Homeless

Well, we are back from vacation. The vacation was fantastic, coming home was sad, going back to work sucked ass...like it would be anything but. First thing of business I had to contend with was giving an employee 3 days off for being an hour and 5 minutes late the 2nd day I was out of the office. I normally am not such a hardass, but this has become habit and my paper trail started months ago. I am following through on my last reprimand....sometimes I just hate my job. This would be one of those moments. I never could dive into anything deep today because I had to leave early, we closed on our current home.

So, now we have no home, we are renters of our former house, until the 17th of March. Signed all the papers needed, you know the drill. I have officially sold my first home I ever bought. I am so damn sad about it. I don't know what it is, I am just very emotionally attached to this house. The new home is huge and will be beautiful but I am so damn attached to this one. Scott proposed to me in the hallway of this house. This was our first home with our child, Sydney will never remember this house. This is the first adult thing I did in my life. It is such a part of me, I wish I could keep it forever. I know the next one will give us much more joy and memories but letting this one go is hard.

Besides that, I have a shitload of packing to get done, and I have to find time to catch up on all of my blog buddies lives. I missed the blogs while I was gone. I hated checking my mail because one e-mail would take up 45 min of my time while I was gone. I did get a break from work and that is the best thing of all. A break to dive right back in.

Vacation time

I am truly relaxed for the first time in months, I am on vacation and I am loving every single minute of it. Even the phone calls I have gotten from work and the issues here and there I have to deal with. I was so afraid yesterday that Scott was not going to make it here to South Carolina, seems that Dallas got kicked in the winter crotch that the ice and rain started yesterday right when it was time for him to go to the airport. Thank God he had the first flight out that morning, 2nd flight was canceled by the time we got there to pick him up. He was late coming in and the damn AA flight update thing that calls my cell phone to let me know did not work to let me know that it was running late. But he is here now and that is all that matters.

Friday we went to see the Biltmore Estate. This place is one of the most incredible places I have ever visited. I have been to Europe twice and seen castles and churches that are just amazing. The Biltmore ranks right up there with these places I have visited. It was amazing, huge, outrageous, just beyond words. Sydney did the tour with us in her stroller, she slept on and off and was so very well behaved. North Carolina the mountains were just breath taking. The trees here are so big and tall. It really is one of the most beautiful places I have ever visited. Visiting my family has been so wonderful too. My Aunt is eating up her time with Sydney and I love being with my Cousin's. Sydney is loving being around her crazy Cousin's and I am just so happy to be with my family.

Life is good.

Just random things I need to get off my chest

Due to the drama of today, I did not get to blog about what I really wanted to blog about today. I have to admit this outlet has really helped me with anxiety ridden instances when I feel lost and confused. I write to vent, to think, to ponder, to help me deal with what life throws me. I go back and read what I have written, gaining perspective and re-evaluating what I said and did at the time, some good some bad. Plus, this outlet has given me a way to reach other people I would have never known existed. For that I am grateful, many are feeling like family, I only getting a glimpse of your lives by what you blog about in your life. But I feel so many are struggling like myself with the same issues of the day. It helps to know that your not alone, it helps to get words of encouragement from others that have been where I am at now. For that I thank you.

O.K. so, first, Valentine's Day, my thoughts, take them leave them, shit on them I don't care. I think that if you need 1 day a year to express your love your an ass. If you need one day, then do it on your anniversary. Not the same day that every other schmuck out there has to do it to. When I was married to my "other" husband, Valentine's Day was a big deal, "Why?" Because he was a clueless fuck that is why, and that day on the calendar was the only day that I could pretty much guess I would get something that constituted "love." The first year I knew Scott, that Valentine's Day I was still married, Scott and I were friends, he brought me a Valentine Card to my office, it was the nicest card I think I have ever gotten. He also brought myself and the other girl I worked with in my office flowers. It was very sweet, that evening I think my husband when to the grocery store and bought some overpriced roses. I guess the reason I now feel that February 14th is dumb is that my husband now, Scott, has the wonderful ability to make me feel loved everyday and does not need a day on the calendar to tell him to do so. That is the best Valentine's ever. I know I bitch and moan and groan about him on here a lot. Quite frankly he can get on my last nerve, I receive constant criticism in my choice of underwear because I feel having something voluntarily up my ass is fucking stupid. I am bitchy enough, I don't need to feel my thong about to pop out of my mouth to make me even more bitchy. I don't give enough sex, because quite frankly I like to sleep, eat, have a job, raise a child, cook, ect. ect. But, let me tell you, I have had it the other way, where my husband is not interested in sex and falls asleep on you, yes it has happened and it SUCKS. So, no matter how much I bitch and moan about Scott, I am so damn glad to have him as my husband, because if you know him, you know how much he loves me, it radiates from him. I did not know that someone could love me that much, it touches me in the deepest part of my core.

