let myself come into. I was afraid of losing sense of myself, but without having you I truly am nothing.

I love you Sydney Renee'. More than peanut butter and chocolate, more than coffee, more than myself. I am good because of you, you make me want to be better each and every day. I love your Daddy more because of you. I love our family of three, this year with you has been magical and I cannot wait for your next trick.

Just like us

Oprah gets duped. The headlines are screaming about how she feels "betrayed" by author Frey and his book A Million Little Pieces. I have to say to Oprah "Welcome to the club!" Here is your name tag, mingle, and make sure to grab a drink at the bar. Feel like a fool do ya? I have to say this is the way I felt after finding out that The Blair Witch Project was fake. I watched that Sci-Fi channel special they were running, buying in because it was on T.V. it HAD to be real. Now, I am not so easily swayed, at least I hope I am not. I always check e-mail forwards for accuracy via Snopes to assure accuracy. If the e-mail seems to contain valuable info I will pass it along, I believe in keeping myself informed.

I guess what gets me in this whole duped thing is such earth shattering news. I guess I am not doing much better myself blogging about it, keeping it alive and well. I guess no one ever told Oprah "buyer beware." And my real question here is "why the fuck does it matter?" Has anyone been harmed because Frey expounded on his drug addiction. So his "moral" character has now been put into question? Pardon me but aren't most drug addicts moral character question from time to time, even recovering addicts? I happened to be watching Oprah months ago when she announced that her book club was back and A Million Little Pieces was her new text of choice. I like so many million other women put it on my list of reads. I have yet to get to read this book, I have it on reserve at the library and I want to listen to the audio version, I think I am 9th in line and I have had it reserved since December. I do still plan on listening to this book, no matter if it is truth or not. I guess for Frey he should have promoted his book as fiction but as we all have been taught in creative writing there is always some "truth" in all fiction. Then the roles might be reversed. Oprah could be touting this person as a great fiction writer who has taken portion of his own life and placed them in his work.

Welcome to the club Oprah, I like to call it, the "Buyer Beware" club. This month we will be discussing The Blair Witch Project, hope you enjoy your time with us.

Toes

This is one of those photos that capture time in your heart. This was before the holidays I think, but I just had to get both of our feet. She gets her toes done every two weeks since she was 4 weeks old. I may be creating a monster in doing this, but at least she will have a damn fine pedicure.

I'm gonna say it's S-O-L-D

Well, everything just fell into place yesterday like it was meant to be. Strange how things work when they are meant to be they just fall into place perfectly. SO, I am saying that we have sold our house. We are in the 10 day waiting period that allows the perspective buyers to back out, but it shows up to realtors that we have a contract pending. After the 10 days it goes into contract phase and we are OFF THE MARKET BABY!!! NO MORE SHOWINGS! I have to say being on the market for a little over a month I think we did a damn fine job. My house looks so freaking clean. Our new home has a frame and the 2nd story should be done today in the framework. This part goes really fast and then all of a sudden it will slow to a snails pace. The buyers of our current home cannot move in until mid March. We are set to close at the end of February but we will lease the house from them to stay in the house until they can move in. Works good for them because the house does not sit empty and works nice for us because we get about 3 more weeks to move our shit to storage. That means we ony have to live with my parents for less than 30 days. Nicely done. I just hope it all sticks but I have a good feeling about it. The money is solid from the buyers and we don't have to pay their closing which is NICE!

Last night I was looking for some documentation I have to send to the title company. I stumbled upon photos of the dirt our house now sits on. We were one of the first houses in the phase of our neighborhood. It really made me feel sad that we are now leaving. I knew I would have emotional ties to the house and when we take our last walk around getting the last bit of our stuff out I know I will cry. This is the first house I had my name on. Scott and I worked really hard to buy this house. To me it is my first step into adulthood. We lived here for a good almost 8 years when we move. Our neighbors have become more than friends they are part of our family. I will miss the house but I will not get over missing our neighbors, I wish we could move them along with our stuff. Granted our new neighborhood is surrounded with so many couples with children, young ones like Syd, it will be nice to have people around that have same aged children. Right now we really do not have that. This new neighborhood fits us better with Syd and it is more family oriented. But it does not make it easy to leave the friends that we have made. Our neighbor across the street moved in about 8 months before we did. We got to know him before we even broke ground on our house. I remember Scott making a comment about the corvette that sat in his garage. Boy, now to see this person drive a black astro van and think it is the bomb, no he does not have kids, he is single as the day is long. He has installed an "Air Ride" system on his Astro Van and can make it ride extremely low to the ground. I do not get it at all but I am told that it is cool...whatever.

I will miss him probably the most. Plus I live across the street from my high school. Mind you they have a new and improved high school bigger than the one I went to, but to know that I can stand outside during football season and hear the school song it really nice. It is a very small high school, but it feels big in my heart. You would think I would have been to tons of games, but no. I do happen to point out when I am in the school to the trophy case. My photo is featured along with the other team mates of mine. Still a big fish in a small pond, now just an old woman holding on to her high school glory days.

And then there is Kim. Kim, I have mentioned before. She and her family moved away right before Halloween. She is my blog buddy. She is my a lot of things buddy. Kim is my personal cheerleader. Probably besides Scott, and my parents, Kim loves me just about as much as they do. I wish I could re-arrange the states and move the one she moved to closer. Who really needs Oklahoma right over Texas anyway?! We talk on the phone about every two weeks or so, sometimes more sometimes less, but it is like she never left. I just miss that we cannot erase the time and keep each other more in tune to what is going on. It seems at times our husbands are cut from the same annoying cloth. We love them to pieces but want to kill them a lot of the times. It just helps to know that I am not alone.

We both decided last night to move to an island with just us and the kids. I told her at times when we are so frustrated I understand why women turn lesbian. Men and women think differently and if you think I am lying, have a child. Your idea and his ideas will differ, but mine nor his is the right way. As long as we both get to the finish line with a productive individual in society I think we both win. But boy oh boy, how we get there will sure be a challenge. This is when it helps to have Kim. She validates me, and I her. We fit and I am so glad I found her.

Oh Bother!!!

Just because she is so damn cute. Mind you she can change from cute to hell-on-wheels in .005 seconds...she is just so talented that way.

My address is.........

OK, I fear this post because I am afraid if I post this all will come tumbling to an end and we will be back at square one. But, well we have a very nice offer on our house, we countered and seems that what we have asked is do-able to all parties involved and we quite possibly could have sold our house. This being said, February is going to be one hell of a month. Never mind we will have to pack the whole house to go into storage, never mind that Syd's party is the first weekend of this month, never mind that the whole family, (grandparents included) will be gone for 10 days of this month out of town. WOW, this is going to get messy. Really the whole packing and moving stuff to storage is the least bit of my worries, I can pack and shove and throw out without a problem. I did just envision the attic and that is a bit scary. But the livable portion of our house has been stripped to the bare minimum that packing it is no real chore.

So, we will be living with my parents until new house is finished. My projection is that about 40-45 days we will be living with them. This is not too bad, it could be 90 days! The only real issue is that my parents have cats, 3 of them and we have dogs, 3 of them. The cats are wild, ferrel rescue cats that are very timid around people and the dogs just might drive them insane, more than they act already. Plus, Scott is very allergic to cats. The only option I see is that he go to the Dr. and get on some high powered drugs to allow him to survive for the days we will be living in the cat house. Things will be very different for those days. Then we move, 10 miles away from my parents. I have a feeling after living with them, my Dad is going to have the hardest time not having Sydney living with him. He has been having issues of us moving SO far away. It is funny to me, and so truly sweet that it makes me cry.

Address change, gotta remember that too, we will change it for our brief stay and then have to change it again! Oh, thank God for bill pay via computer. I better start making a list. When can I cancel the electric, water, phone and all the other "things" so we are not paying for it? Yes, better make a list. And get more boxes...

Let the planning begin

Yesterday I made my weekend Wal-Mart run. While I was there I had to pick up a few things for Sydney and her 1st birthday. I found this. I cannot tell you how excited I am to use this sucker. I don't know if she or I love bubbles more. I am planning on taking it to her school on her birthday so all the little ones can play in the myriad of bubbles. I have to say her being the age she is, shopping for her birthday and Christmas was not that hard because you could put her presents right in the cart and she had not a freaking clue what I was doing. I know next year I will have to do shopping without said child.

I never made the "formal" birthday annoucements that I planned on. I did it the cheap way, I did the Evite. I feel like a shit for doing it this way, but Mommy was in crisis mode and could not pull her shit together to get them out in time. Truth being, if you don't make them, they still get older you just look like the shitty parent. At least she will not remember that I did not do this. She is born in the computer age, so it is only right that her birthday invites go out via e-mail. Yeah right keep telling yourself that!!

What will we be doing for the big day? Well, besides eating cake, I have no clue. I wanted to grill out, but we are under a burn ban for the state, no grilling allowed so it might be pizza. In all likelihood I will go to Costco, buy the plethora of appetizer's that they offer in the frozen food area and heat that up. I did not invite any children to this party, like 1 yr olds are going to care or want to be at this party, the 1st birthday is always for the parents anyway!! Hopefully the people who do have kids will bring them with but not many of them live around us. So, Syd will be sitting back with her Daddy's friends sipping some Bud Light and having a grand time eating cake. Probably will be the extent of the celebration, oh and the bubble machine.

This weekend was so out of sorts. It started on Friday right before 5 I got a call, we have an offer on the house. Our realtor called me and it rolled right to my voice mail, that really pisses me off. Never mind that all freaking day on Friday 5 out of the 7 phone lines for my work were down. We also lost the fax, and DSL line, seems that some shit head decided to vandalize the phone lines in the area and 1200 people were without phone service. I did the best I could with forwarding the lines to the open ones but the business for the day really fell to an extremely low level. Even with all that I did, some of the calls never got through. Plus, my boss was out of town and whatever I did was not the totally right thing to do in the situation. I had just about had it by the end of the day and there was really nothing else I could do, I am not nor will I ever claim to be Verizon.