So, I have no card to give him, I am sure he will have one for me, he is always good at that, but it is the cards and flowers I get not on the 14th of February that mean more, because no damn calendar told him it was time to do so. So baby, I love you always.

Second, Westminster Dog Show, each year we watch. Each year I get pissed during the Toy Group. This year we watch, at my parents, Sydney is at the TV signing "Dog" like no ones business, getting so excited watching the dogs on TV. We go home to our house, get her ready for bed, I get myself ready for bed and conk out, forgetting to watch the damn Toy Group. Today Scott calls and says guess what? We forgot about Westminster, damn, I say. Also, guess what, I guess "The Pug wins?" "Yep." Damn, damn, damn! To know me is to know I LOVE PUGS. I have two and besides Sydney these dogs are my life. I kid you not a few years ago when the Pug lost, I cried, I sat on the couch and cried. I have yelled repeatedly at my TV when the Pug does not win. So, this year he wins and I miss it, that is OK with me, You go boy!! I will have to watch tonight, I just hope I don't jinx the damn thing!!!!

Third, I just have to say this because when I heard the news, my first thought was this: When I heard that Dick Cheney shot a fellow hunter, my first thought was, "I am surprised he did not have a heart attack and die from the sheer shock." My boss is a big game hunter, yes, we have an elephant trash can in his office, the foot of the elephant(when he got it it smelled like poo), yes, I know what you think, I don't care, it is not my life, I just work here. I have my own feelings on this matter I will keep to myself, but I have to say the trophy room in his house is something of amazement. Anyway, him being the avid hunter he is, he said that if you are a hunter you get peppered, it is nature of the beast. Remind me never to go hunting...I don't want to be peppered with shot. I take my pepper on my food please.

Fourth, I hate Andrea Yates, this woman ranks right up there with her. I was pregnant at the time of this crime here in my area of the U.S. My feelings on this matter are so hard to put into words. I admit that she must be insane to do what she has done, I in my fucked up mind could never imagine doing what she did and hope and pray I never ever do and if I do, just kill me. I do not deserve to live. I feel you are guilty of your actions, insane or not and you must be punished, that no matter how long you spend in jail or a hospital you will still not have paid back for what you have taken. I watch my daughter when she falls and hits her head and the way she cries in pain, I cannot even begin to imagine how this poor child suffered, I just hope that God put the child out of its misery so the pain was short.

Fifth, after that happy subject, in the chaos of all that is going on, I am getting ready to go on a very much needed vacation. Thursday I fly with Syd and my parents to South Carolina to see my Aunt and her family. Scott will follow us out on Saturday. I am so looking forward to this trip. I have not spent much time in SC, only there once for my Aunt's wedding almost 20 years ago. I do not remember much, but we are going to Asheville to the Biltmore on Friday. Right now I am trying to get things tied up here at work, things are pretty much ready for me to go, they gotta sink or swim while I am gone. I will have my laptop and I am struggling on finding a battery for it. But, with my cell phone and computer I can do everything I would do from the office just away from the office and not there to scare the shit out of them, because I will be gone. I am sure they are just as happy that I will be gone too.

I am just feeling overwhelmed because the short trip to Memphis we made last month took just about 300 bags of luggage for 2 1/2 days, so 10 days will require 900 bags I am sure, plus my laptop. And we are flying on a SMALL PLANE, 2 and 2 if you know what I am talking about. I would love an MD80 but nope, we get this. Whoopeee, Xanax here I come baby.

O.K. I think that was all I felt I needed to get off my chest. I think I can go on with my day now....