Anyway, offer on house, translation, they want us the seller to give them, the buyer everything. I guess they are so new to the situation that the concept of us "making money" on the deal escaped them. I was told not to freak a lot of people low ball on the first offer. Scott and I sat down and came up with what we thought was fair on a counter. We called our realtor, he and I talked. He asked if I wanted to hear his suggested offer, I did of course. I mean, hell this is his job and all and I have never sold a freaking house. His offer was much more hard nosed than the one that Scott and I had come up with. I told him, well, I like what you are proposing here so go with that. Never telling him what we had discussed ourselves. Hell, let him do the work he is getting paid to do it.

We have not heard back from our counter offer. I was also told that another individual was interested in the house on Friday too. No formal offer came over but a number was stated. The same counter was sent to him as well. We did have 3 2nd showings this weekend too, so hopefully we will have a solid offer that everyone can live with from someone soon. I also informed the realtor that there is to be no showings on the 4th of February since that is the day we will be celebrating Sydney's birthday. We have never told someone no about a showing so I do not feel bad about this. Even the fuckers that wanted to see the house last night between 6-7 PM...dinner had to be made people... Thankfully, I made my chili at my parents house 1 mile away and took it home when the showing was over.

I know, your just dying to know, are you better? Am I still in crying jags about Syd turning 1. Today no. I saw the Dr. on Thursday about my meds, keeping me under close supervision and I am thankful for that. We have upped the one again, seeing that I have lost one of the 13 pounds I have gained. He states that the weight should not just keep coming on and that my body should stabilize. So we cranked the dose back up by 1/2 again. I have to say I am thankful for that, I was getting anxious again and I was not liking the feeling because I had been without it. Mind you when I don't feel anxious it is like I have lost something. But well, me being that way is not best for me or my family. I have upped the dose and I feel better and I am not eating like there is no end like before. I hope things just remain on an even keel and I can have somewhat of a normal life. ha-ha! I go back in 6 more weeks for a weight check just to keep things on record in case something strange happens. I am still working with Wanda on re-directing my thoughts in not jumping to the worst case senario each freaking time to freak my shit out. It is a chore and sometimes I am exhausted in fighting with myself.

Sometimes does it just seem like I am so totally fucked in the head?! I feel it at times.

Saturday-

Saturday, Scott and I had a much needed adult night. We went for sushi, I am now officially addicted to sushi. This stuff is freaking amazing. The flavors you get when mixing the different food combinations. Now, I guess someone could get pretty picky with me, I do not eat raw seafood. Sorry, I have tried it, tuna and very very very rare tuna, the consistency is not to my liking. But sushi with tempura shrimp, scallops, and soft shell crab wow, the bomb! Crawfish with spicy sauce, wonderful. It was great. Scott told me to pick where we were to eat. I just knew he was never going to let me pick again. He was a bit reluctant, but after I explained that it was going to be really good and to trust me, he did great. We ordered WAY too much, but it all was great, he admitted it was better than he thought and even said he would eat it again. One thing I loved about the night out, the meal took forever to prepare and we had a lot of time to just talk, no television or other things to distract us. It was good for both of us. Times like that I am able to look back and see what hell I have put my spouse through this year and how thankful I am to have someone as strong as him to stand by me and help me at my lowest point. He says I am strong, but in the strength I show it comes from the strength he gives me through his love.

After sushi, we went to Barnes and Noble and got a few books for Syd's birthday. I love the markdown table when you find an author you read and the hard cover is less than $ 6.00, what a bonus day for me!! We got coffee and shared a dessert, it was a great night.

The Mommy Meltdown

I just got done viewing photos of my friend Kim's, Little Man's first haircut. I sat at my computer bawling like no tomorrow. Scott came in and I had to show him the photos. I cried because the photos I saw were of this Little Boy not the baby that moved away a few short months ago. Who had just started to toddle around and now he is this real Little Man. I cry because if he is getting older then she is too and it is killing me. Sydney turns 1 in less than two weeks. I have yet to make one damn invitation, I think if I prolong it, it will not happen. I want to continue to refer to her age in months. I joked a few weeks ago about parents saying their children are 18-24-36 months. I know now why they do that, it allows them to stay babies longer. Then they are not growing up. You can keep them longer. I stand in my kitchen crying that I don't want her to turn 1, I want my baby to stay where she is right now, I want her to remain the toddler she has blossomed into the past month. I want the moo's and baa's and ball speak we get. I want her to bring a book and throw it at my feet telling me read it again because the last 485 times have not been enough. Her first college paper will be on Happy Baby Colors, and she will bring Mama in to recite the book word for word.