That really does not make me feel better...

O.K. Sydney saw the Dr. Dr. said her toes do point in more than she would like. Also said most of the time babies feet point outward not inward, said it is probably nothing, that she will probably grow out of it, BUT, before she makes this call, she is calling Scottish Rite Hospital. She is going to call them, tell them of the situation and let them make the call if she should be seen by a specialist or not. Scottish Rite, one of my worst fears. The other being St. Jude's Childrens Research Hospital. I spent 13+ years living in Memphis, TN, and St. Jude's is just one of those bitter sweet things you learn about in life. My high school biology teacher used to work for St. Jude at one time, he had to quit, he said it was an emotional hell. I can only imagine, I am so damn lucky to have a child that is the healthiest thing, I feel that this might be a mole hill that I am making a mountain. I keep thinking, I don't want my child to be made fun of, what I can prevent I will.

Mind you I had my overshare of teasing while growing up, I am 6'1" tall, I REFUSED to wear yellow while in school because being called "Big Bird" was such a hit to my fragile ego. And my name being Tawny is so damn close to the name Brawny, the fucking paper towels. It was hell, but tell me a kid that does not get teased. I guess it hardened me for todays world, that my Mom told me the world was not fair nor nice, it did not have to be. But I look at Sydney and think, what can I do to make her growing up easier? In the grand scheme of things, she is fine, she can walk, talk, eat, sing, yell, scream, all with the ease that she should. I just want her to reflect the perfect little person I see when I look at her, I want the world to look at my child and be accepting and love her and care for her like I do, but you know what, it does not work that way. It is a hard world and I just hope and pray I can prepare her the best way possible to be productive and a genuine asset to the world. To give back always, even when you feel you have nothing left to give, because that is the best gift of all.

This must be what it is like to be a parent, no one wrote about this in the damn book. I just hope I am doing it right.

Trying really hard not to panic...

O.K. I figure I have been pretty good at not being a panic hound when it comes to my Daughter. We have dealt with issues with her in her 12 short months of her life, her tongue, her many ear infections, bumps and bruises, but last night someone said something about her and I have been seriously trying to hold my self together. It is nothing I am sure, correctable if it indeed turns into an issue. I have tried to be a laid back Mom, not freaking out over every piece of dirt, grass, dog hair, rock, bird seed she puts in her mouth. Figure the more she eats the better her immune system will be, you know, just going with the flow. Well, (I know get to the point) last night my neighbor (which I love dearly) said, "I am surprised her Dr. does not have you do something for her pigeon toes." WHAT?! She continues telling me that her niece was pigeon toed and they had to put her in hard soled high top shoes while she slept. That during sleep their feet are relaxed and the shoes will correct the problem. I think I had my first moment of "Don't pick on my child!", and "What the fuck did I do to her?" Mind you we have since discovered that she has some issues that come along with a cleft pallet,but she does not have one, I know that sounds very confusing, to me too but they assure me that she is fine, hell she is growing and thriving so it must not be an issue right?

So, I figure, well what does she really know? (Just has 4 kids of her own, mind you) I figure I will ask her teachers at school, they deal with children of this age all day. So, I ask today, "Do you think Sydney has issues with being pigeon toed?" Yes, they have noticed and also wondered why the Dr. has not said anything.....OK, so I wait, wait until 9:30 am to call the Dr.s' office to get her in, so we can see if this really is an issue. WHY DOES THIS BOTHER ME SO MUCH? I can feel the panic in my chest, it is about to come out and I just want to run and grab Syd and just hold her. It is not a big deal, I know, I know but it is to me, why is something wrong with my baby. She is perfect to me, why can't everyone else see this? Fuck this is hard, I know I am making more of an issue than it really is, but it really bothers me.

Really? You really can't remember???

I really mean for this post to be quick, but I just know it will be longer than I intend. My office won breakfast from McDonald's. It is a lot more trouble than it is worth, but anyway, we have to sign releases, I make a list and list all the breakfast items available, I mean, who does not already know the fucking menu anyway right? So, they arrive today with our breakfast, it is about 9:30 when they do, I have no clue if they e-mailed someone to let us know they were coming or what. See, I was not involved in this, but got to be the one who coordinated all the paperwork and made the list of who got what. I just made a list so each person could mark what they wanted, but no names, just a tick mark next to the food item. Each food item came with coffee and a hashbrowns, so you know we are dealing with: Egg McMuffin, Bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit, sausage biscuit, sausage biscuit with egg. Bagel sandwiches, hot cakes and sausage, big breakfast and deluxe big breakfast...you see my point right?

So they deliver it, I tell them to put it in our kitchen area, I am WORKING, therefore do not have time to pass food out. 15 min. goes by, all food still there, people have walked past spoken about it but no one will take the lead to get their food or pass it out. Off I go, to pass it out. I get 4 of the 10 passed out and then we ask one other person, "What did you order?" "Oh, I really don't remember. It has been so long ago, (last week!), and I have slept since then." "But I do know that it is not the big breakfast." REALLY? You don't fucking remember if you ordered a sausage biscuit or what? It is fucking McDonald's for fuck sake!!!

Stupid.fucking.people.

O.K...

On a lighter note, Grey's Anatomy, WOW, what a fucking show. I so LOVE this show. I tried doing the Desperate housewives show, sorry, I really do not like it. It is too weird, surreal, something just does not feel right about it when I watch it. But throw some Grey's Anatomy on and I am all over that shit. I kept telling Scott last night, 9:00 I am watching GA, so well, be ready, I am watching it. I even delay taking my meds so I don't fall asleep. Scott loves to play the game of "Who is your favorite?" He did it when I insisted I watch every Sex in the City from start to finish, (sorry did not have HBO and had to do it in order!) I still cannot answer that question, each and every character has a quality that I love.

WOW, what a freaking show....

Well, that is about all that I have right now, someone else just came in my office and told me they could not remember what they ordered either.....I am in the land of idiots.

Whistling noses, mascots, and monkey brains...Happy Friday!!!

My fucking nose has whistled for almost 24 hours now, I am about to be driven insane by the sound of air traveling in and out of my damn nose. I am feeling better, but getting air in through my nose must have become a lost art in the last 24 hours. Last night laying there in bed watching television it was driving me crazy then. Of course the sleep I did get was not restful and today I am beyond tired.

Yahoo has more information about the Winter Olympics than you could ever wish for. Is it sad that I could care less? I know my Husband will be into the Men's Hockey, and I do like to watch the Women's Figure Skating, but other than that the rest I am pretty un-interested in. I was looking over the Olympic Issue of Sports Illustrated yesterday trying to see if anything peaked my interest, NADA. Seems that Sasha Cohen is the U.S. favorite in Female Figure Skating, I remember her from the last Winter Olympics, she was so damn tiny, aren't they all though. And I am sure the big story will be will Kwan choke again and not be able to deliver the gold yet again. My bet is yes, can't tell you why, I just think she will choke again. Ahh, remember the days of Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan? Good times....

Oh, and yes the Winter Olympic Mascot's for 2006 are a snowball and an ice cube. I kid you not, here take a gander yourself. Why do we have to have mascots? Not like they can cheer for any team, what they fuck are they supposed to do, jump around and launch t-shirts out of a cannon that say "Go Olympics?" I am sure some marketing guru is getting a pretty hefty bonus for coming up with snowball and ice cube. 2010 at this rate will be an ice skate and a ski...How about the Coke Polar Bears? At least you have product recognition with them.

Oh, yeah one other odd thing, Scott came home the other day and asked if I had listened to a radio program while at work. I had not, but he told me about this guy who for 13 years lived with Grizzly Bears, thought they were his family and in the end he and his girlfriend were eaten by the Grizzly's. Timothy Treadwell was filming his interaction with the bears for the 13 summers he spend with them. Guess what happens in 2003?? One Grizzly eats him and his girlfriend, and guess what? Now you have basis for a movie.... From what I can gather, you do not see the mauling or eating of Treadwell, but you hear it, OK, I ask what is more disturbing, hearing or seeing or seeing and hearing both? When I was 16 I went to a friends house to watch that 80's movie that all teenagers during the 80's just had to see, I am speaking of Faces of Death. It should have been called, It Will Fuck Your Shit Up. I remember running, yes running home to my house afterwards, and it was about a mile away from my home, dark around midnight and every fucking sound freaked me out. I don't know if it was the scenes of the man jumping out of a window to his death, the one where the cop decides to lasso the alligator and gets pulled in and eaten, the man on death row that is electrocuted , or the monkey that they take wooden hammers and knock on the head until he dies and then eat the warm brains that fucked me up more. What I really remember most about the movie was the damn music that played in the back ground, it was this happy go lucky shit. I don't know if the purpose of that was to comfort the viewer or to fuck with them even more. After that movie, I think it turned me off of scary things from that point on.