I have a photo my Dad took of Sydney and I three days after I came home from the hospital. Sydney was 5 days old and I am holding this baby, I told my Mom today the caption on that photo should be "Clueless." I had no freaking clue what the hell I was doing. I was so drugged up on pain meds and still trying to adjust to my ever changing body. I see that photo today and think, Damn we have come so far! I still walk around feeling clueless at times but I am so much more confident in my cluelessness. I do not claim to have all the answers, I never will, but I just went moment by moment. And soon a week had passed, then a month, and then I was going back to work leaving her home for a month with a sitter. My heart was ripped out of my chest as I drove down the road. I felt like a failure and a cheat. I felt like I was leaving her on the side of the road to fend for herself. I knew she was going to do amazing things I would miss them. I hated myself for what I had to do. Today she goes to her day care, and when it is time for her to go home, she throws a MAJOR fit. It crushes her Daddy, he told me tonight, "She used to get all excited to see me, now she ignores me hoping I will go away so she can stay!" I can just hear her saying in her head, "If I ignore him, he will not exist and disappear!"

She turns 1, I have a meltdown. Fuck 16 is probably just going to kill me. Someone tell me where the hell the time went.

I truly never knew I could love something as much as I love her. The love I feel for her hurts in my chest at times. I can look at her and her smile can bring tears to my eyes. Her laughter can make me sob with joy. She is so perfect in every way. I just wish I could bottle her up and keep her just the way she is right now. I know tomorrow and the next day she will be even more enjoyable, but right now, I just want to freeze the moment.

Sushi, Pork Bar-B-Que, Old Friends and Puke

I am happy to report we returned home all 4 of us safely yesterday afternoon. I am EXHAUSTED from the trip. I was never so happy to sleep in my own bed. The trip to Little Rock went off without a hitch. Syd chugged her bottle with Benadryl that I fixed and once we were up in the air she was out like a light. We had tons of walking to do from the parking garage to our terminal and she rode in her new smaller stroller like a champ. I don't think 4 people could pack more shit to go on a trip though. We had 6 bags plus a stroller and a car seat. The three adults packed it all around and we all got pretty creative in ways to carry a car seat on suitcases. I took a copy of Syd's birth certificate, I have seen my fair share of "Airline" on A & E. I had the conversation with my Mom, her never seeing the show and she said, they can definitely tell she is younger than 2! I told her yes I am sure that they can, but she is big and better safe than sorry. First question asked by the ticket counter agent, "Do you have a copy of her birth certificate?" I produced said copy and my Dad asked, "How did you know to bring that?" I looked at him and said "I watch a lot of T.V." ticket agent looks at me and says "A & E?" I respond with "Yes, Ma'mam." Getting through security the first time was easy in the sense none of us got pulled, but getting all that shit in the plastic tub, shoes off, stroller collapsed, jacket off, cell phone in bucket, purse in bucket, oh and carry the baby through, when we got through I was ready for a nap.

Our rental car arrangements were fine, we were on the road leaving the airport at noon on the dot, just as I figured we would. We stopped and ate lunch and my dear daughter packed down so many cooked carrots I swore she was going to turn orange. She also ate greens, they were very tasty I must say, and I was so proud of her. Her overall disposition was fantastic, she rolled with the strange schedule and was the perfect child. We drove around while she slept, I saw my childhood home again from the age of 6 to 16. It is always so strange going back, it looked smaller than I ever could remember and all the other houses looked the same way. I know that is normal but it still floors me. After we took the tour of looking at the past, we went to my best friends Mother's house to wait for her to get off of work. We had a good visit with her Mom, Sydney got to play with trains, seems my best friends boys are into trains. Everyone arrived and we made plans for dinner, her two boys, her husband, me, Syd and my parents. Syd spent a lot of time watching these wild boys that she was now surrounded by. The oldest being 4 and the youngest 18 months. Syd was a little intimidated at first but by the end of the weekend she was holding her own, even with the 4 yr old. Deep down inside I was cheering when she grabbed his nose when he came up to her and growled really loud in her face. She just gave him a look like "WTF is up with you?"

Saturday my parents took Syd to visit friends and show her off. We were able to take the boys over to their Grandmere's (as they call her, very French) and we drove past Grandpere's gravesite, well not site, he is in a mausoleum. We talked about him a lot, I found out about his final days. He asked for a St. Joseph's metal, he is the Saint that is for a happy death. I having no clue about this and neither did my friend. She said her Mom was able to locate one and they were able to have a Priest bless it for Pastor Phil. That being said, we pretty much assumed that he knew that it was the beginning of the end. Many times we talked and cried, but much more than anything else, we laughed about the things we remembered of her Dad. Joking about his fashion sense, or lack thereof. Her one son, the 4 yr old placed a quarter he had in his pocket in with his Grandpere, her Uncle left him with a small bottle of scotch.

Saturday evening since we were all child-free, we went to The Peabody Hotel, I wanted to see the Peabody Ducks. They had worked their full day, so we were able to go see them in their penthouse on the roof of the hotel. I got Syd a shirt, that was the main purpose of going. It was nice to see the Memphis skyline me remembering a lot of 4th of July's of fireworks on the riverbanks and Memphis in May celebrations I attended as a child. The child-free people we were we decided to have an adult meal so we went for Sushi. I like Sushi, just not the raw stuff. This stuff was great, I even had eel! No raw stuff for them either but the sushi we had was fantastic and quite frankly I have been craving it ever since.

That evening we all stayed up late talking, Syd woke about midnight crying, not a norm for her. I went up and tried rubbing her back and she just cried more. I almost laid down with her in the bed I was sleeping in but figured I will just take her downstairs with me. She fell asleep on my chest and we continued to talk, all of a sudden she woke up and started to puke all over me. I just laid there telling her it was O.K. and her poor little body was just heaving up everything she had eaten that day. She was upset afterwards and kept spitting trying to get the yucky taste out of her mouth. I felt so bad for her, I just held her and rocked with her. She again woke to more heaving, this time very little content but still upsetting. After that round, she really looked much better and her behavior never seemed to show that she felt bad. We finally all went to bed around 2:30 AM. Syd slept in the room I was in and she had a few more bouts of dry heaving. The next morning I got the diaper end of it. I had to give her a bath, well my dear Mom did. She seemed better and really wanted to have something to drink. I tried watered down milk and any time milk hit her stomach it came right back out. Solids like bananas and crackers she was fine with, but stay away from the milk!

That evening we had the World Famous Memphis BBQ. It was great. I tried to get Syd to have a bit, telling her that BBQ brisket that Texas touts as the best is crap compared to Pork BBQ. She was not into the moment and very tired. I got her down for the night around 10:30 PM, milk still coming up when we tried.

Yesterday she could handle watered down milk, but not really wanting any of it. She was not very hungry all day and seemed that she was feeling better but still not 100%. We are going to the Dr. today because during this whole time her nose started to produce green stuff..AGAIN. and we just finished the new antibiotic last week!!! She also was messing with her ears again. Will this ear thing ever end?! She did puke up some formula last night before bed, I am hoping that today we have better luck with dairy staying down.

We had a really good time, the plane ride back I was not able to get her to take her bottle so she was not drugged on the Benadryl like on the plane ride over. She was a bit fussy but fell asleep on my Mom about 10-15 min before we landed. I am glad that we made the trip, I hate the circumstances we had to go for. Death is hard for everyone and I told her she is living my worst nightmare. She like myself is an only child. We know one day we will have to part with our parents, it never is the right time. She has done a wonderful job in helping her Mom cope, and dealing with her loss as well. I only hope I can conduct myself with as much grace as she has during this time.

I am glad to be home, back as a family of three. I have to say our house is very quiet compared to a house with 2 young boys. I have solidified my thoughts of not wanting more children after spending the weekend with 3 of them. My one seems like a cake walk verses trying to keep track of three of them. I missed my Husband dearly. I know he missed too. I was grateful to have my parents there to help me with Syd, although she was perfect even when she was sick. I could not have asked for a better child. This weekend I got to cuddle her and love on her, she many times would leave someone and come over to me and say "Mama." It just melted my heart and made me feel like I had made it to true "Mama" status. I can proudly say, my child threw-up all over my chest and I never once doubted my ability to care for her or keep from throwing up myself. I wondered if I would get the "no-gag-mama-reflex" like I have seen on so many other Mothers. I so would have taken the stomach virus myself for a 4th time to prevent her from suffering, but life does not work that way.

Now, if the day could pass a bit faster, I am dying to get some sleep, early sleep tonight...PLEASE!

Duhhhh...

I am so having a blonde moment. Yesterday I over slept because the mixture of NyQuil and my anti-anxiety meds put me in a coma. I woke at the time I should be leaving Syd's school on my way to work. Let me also remind you of my post last week about having a meeting at work asking my employees to GET TO WORK ON TIME. I just knew this was going to happen. Anyway, I was AMAZINGLY only 25 min. late. I still cannot figure out how I pulled that one off. Well, I have been in a panic since last night because I have to take the NyQuil to sleep because right before I go to bed, my nose has decided to clog up and I cannot breathe worth a shit. So, this morning I get up, get ready and get all the luggage out to the kitchen. Get the bags labeled, lock the dogs up and look at the clock. We are to leave at 7 am, it is 5:45am. Well, I am not late!! So, I sit and stall, blog, and wait till 6:30 or so to wake up sleeping beauty to get her ready for her big trip.

I am anxious as all hell. I need some meds but I want to wait until my parents get here so I can have backup to help me with Syd. It is amazing what medication does to people who need it, this stuff makes me a bit tired but what it does is makes me able to function without feeling like a cat that is ready to jump out of its skin.