My point, if I still have one, is I bet Grizzly Man would probably have the same effect on me, needless to say I will not be standing in line at the local Cinemark waiting to view this new flick. Don't save a place for me, I will be in line for Curious George.

Mommy, Daddy & Baby

Well, here we are the happy family of three. I don't let her put her hands in my mouth anymore, not since she gave me the mouth viral infection....

I am about to embark on the journey to the damn doctor again, for me again. I have been battling this shit again for 5 days, I refuse to give in, but today I have the Pink Eye.......

I swear I am going to get a huge piece of glass, strap it to Sydney's head and make her walk around like she is on a slide that goes under the microscope, since she is nothing but a huge walking germ she should look like the specimen she is. I guess it is unfair to blame it all on her, everyone I know has been battling this crap back and forth. My parents are down with it too, so I could have picked it up from them. It could always be worse, my friend Kim is battling a war of her own with Little Man and Rotavirus. Yucky stuff!!! I guess I will take my snot and hacking cough and gruff voice that comes and goes with a smile and go on.

Now, for a total non-sequitur....

Do you ever realize how much we blog about stupid fucking people? I know that the catch phrase for the moment is that "Here's your sign!" Dude from Comedy Central. (I had no clue for months what people were talking about, but I saw a snippet of his show and thought, not that bad of an idea) But in the past two days two blogs I read religiously speak of this vary topic. Take Nita's post from yesterday. The whole issue she wrote about makes my blood boil to such high levels I have to walk away from it because I really want to beat the holly hell out of this oxygen breathing waste of space.

Then take this post from Steve. Stupid fucking people, makes one think that if they all fell off of the face of the earth it would probably rotate faster. Mind you I also have a very close friend, and she and I talk on the phone almost daily, and most of the time our conversations consist of how fucking stupid people can be, or is it lazy? To me they seem to go hand and hand at times. Case in point, she calls me yesterday, and tells me she asks a girl in her office to make copies for her of a presentation she has to do the next day. In making these copies, it is making copies of a packet that is to be distributed during the presentation. Wouldn't you just know that if you are making copies of a PACKET to STAPLE THEM TOGETHER?! No, I guess you do not know this. But as my dear friend put it, she was probably too consumed with making wedding plans than to be put out and do WORK at WORK....what a fucking concept....

My Husband has a saying, Most people suck, I am beginning to really believe him.

But it is MY child

I am thrilled to report that Sydney's surgery for her tubes in her ears went off without a hitch. The days before the surgery, I kept telling myself, it is no big deal, very minor surgery don't worry. But deep down inside I was very upset and concerned. It was really no big deal, but I am sorry, IT IS A HUGE DEAL WHEN IT IS YOUR CHILD. I don't care what anyone says, when they take your flesh and blood away from you and you have no control at all, it is a big deal. I have so much heartfelt compassion for people who are dealing with much bigger issues with their children. I cannot imagine what it would be like for my child to have to have chemotherapy, radiation, surgery for a tumor, I could go on and on. I just don't know how they do it without lots of drugs and alcohol..for themselves!

You would never know that Sydney had anything done, she acts like nothing has happened and I am so thankful. That same day, in the afternoon she went for her 1 year check-up and got the shots and TB test. Poor kid we put her through hell the whole day, but it is all past us now. It seems to me that her vocabulary has grown in just the few days since the surgery. She said night-night last night, that is a new word for us. She is also mimicking sounds that she hears from us. I guess we have become proficient in Sydney Speak, because I hear a lot more words than babble now. Things are coming together in her vocabulary. Each day it is amazing what she learns and discovers.