This weekend is going to be a tiring one, I know many parts will be emotional. Seeing my friend and her mom, seeing them without Pastor Phil, knowing that this puzzle now is missing a piece. Seeing old friends and people who watched me grow. Now going back with my own child. I said all my life until the past 3 years or so that I would NEVER have children. When I told people we were pregnant and we were trying to have a baby, I had a lot of people say they just figured I would never do it. Me too, it was a hard decision for me and one I did not take lightly. Now, I cannot imagine NOT having Sydney, but there was a time in my life that having children ranked right up there with root canals.

My heart is breaking because Scott will be home alone this weekend. This will give him time to do his boy stuff, play X-Box, Playstation 27 or whatever one they have out now. Read the fishing forum posts and trade Yo-Mamma jokes, ESPN until his eyes fall out of his head, sleep until he wakes up not me telling him someone is calling him. But, thing being, I know he is so sad and probably will have a hard time enjoying anything because Syd is gone with me. I hope he can find fun in the weekend and realize that before he knows it we will be home and I will whole heartedly pass her off to her Daddy!!!

Have a great weekend, I will post when I get back from Memphis.

The verge of panic

I hate to fly. So much so I have to take Xanax to get into the airport. You laugh, but really I panic so much on an airplane I have to try so hard to keep from standing up and screaming "WE ALL ARE GOING TO DIE!" Yes, that is the way I feel the whole time I am on a plane. I flew a ton when I was a child, I took many trips across country from Memphis to California by myself. I never felt a panic and loved the whole time, I flew to Europe twice in my teenage years, so this is not like I am not used to the situation. My first marriage on our honeymoon we went to Disney World and then a cruise to the Bahamas. On our flight home from Orlando to St. Louis, we landed on an icy landing strip. We were in the back of the plane seated on the row that is right in front of the engines. We came in fast, too fast I knew, and I am sitting next to the window and FIRE SHOOTS OUT OF THE FUCKING ENGINE......NO LIE

The only time in my life that I saw my life flash before my eyes. Tears start in my eyes, all I can think is "I have not had time to be a good wife." Which now looking back on that whole marriage is such a LAUGH! Anyway, I am freaked beyond belief I felt the heat of the fire on my face I kid you not, the flight attendants are just carrying on like nothing is wrong, I think one was laughing at me. Since we were at the back of the plane we were one of the last people off the plane. By the time we got off the plane the new flight crew of pilots were already on board. I did not know this at the time, so when we get up front I look at the pilot and co-pilot and say "Thanks for the fireworks on the landing!" They chuckle and say "Oh that was not us, that was the other flight crew." I am not amused, the whole time we walk into the terminal I am freaking out saying, "You could not pay me enough to get back on a plane that shoots fire out the engines!!" My husband at the time was just focused on getting my ass out of the airport. So, from that point on I have this fear of flying. Come to find out fire out of the engines is NORMAL. Pilots will do this if their landing approach is too fast and it is the fastest way to slow the plane down, they backfire the engines henceforth the fire. I found this out after telling many people my "flight horror story." I still to this day have a hard time accepting that. At least the pilot could have come on and said sorry for the drama, everything is fine.

So, we fly for 1 hour tomorrow. For that one hour I will have my Xanax about 2 hours before departure, sometimes I have to take it the night before because the anxiety gets to be too much. We flew to Ft. Lauderdale this past summer like we do every year, I fly every year, I just wished my fear would go away. Still there and today I can feel the anxiety in just getting through the day. I am anxious in a good way to go on the trip to see old friends, but the added bonus of flying causes me to teeter on the edge of a panic attack. Plus I have a ton of things to get done today at work, that is why I am blogging here at work! And at home, I still have to pack for myself and Miss Sydney. Plus I need to get a copy of her birth certificate, she is not even 1 yet but I refuse to be one of the people on "Airline" that is fighting about the age of my child. (Yes, we are flying Southwest. And no, we cannot fly to Memphis on Southwest directly thank you Wright Amendment.) She is tall, Mommy is 6' 1" and Daddy is 6' 4". The child has no hope of ever looking her age....

So, keep me in your thoughts because tomorrow morning for 1 hour I will be in my worst fear senario on a plane in the air, still not understanding how the thing does not keep from falling from the sky. Don't give me that whole scientific explanation, I just know what I know and to me it seems impossible that it happens.

Anyway-
We had another house showing last night. This caused us to have to eat dinner out for the evening. I thought for sure my Husband would have blogged about the drama of last night. I just knew the evening was going to end with him back in the Emergency Room because he bit his tongue so hard at dinner that it poured blood for 2 1/2 hours. No lie. Luckily at around 9:30 PM it stopped after having him hold direct pressure on it for a total of 25 minutes. It was one ugly ass bite. It kind of reminded me of my nose bleed almost a year ago. Same sink full of blood, someone puking blood that they had swallowed, no end in site of the blood to stop. So glad the circumstances were different and the outcome was less dramatic. I felt like utter shit yesterday, I am sick again...Sinus shit like everyone else in the world. I was not very helpful I felt like trash and every part of my body wanted to crawl into bed and sleep. Thankfully he was able to forgo the trip to the ER, the $ 50.00 cover charge is getting old.