I really am Jonesing for some sushi, I think Scott and I are going to go on Saturday. Have another adult night out if things work in our favor. We will see.

P-A-R-T-A-Y!!!

Here she is so nice and clean...
The Bubble Machine, ROCKS!!!!!!



And then she had cake....



Oh yeah, her Daddy is an Aggie. I know Aggies do not have cheerleaders (see yell leader), but she is so damn cute if they were not so hard headded maybe they might make a concession for her!!!

Happy Birthday, now take your medicine

At about 2 PM yesterday all hell broke loose, well not really but well things were crazy. Scott got the call that Sydney had a fever at school. He was on is way to get her anyway so I make the call to the Dr. They see her at 3:45, she is diagnosed with in no particular order: Pink Eye (Got meds for that on Saturday treating as directed) ear infection, (this makes 6 for those of you counting) and Strep Throat, this one is new. So, we get another round of antibiotics but this time a referral to the ear, nose and throat doctor for tubes. Scott calls me with the low down on the diagnosis, I am kicked into action, it is recommended we get her ears done before we go on vacation on the 16th of this month. I am kicked into gear, mind you it is 5 till 5. The doctor they recommended cannot see us until the 21st of this month, sorry we will be out of town. Second option, ENT doctor that clipped her tongue, she was tongue tied as a baby. This happens to be the Dr. that ordered the C-Section for her birth, he was the Dr. that got my nose to stop bleeding after they delivered her. (See life seems to just be one big freaking circle!) I called and they could see her today, her birthday at 11:20 am. SOLD!

Sydney will be having her surgery on Monday at 8 am. I am happy to report that this is a very quick and easy procedure and she probably will be acting like nothing happened shortly after she wakes up. I am suppressions calm about this, I know she is going to be in the best hands, shit this guy was there for her birth! He told us before, besides his own children her birth is the only other one he has witnessed, he kind of is part of our family in some weird strange way. It was really freaky to see him one year exactly to the whole nose bleed trauma shit.

I remember when he came into the ER when they called him in he came in in torn jeans, I think by the time he made it into the ER it was close to 10:30 that night. I do recall that there was some other huge trauma that the ER doctor assigned to my case was busy handling. After he shoved the nose tampon, yes that was what it was, up my nose and that failed he called in the big guns. The ER doctor told me, and after reading about nosebleeds his facts check out, that NORMALLY patients with nose bleeds like the one I had, they put cocaine on the bleed and it shrinks the blood vessel that is bleeding. But because I was pregnant, I could not go that route and no pain meds either. So, next time you are bored take a tampon and shove it up your nose to the point where you can feel it in the back of your throat, without any meds. Good times!!

Sydney has suprisingly been in a great mood today. She does not seem sick at all, she has been happy, crabby, and silly and sometimes she does this all at one time. At one point I swore she thought she turned 2 instead of 1. Tomorrow we will have her party at her daycare, we will have the bubble machine up and running for a trial run for Saturday.

Now, I gotta go wake sleeping beauty and give her medicine so she and I and her Grandparents can go out and eat dinner in celebration of her. Daddy is taking the night off, he had her all day today, and he is going to the Stars game. Daddy is struggling today with all his shitty news from work. But well, that is life in the big city.

Until tomorrow, Party party party, Sydney is O-N-E!

Permission to date my daughter-Thanks Jen

>>APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER>>>>NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless >>accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, >>and current medical report from your doctor.>>>>
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.______

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK________________________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________

If No., EXPLAIN __________________________________________________ ___

7. Number of years your parents have been married___________________________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _______Do

you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? _________________

A tattoo?_________________

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises )

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?_____________________________________________________________________________ _____________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?__________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ _______________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you? __________________________________________________ ___________________

12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend __________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely.

ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone - ever - I promise.)

(a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________

(b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________

(c) A woman's place is in the ________________________________________

(d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________

(e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her ______________

( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, INTROUCTION OF LEAD FRAGMENTS into SAID PERSONS POSTERIOR FLESH, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISSTORTURE.

__________________________________

SignatureThank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying heavy insturments. (You might want to watch your back).

In honor of Sydney's birthday I will be having these printed up. I think a case should be a good start.