Resolutions for others

I just got this in an e-mail. I liked it so much I decided to share. Hopefully everyone has not already read this one:


RESOLUTION #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

RESOLUTION #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window, unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

RESOLUTION #3: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

RESOLUTION #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. Don't buy it. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

RESOLUTION #5: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out ho w to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

RESOLUTION #6: The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread oooh, you're a huge asshole! Resolve to order a latte and get the hell out of there!

RESOLUTION #7: Easy on the customer! I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, No, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

RESOLUTION #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

RESOLUTION #9: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

RESOLUTION #10: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

RESOLUTION #11: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

RESOLUTION #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

I can so get into these!

On another note, I am trying to construct in my head a catchy little poem or something for Sydney's 1st Birthday invitation that I am going to print out. So far everything I have come up with just is not working for me. Any closet writers out there that would like to offer there musings? I promise to give you full credit on the finished work. Come on people lets let the creativity fly!

Three weeks from tomorrow...ALREADY?!

Tomorrow will be three weeks until Sydney turns gasp, gulp, tear.....one. I say this in the smallest voice possible because I am so hoping the days DRAG on. I so hope I never see the mountain that is one for her. I so want to take this past year and put it in a bottle and never let us pass this major milestone. I know it is just a freaking number but, the year as all Mothers know has F-L-O-W-N by. To some extent I still think I should be pregnant, Lord knows I am so glad that I am not, I love having MY body back thank you. But 1?! Come on! No it cannot be true. My parents are counting down the days because it means we can turn the car seat around. I have been voted to have the worst car seat around. It time and time again, if you are not careful with pinch the living shit out of Sydney and she will scream and cry. It has the ability to make you feel like the worst person in the world because you HURT.HER.FOR.NO.REASON, you TERRIBLE BEING YOU!!! I don't think turning the fucker around will make it easier, I have gotten to be pretty savvy at getting her in her seat because I do it everyday. I am pretty fast too. I also have seems to master the way to buckle her in without pinching her. This after I think 4 times doing it and feeling like the lowest piece of shit around. Everyone has done it at least once, when someone new does it I tell them, so she will get over it don't worry. Yeah it pinches her and she gets a little bruise but all of us have done it, don't worry she won't scream for long. I know the person still is feeling like shit, and I try to take the guilt away by telling them it is really ok she will live and forget it in 5 minutes or so.

The first time I did it, my parents were there and my Dad looked at me and asked "Did you pinch her?!" My Mom was there too and she looked at my Dad and asked "Why would she pinch her baby?!" Of course this making me feel even worse, I have to admit yes I did pinch her and this seat is a bitch to operate. It just goes downhill from there. I just hope she can go the next 3 weeks without getting the shit pinched out of her one last time before we turn the fucker around. I don't see how turning it around is going to prevent the pinching but everyone in my family thinks it will. Not me, I know it is the damn seat.

So, 1. What is more amazing than her turning 1 is that we did it. I just remember the overwhelming feeling the afternoon we got home from the hospital. I kept thinking, I know nothing about raising a child, why did they let me leave with this little tiny small person who depends on me for EVERYTHING. I think the combination of lack of sleep, pain medicine, and shock of having this baby was what kept me from losing my shit. I think back about it today and I can pretty much assure you I won't be doing it again. I loved each moment, but once was enough for me.

No feedback

Our house has shown a total of 6 times now since it has been on the market. We had two showings on Saturday, one yesterday. Seeing now that the holidays are over the traffic has picked up, but we have not gotten any feedback. I have never sold a house myself in my life so I do not know if this is normal, or if our house is so unappealing that they have no comments. I do not believe the 2nd to be true though. I look at the house and think it is lovely, but hell I bought it so I guess that goes without saying. I also think the traffic to see the house is a bit low also, but like I said I have no knowledge of how this whole "thing" works. Hopefully this weekend will be a high traffic weekend, seeing that Syd and I will be gone it will be easier on the whole situation. Yesterday we had a showing right in the middle of the afternoon and her whole schedule was messed up. She refused to nap and screamed for an hour each time we tried to put her down. Needless to say she went to bed at 6:30 pm last night and fell asleep very fast. You could look at her and see how tired she was, but she was not giving up the fight.

I lost her yesterday in our house. We were getting ready to leave for the showing and Scott walked outside to pull the car out. She was in the hallway and by the time I made it to look for her she was gone. It was only a matter of moments and she had disappeared. I checked each room no Syd, I was calling and calling, quite as can be. I thought possibly Scott took her with him, looked in the utility room and there she was trying to lock the dogs in their cages. I guess she knows that when Mommy says "go to bed" doggies get locked in their pens. It was really cute. She also tried to scratch my face, twice, when she was throwing a I-have-had-no-nap-today-fit. That was not so cute. It takes a lot of self control on my part to not scream, "THAT REALLY HURTS...S-T-O-P!!" But, we are trying that don't raise your voice, say no calmly so we do not feed into the behavior. That also drives me batty. I so want to scream and yell and throw myself down like some other girl who lives in my house, but I am the Mommy and I have to BEHAVE...boo.

It seems that all of a sudden, she is doing everything at once. The past few weeks we have been saying Moo when we see a picture of a cow, or when she is asked what a cow says. And last weekend she started Baa when we asked about a sheep. Yesterday she identified her Elmo's eye's as "ball" and now she carries the ball her Daddy had when he was a baby and says "ball, ball, ball." She will say Pop-Pop, but she is very quite when she does, it melts my heart when she says it, and I know it is going to bring a tear to my Dad's eye when he hears her say it. They will have all weekend to play together so hopefully she will perform for everyone in Memphis. I will probably have mute baby on my hands.

Tolerant of the stupids

Yesterday after a fun filled day at the emergency room, I had an appointment with Wanda. Seems that while I am in said appointment my cell phone rings two times, past the time of 5 pm and it is work calling. Mind you because of my emergency room day, I did not get to attend my heaven on earth called work. They went the whole freaking day without bothering me and at 5:45 pm I get two phone calls about stupid fucking shit. Shit that should have been done earlier in the fucking day, but I was not there to hold hands and make sure it was done. The conclusion Wanda came to last night during our visit was that I need to increase my tolerance of stupid people. When I am at work and I am surrouned by The Stupids, I am pretty tolerant. I am very quite, I work and answer questions as they surface, I help in areas where attention is needed, but there are a few people that I manage that think I am the biggest bitch in the world. Why? Because they are stupid. I have no tolerance for stupid people and I just have to remain very quite or I will lose it on them and it will not be pretty. I do not mind helping people, but my first rule is try to help yourself first, are you TRYING? Or are you being stupid because you know someone else will do it for you? I am a bitch because I MAKE THEM DO THEIR JOB. I expect them to show up on time and do the work they are assigned. What a whore I am.

Now, I have to take time out of my day and have a meeting about SHOWING UP TO WORK ON TIME. What a bitch I am, don't ever work for me, it is no fun.

Happy New...oh shit whatever!

No really Happy New Year everyone. I have been so out of the bloggin' loop the past few days, as my adorable husband posted last week, my play day was shit canned thanks to the 3rd, yes I said 3rd stomach flu virus shit I have gotten in 2005. I don't know if I was making up for all the years I have not acquired one or what, but damn, give me a freaking break here. I woke, yet again at 3 AM on Friday morning, feeling achy and just not right. Took some tylenol pm because I felt like shit and could not sleep. I had a fever no doubt and I get delirious when I have a fever and dream some weird shit. I was dreaming about road construction that my company does and it was just all freaky and shit. Anyway, by the time hubby kissed me good-bye later that morning I knew I was down. I managed to get myself up, dressed acceptable enough to take Syd to day care, and got her dressed and off we went. I took a Wal-Mart bag with me because I knew I was going to hurl. No hurlage thank goodness but I doped myself up with Nyquil, because it is the best medicine when you have a cold or flu according to all the damn television commercials. And slept, and slept until 2 PM when the realty company called and said they wanted to show our house between 2:15 and 3:15. So, I dressed in what I could get away with, made the bed, put the dogs in their cages and drove across the street and sat in my car and waited until they showed the house and left. I was home by 2:30, but still felt like shit, so back to bed. Saturday I was better, but still had "issues" and a fever still as I discovered late in the evening, so I spent New Year's Eve evening in bed at 9 PM. My husband spent New Year's Eve with my neighbor across the street, I think they both played X-Box or something like that.

We planned on having a few friends over and all that jazz, but well, hubby made food I laid on the couch and complained about how my stomach hurt like hell and I felt like shit still and I have a fever. SO, I got sent to bed. Mind you earlier that day, we had to take Syd to the Dr. because after 10 days of amoxicillin for an ear infection she still was not 100%. So we now try another medication....Happy New Year!!!!!

Friday night while I was in my Nyquil stupor my husband came in and gave me the news I had been dreading but knew was coming. My best friend from high school's father passed away that afternoon. Because of my altered state I was pretty much out of it and heard what he said but I think Sunday it really hit home. Saturday was hard, but Sunday, Sunday was really hard, it was the visitation day and the funeral was yesterday. I was unable to make it, because airlines want to charge $ 1000.00 for a ticket to fly from DFW to Memphis, short notice. Bite my ass American Airlines. So, my parents and I and Syd will be flying to Little Rock on the 13th of January and then we will be driving to Memphis, we all can fly for the low price of $ 450.00 round trip. I guess another reason why Sunday was so hard, Sunday was the day he married me so many years ago and such a bad marriage ago. It just made me think, wow how would I have ever guessed 13 years later that he would be laid to rest. I know I have said it a million times but sometimes being an adult sucks.

So many other things to hit upon and talk about, but it seems this entry is long enough. Plus, it has taken me two days to finish it because always something else comes up in the process! How dare work interfere with my BLOGGING!